One way to get your ratings up

Ramblings Post #402
Love makes you do many things. Strange things. Dumb things. I my case, not even for actual love, but in an effort to get someone to love me (this is before I came the realization it does not work that way). But I hope that love never makes me go up on stage during a national television broadcast and slap another man because my wife gave me a look. Really.

Well, that was stupid.

It was a throwaway line, a joke at the end of four or five other jokes that would have faded into nothing. It was a lame joke about a film most people don't remember. But no one would have remembered it a week from now. Then this shit happened.

I don't watch the Oscars broadcast, but someone posted a clip on Reddit that caught my eye. I thought it was a skit, a funny little thing that they'd done to liven up the show in some way. The Sporty texted me and asked me did I see it, and how Will was big mad. Now, the first clip I'd seen was short, Will walking on stage, slapping Rock and stalking off. The clip Sporty linked was longer, included the joke about Jada - which as I've said was kinda lame - and the slap, then it went quiet although the video kept running. And you'd didn't have to be from the hood to be able read Will's lips. He was for real big mad. Then I found the uncensored Japanese clip where you can hear Will cursing on live television and I realized that this wasn't at all staged in any way shape or form.

By the way, I must applaud Chris Rock's professionalism. As a long time standup comic he's probably faced down plenty of hecklers and can feel when it's best to not press an issue due to outsized anger. As such, he did what a pro would do and tried to make light of it and keep the show moving. And after the show he indicated he would not press charges, most likely at the suggestion of the Academy. He is being the bigger man here. Because truth be told if it had been me, I'm not so sure I wouldn't have embarrassed myself, my momma and the entirety of Black America.

Then after Will was dragged from the auditorium by secur....what? He wasn't? He sat back down, and a half-hour later won the Oscar for his leading man role in King Richard, got a standing ovation, and went to the Vanity Fair after-party like ain't shit happened?  Really? Wow. I guess liberal Hollywood is behind the idea of "standing up for the wifey." Because that's how Smith's defenders, including a number of those in the black community, are framing it. A number of women seem to think a lame joke was a good enough reason to slap someone on national TV if its in the defense of the wife. But it's not like Jada isn't in the game, she got her own talk show and her own roles. If she wasn't in the industry, maybe, possibly, there could have been some umbrage - but an actor in the front row of an awards show is fair game for roasting. And she is an actor, isn't she? Another argument seems to be she has a medical condition called alopecia, and medical conditions shouldn't be joked about. But um, alopecia is a medical term for hair loss, not cancer. It's not as far as I know terminal. We joke about bald dudes all the time, but they too are suffering form a form of aloepica. So, what about that? And there are plenty of beautiful women who've cut their hair short or near bald by choice. What about them?

No, this whole episode was a massive overreaction to a nothing. Which as a number of folks have pointed out gives rise to the idea that things aren't as happy at the Smith household as one might think, given their reconciliation after Jada's entanglement situation last year. What Tupac would have done jokes aside, one theory is that Jada's sour reaction combined with their rocky history prompted Will into action to openly demonstrate his love and support of her at all costs. Which is also problematic in and of itself. But that's another whole post.

So, what should Will have done? He could have done the cursing from seat thing by itself. That alone would have been enough of a shock to accomplish his point. Or, at the Vanity Fair after party when he ran into Rock he could have just said "Hey man, that joke about Jada wasn't cool." And then explained the aloepica. And let Rock say my bad and apologize to Jada. And then kept it moving. But would it have been cool? YES, way better than this.

It was a throwaway line, a joke at the end of four or five other jokes that would have faded into nothing by the time the award Rock was presenting three minutes later. It was a lame joke about a film most people don't remember and as it turns out, in poor taste to boot. No one would have remembered it by the end of the show. But now that joke and Will's reaction to it will be the subject of a thousand think pieces and evaluations. The incident is going to be object of ridicule of every late night talk show host worth his salt, SNL is going to have a field day, overshadows his own triumph and will be brought up on every other award show this season. This image has already shot up 50,000% to the very top of the meme market, is going to be a trivia question someday and will also most certainly be in the trailer of his biography film years from now.

Yeah, that was stupid.

Barkeep. The good whiskey and just a dash of apple juice. Boy, I just don't know.

Five minutes watching....The Watch

I don't watch a lot of movies because I didn't have a lot of time. A lot of movies and television of late have become more niche oriented and horrible, I'm trying to write this sequel to a first book I haven't even published and I have a ton of video games I bought on sale I still want to play so there. So, I watch a movie or a little TV when I get a chance.  You know, I guess I really don't watch a lot of movies or television. Go figure. 

Full disclosure: I am a Terry Pratchett fan. Excuse me, Sir Terry Pratchett. To me his Discworld series is really a series of essays and treatises on government, economy, society, gender identity, religion, tradition, belief and more all disguised as high fantasy. Or low fantasy depending on your point of view.

And when the BBC decided to create a series I got excited. Then I heard they would be updating the stories and characters I got nervous. Then I saw the promo photos and got confused. Then I saw the first episode and now I wish I never had. It went off the rails about thirty seconds in and never looked back. 

I own 31 books in the series and recognized two of these characters. One was the rock person.

So how bad was it? Very, very bad. Imagine if they had taken Harry Potter and instead of Hogwarts set it in an stereotypical Hollywood "inner city" school and claimed they'd made it better. It's like the people who made it didn't read the stories, or even if they had didn't understand what they were working with. What emerged here is, in perhaps a good-hearted attempt to be inclusive, is a ridiculous mess that can't even keep up with the basic architecture of the city Ankh-Morpork, which in the books is practically a character itself, much less create the setting need to tell the stories that come later. The stories that actually make you think, that make this a cut above just plain fantasy. 

From here down, SPOILERS. Not that I think you should ever watch this, but still, got to be fair.

This version of death sounded like Wendell Pierce from The Wire (when I wrote this honestly didn't know that was actually him). That's not terrible, but the characterization did not sound like an ethereal being curious about humanity. Its interaction with Vimes as a framing device was way too casual, too chummy. DEATH speaks in capital letters. DEATH is aloof.

This Sam Vimes looks like a dirty bum version of Jack Sparrow, and that alone says a lot. Maybe it was the black eye liner, but that was not a good first image to invoke. Vimes is a complex character, this guy feels more like Frank Gallagher from Shameless than someone competent just half in the bag.

Was that dog at the beginning supposed to be Gaspode?

Why does the Patrician's palace look like it's in the middle of a grand estate and not right in down the city off the river? What are the soaring peaks and tall hills littering in the background, isn't the city at the bottom of the Sto Plains where it meets the circle sea? This just feels so off. Later we get a crows eye view and it looks like the Unseen University is atop a lush green hill as well. The city is a part of the story, and here is feels like they cast it wrong. I mean, the books were written in part to so that you could follow along on a map. This looks like the visual designer just thought of how pretty and majestic this all would look.  

How is Cheery Littlebottom, a dwarf, almost as tall as Carrot Ironfounderson, who is a large human? And why is this person beardless? The entire dwarf story arc is discussion on gender identity, society and acceptance and here it's just rinse washed for clarity. The writers basically threw away a multi-season B story and perhaps a whole season if they ever got to go to Uberwald. This is what I meant when I said the people who did this either did not read the whole series or didn't understand it. How they did Angua I don't even want to talk about. Even worse how they did Detritus. And Lady Ramkin is not Batwoman despite how much I like the actress playing her,

And since I'm here, the whole series develops a number of strong female protagonists. Angua, Lady Ramkin and Cheery are just the tip of the iceberg, I mean had this been done well we might have gotten a Granny Weatherwax headed Witches series, but this show felt a need to stuff things in at the beginning and just ruins it. You want to make the Head of Assassin's Guild a woman? Fine. By the way, the producer needs to realize the point of some the stories was that ill informed old men were making all the less than intelligent decisions, which was discussion on bad governance, but hey, inclusion. Maybe they just chose the wrong actress to swap out the Patrician, so maybe that, but I would have preferred the Charles Dance version quite frankly, in the proper setting of course. But they swapped out Dibbler? What was the point of gender swapping Dibbler? Meat pies, guaranteed one hundred percent pig! You mean pork? I said one hundred percent pig.

And finally, and perhaps most importantly....No Nobby Nobbs? No Fred Colon? That's just not right. 

I want to be generous but so much of it didn't make sense, from the weird mix of sci-fi and fantasy to the how the story didn't want to respect the characters or the audience they'd obviously hoped to bring in by using characters "inspired by" the Discworld series. It's a series with millions of books sold and instead of at least an attempt at faithful adaption we're giving this. If it was going to go this far afield, twist it so much to update it and fix it, then why even use the Discworld names?

I am not amused.

If this all shows up on a streaming network four or five years from now and I'm holed up in the house unable to walk and can't find the remote, I'll give it another go. But for now this just isn't for me. 

Barkeep. I'm getting healthy now, thank you. I'll have my bourbon with branch water please, thank you

Again Oscar?

Ramblings Post #310
Honestly, my only real Oscar interest is when Turner Classic Movies does its Thirty One Days of Oscar film fest. There are some nights on TCM that you find yourself watching something and you have to wonder how this got made...even in 1950! But during Oscar month, just about everything is gem. Old favorites come out, popcorn is popped and I don't even mind that it's cold outside.  

Once again the Oscars have been announced, and once again the majority white, pretty much all male, and mostly over 60 members have decided the best actors in the country for the past year pretty much look like themselves. Again. Gee that was unexpected.

When you consider the films that emerged this year that were well written and well acted, but that didn't star the same old same old or follow the same old formulas, and had actors that were minorities in prominent roles, this is a little disappointing. But not wholly  surprising. I know we've got a black president, but Hollywood is Hollywood and when you consider that it still thinks films with female or minority leads can't open big (*cough*Force Awakens) or aren't internationally marketable (see Exodus: Gods and Kings) the idea that they then, and probably without even thinking about it, omit certain films is...well, understandable.  It's kind of why some of the other award shows - The Image Awards, The BET awards, etc, - came into existence. Because nothing feels worse than knocking it out the park and not being recognized at all for it.

The one acting nomination that did emerge even connected to a minority led and minority lead picture garnered it's sole accolade for the acting of the White Male supporting actor. What surprised me even more is that somehow this was a shock to those who have worked in the industry for decades. 

Which brings me to Jada Pinkett-Smith, who suggested the Black Hollywood boycott Regular Hollywood.

I'm not saying it's because her husband was nominated, but I'm just saying the timing shole is funny. (By the way, my friends from Africa tell me his accent was wrong based on the character, so that's one point not in his favor.)

The term boycott to me is always interesting, because it is the go-to method of protest for upper class black outrage. Even when it's use won't actually help it's the first idea anyone bougie throws on the table. Boycott'em. Because it sounds historic and requires little effort. But to make a boycott efficient, it has to be something that depends on business with blacks to thrive, and where taking away that black trade would inflict heavy financial damages. That model won't work with Hollywood. Further, Pinkett-Smith is asking some black actors to risk their livelihood. Sure, Sam Jackson will find work, but a few of the actors on the cusp who just got their first invite can't really afford to bite the hand that feeds them. Not even nibble on it really.

My first suggestion is that instead of a boycott, everyone black who is invited should go. But they should coordinate, and everyone wear the same color outfit, one just offsetting enough to catch the eye but not enough to throw the whole night off. Say, all the men who support the diversity effort wear a yellow gold tuxedo jacket. And all the women wear matching gold dresses of various shades. This way you include non-minorities who support the cause. Imagine George Clooney and Sam Jackson showing up in the gold...and explaining what they're doing in a calm and patient manner, over and over again to the assembled press. A camera sweep of the room with heavily laid out against black would be a striking image you could probably put on posters. Why not that instead of boycott? Just a suggestion. 

My other suggestion for the "black elite" those whose talents and skills have blessed them with fortunes is why not establish their own "base." Long I have heard the stories of black people in Hollywood and the diminished, stereotypical roles they are offered. And the question I've often asked, much like you ask anyone else on any other job, if you're this dissatisfied, why not create your own future instead of waiting for the world to serve you what you need? Why hasn't Black Hollywood made it's own Hollywood?

Black athletes and actors should get together, pool their monies, and create their own production companies. Plural. Three or four. I realize that all actors aren't wealthy, most of them are living project to project, so some of this is old school asking those who got something to lookout for the rest of us. Will, Jada, looking at you. Those that can invest a few million need to do so, and if we can raise a few hundred million from a thousand or so folks that all would go into Film Trusts or Associations. Then we choose two or three old school black actors or directors to serve on the boards and select various projects. With a that little bit of money (comparatively speaking) we're talking about three or four medium budget ($5-10 million dollars) films per year, with a profit sharing plan that pays out to the investors but also pays back into the Trust.

This business model gives young minority directors a chance to flex their skills, young minority script writers a chance to put hone their skills and get a resume going, and minority crew members as chance to work as well. These need not be exclusively black projects, but all minorities, with shorts, television shows, animation, web shows and features that show that minority actors can be the any character in the spectrum, from sci-fi to prestige dramas.  

But these just a few ideas that I had. Not that I'm anyone important.

Barkeep. I need a glass of white. And drop three grapes into it. It's a class thing.

Crossing the Uncanny Valley

Ramblings Post #301
Technology is both a wonderful and cruel thing. It can ruin industries by making them obsolete, and turn others in almost comedic gold rushes. And what we'll come to realize in time is that constantly moving forward isn't always the best plan, if only because we're human and we need a bit of structure to hang our lives on. Until then I'm going to suggest that society strap itself in real tight, because it's gonna start going real fast for a minute. Don't forget your goggles.  

We will reach a point when we finally cross the Uncanny Valley. Then Hollywood will need to be very, very afraid.

When I was kid I used to read a comic called American Flagg. Well, to be honest comic was the wrong word, because it was the first book I read where the villains had motivations other than your comic basics, i.e., world domination, petty revenge or the next big score. It was the book that introduced me to political heroes that weren't so much heroes, more like people just trying to make sure they can get a decent breakfast the next morning. But why this is relevant is that the main character was a guy called Reuben Flagg, a former television star who had been replaced because they could computer generate his image so convincingly that nobody noticed. That day is fast approaching. There is a shot at the end of Iron Man 3 where RDJ wasn't available, so they digitally created a Tony Stark and added him in. Not Iron Man, Tony Stark, the human person. And we didn't even notice.

Fifteen years from now, the we'll be able to regularly digitally create actors and put them in anything we want. Actors will have their images leased for whole films or a television series, not just how you see past stars sometimes in commercials now, artistically re-cut to fit the limited available motion. Desperate actors may even sell their avatars outright. The enterprising estates of some 50's and 60's actors means we may even get to see Cary Grant and Scarlett Johansson in a new romantic comedy. And then someone, probably in a garage somewhere in Oklahoma will figure out how to do it for cheap with stolen profile information.

And, then we'll get these... bootleg remakes of films not intended to be remade. And I'm willing to bet that some them, with fan perceived plot holes fixed and filled with fantasy casts will be traded around baseball card style on private networks and at the various Cons. One or two might even be converted into actual films, the rough edges smoothed out and the sound fixed because Hollywood has a way of taking good ideas that start other places and capitalizing on them.

This future is so golden, I almost can't wait.

(Note: I didn't make any of these images, but they inspired this post. The idea of a couple of these, just like wow!) 

So they're making Big Explosions in Space...er, Star Trek 2

Ramblings Post #209
There is an idea, a notion if you will, that Hollywood is out of ideas. It's why you see more and more other media being transformed for the big screen. It becomes maddening, seeing perfectly good characters mangled by Hollywood screenwriters trying to stuff a story into two hours, and make them match the demographic specs. And apparently it's even worse if the owner (not author) scraps the entire original concept, counting on the impetus of goodwill for the old version to help sell the new shiny version.

This is the official synopsis of the upcoming Star Trek movie for next year....

In Summer 2013, pioneering director J.J. Abrams will deliver an explosive action thriller that takes "Star Trek Into Darkness."

When the crew of the Enterprise is called back home, they find an unstoppable force of terror from within their own organization has detonated the fleet and everything it stands for, leaving our world in a state of crisis.

With a personal score to settle, Captain Kirk leads a manhunt to a war-zone world to capture a one man weapon of mass destruction.

As our heroes are propelled into an epic chess game of life and death, love will be challenged, friendships will be torn apart, and sacrifices must be made for the only family Kirk has left: his crew.

Three things.

First, why is the term "explosive action thriller" being used to describe a Star Trek film? The underlying theme of Star Trek, what made it great, was that it was actually about something. Sure there was some action, but the vast majority of the stories were about larger themes like man's place in the universe, sacrifice, honor, etc. Reducing it to a series of big budget explosions makes me wonder if Abrams even understands what he's been handed. Jean Luc Picard ring a bell? Data's question of humanity? The ecology questions, relationships, the prime directive? Where are the wonderful stories? This reboot of Star Trek has the Federation looking more and more like a failure than the triumphant advancement of society Rodenberry originally came up with. I realize you can't stuff all the nuances of the various series into a two hour film, but at some point this stops being Star Trek and becomes The Expendables in Space.

Second there's the "detonated the fleet" line. What does that even mean? Didn't you just blow up the damn fleet last time Mr. Abrams? I realize this is the future, and Starfleet officers have never really seemed to worry about money, but still methinks them puppies ain't cheap. How much gold pressed latitinum does Starfleet have budgeted for ship construction? Because somewhere in that chain, somebody is going to need to get paid. How about we shrink the story and instead of threatening all of existence everytime some one charges up a warp coil, you bring it down to a micro level. Oh, wait, that might require storytelling skills. My bad. 

Third...and probably the worst...this line right here "from within their own organization." Really? I mean really? You have got be kidding. Wasn't this the premise behind the first three Mission Impossible movies? Or all three Jason Bourne movies? Or really every spy or espionage movie made in the past two decades? Even the James Bond films have fallen into this trap. I going to go ahead and suggest that the rogue agent trope be tossed on the scrap heap of screenwriting until 2025. Maybe Abrams thinks it will all be fresh and new if you do it in space this time. Wait, wasn't this the plot of Star Trek: the Undiscovered Country? This isn't even new in space! But you know what they could try? How about a having an enemy who doesn't know who the hero is, and doesn't have a personal vendetta, or isn't a rogue agent who knows all the tricks of the trade. Sounds crazy right? Seriously, this whole thing sounds like a mess. The synopsis reads like a bad 80's action b-movie starring (fill in sweaty action star here). Maybe I'm wrong..., no, I saw the first one.

I bet the lens flare budget is the biggest expense on the books.

Even the heroic sacrifice alluded to in this still from the Japanese trailer loses weight at this point, as the we'd be mourning the old characters, from the old series, not these slick new versions. We don't know them yet. There is so little here that is still Star Trek.

Barkeep, I thought Abrams was supposed to be good or something. Something light, I need my wits about me. No Romulan Ale. 

I saw this movie right...

Ramblings Post #36
There are things probably best left unsaid. I mean there are certain things when you say them that cast a certain light upon you now and forevermore. Like, admitting you're scared of ballerinas. It might be because your older sister used to beat you up after ballet practice, but if you don't explain yourself, the first admission is probably better off a secret. So what does that have to do with this post? Nothing. Just thought I'd say that.

This is a movie rant. I have to get a few things off my chest.

First, I have a bad movie habit.

This weekend, on one of the pay movie channels, I watched Tropic Thunder. For the first time. Ever.

Now, this is interesting because I already have a copy of Tropic Thunder that I have never watched. I had thought about going to see it, but the only movies I'd been to in the past five years had been with Sporty, so I gave it a pass, even though I'd heard it was hilarious. Some months later walking through Blockbuster, I spotted the movie on a rack and decided to buy a copy because I'd never gone to go see it, but the film was supposed to be hilarious. Needless to say having paid for it, I couldn't find time to watch it until it came on TV while I wasn't paying attention.

And it was Hilarious.

And I can think of at least two or three other movies I've purchased and never watched. Okay, I watched the first half of Pineapple Express, but I can't think of another film that I've paid for and watched. I will eventually one day, but I think I did the same with "Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins", "First Sunday", "Superbad" and "Smoking Aces", and I still have "Cloverfield", "The Dark Knight" and two or three others to go. All purchased, all never watched.

Why do I do that?

Sidenote: I don't normally like Tom Cruise. He is where Nic Cage appears to be headed film selection-wise: All his characters are heroes, or at worst badly written anti-heroes, and dimensionally as flat as they come. It's as though half of male Hollywood is all caught up in the Gary Cooper syndrome. But Tom Cruises performance as the ruthless studio head Les Grossman was inspired. You almost want his character to pop up in something else just so you can enjoy his scenery chewing performance.

Second, how exactly does the Academy pick the the Oscars?

I mean, the Oscar winners are for the most part, pretentious bullshit. How hard is it play the roles they pick for winners? No period drama should ever win again, and biopics of people alive in the last 25 years are self serving message movies not fit for viewing in most cases (I might own Milk, I dunno. It wouldn't matter, because I have not watched it). Playing someone, i.e., mimicking their mannerisms and cadences is hokey - see: Ali with Will Smith, whereas inhabiting them as a consciousness is harder - see Frost/Nixon.

But building a character from scratch? Wouldn't that be harder than simply trying to nail down an existing person? I mean you know when you've got a live character down, a made up one should be harder. How would you know when you're done?

I bring this up because in Tropic Thunder, Robert Downey Jr playing supreme method actor Kirk Lazurus remains in character at all times as the black Lincoln Osirus, in part playing as Samuel Jackson and convincingly...how is that not Oscar-Worthy? And the afore mentioned Tom Cruise, playing so far against type he might have run over himself coming back around.

What won last year? Okay, wait, I haven't seen Slumdog Millionaire either...so maybe it was better, but why does the Academy think comedy is easy? When is the last time a comedy won Best Picture?

Barkeep, I intend to shoot a movie one day, give me something to shut me up!

Is Nothing Sacred?

Ramblings Post #20
There are days when I'm certain I'm dreaming, that what is occurring around me has to be some sort of insanity my mind has cooked up. The things I'm seeing and hearing almost certainly can't be actually happening. But as in this case, most times it turns out that I'm wrong.

I am disgusted.

Sean Penn as Larry Fine? Maybe. Bencio Del Toro as Moe Howard? Will they be serving drinks in the theater? But seriously, what kinda drugs are they taking in Hollywood to even imagine Jim Carrey as Curly? Not Curly Joe, but Curly! Maybe Carrey as Shemp, but not in any way shape or form can he be the master of disaster, the Stooge extraordinaire. Don't get me wrong though, I liked Shemp too.

But there are some things that need to be left alone.

Curly, Moe and Larry
Quite possibly some of greatest comic actors ever

You don't repaint the Mona Lisa. You wouldn't try to rebuild Camelot. The secret to the Maxie Burger is lost to us forever.

And you don't try to remake the Stooges. My understanding is that the film currently on the boards isn't a even a biopic, but a re-imagining of the trio under modern circumstances. Are you fookaying kidding me? Is nothing in Hollywood sacred? If we've gotten to the point where somebody thinks it's a good idea to make what I expect to be only a sad attempt to recreate the magic of the Three Stooges - especially in today's potty humor, pop culture reference comedy, anti-violence environment. In what world are they hoping to pull off this minor miracle? Part of what made the very idea of who they were work is that they were just this side of living cartoons in a world with a whole lot of gray area to operate.

I'm a guy. I love the Stooges. I'm technically part of this film's target demographic. And I hate the very idea of what they're doing. Will somebody take the hint?

If we've gotten to the point where we've stopped remaking that which should be remade and started trying to recreate classics...they're trying to remake the Karate Kid, the Last Dragon, and those travesties that were the Bionic Woman, Knight Rider and Terminator...(wait, is that last one still on?) ... what we might need a bailout in Hollywood, damn Wall Street. Are they really this artistically bankrupt?

I understand the economics of Hollywood too, everybody is looking for the surefire, ace in the hole, guaranteed winner every time with all these millions on the line and with the built in appeal of the Stooges you have to figure it's a lock. But that remake of Planet of the Apes was just sad. And Speed Racer was lock too, but after they destroyed it with...well, you know. At least John Goodman got work. He was in that right?

If you're gonna remake a film, take a piece of barely remembered crap and I don't know, work some of that movie magic. Remake Leonard Part 6, I mean, could you do worse than the original? Or Half Past Dead, that critical darling. I mean the remake rights have to be going for $3 and a promise NOT to spell the original creators names correctly. I understand if you agree to remake BioDome, Pauly Shore will cut your grass for a month.

I cannot be the only one seeing the insanity here. Leave my childhood alone!

Barkeep....you don't even know what I want to drink.