I need a break...

Ramblings Post #407
Where will you be when you get where you're going? This was a question asked by an old country comedian Jerry Clower. It's one of those things what with his accent just sounded funny, but is more a question that makes you question yourself. We wake, wash, work and waste away in this funny little thing called life. Do we know where we're going? Will we even know when we get there? And how much to get in? 

So yesterday I took a sleep.

I had my usual day. I'm ranching from the house, so I logged in early and got started. My breakfast was a pair of sausage biscuits. Not the big ones like fast food places make, but this little one I found that you can microwave. Now I take them out of the package and quick fry them and put them back in the bun because I'm extra. And with the right seasoning and a bacon press they taste like the sausage biscuits from this little spot in my home town. But I digress. And lunch was a salad, my now usual at least four times a week. Ruff-agê!

After work I was a little tired. Okay, a lot tired, I started nodding off in front of the computer while I was playing games instead of actually working on something towards self improvement or something that might make me some money. It's been that kinda season. Ugh. But I was down bad. I'd grabbed a small bowl of Crunchy Cheez Doodles to tide me over until dinner, which was supposed to be chicken curry, but I wasn't going to make it. So I figured, a quick thirty minute nap. I put the iPad on some light jazz, crawled on the couch and pulled up the throw. It was about a quarter after Seven.

So at when I awoke at One AM I was a wee bit confused.

Okay, no, I haven't been getting a solid eight hours lately. One rabbit hole after another on the internet, dumb games, etc., AND no I hadn't been eating right lately, you leave the house to run an errand and the burgers start calling my name. So too much red meat, not enough fish and chicken, and too much sugar because red velvet cupcakes are from hell. I've been pushing it lately not achieving. So maybe I just needed it.

Still. Damn. Hell of a nap.

Barkeep. Tall glass of ice water. I got gaming to catch up on! Okay fine, some work. Ugh. 

Under the sea. They're there too.

Ramblings Post #406
Long is the night, the sounds of traffic and the city outside my window, the last of the summer air hanging about my house. Quiet reigns, and in the stillness the weight of years presses down upon the soul and mind drifts back along the halls of memory, looking for something. It finds words. It's always the words there, waiting to dance, scurrying about, waiting to sing, waiting for me.   

There is so much to unpack here.

Just as my feed became dotted with collages of images of young black girls - and some older black girls - excited to the point of tears of seeing The Little Mermaid's Ariel as portrayed by Halle Bailey, as if on cue, triggered by the idea of some iota, some of a sliver of joy for someone other than themselves - those people arrived. You know who I'm talking about. And in my feed I found where someone had pointed out this comment. And honestly, it begs the question.  

Why would changing this character "fix" the whole movie?

I once theorized in long ago entry that one day something like this would come pass for the film industry. Where the tech would be so good you wouldn't really need actors, just the specs of the people you wanted in the film, and we'd be able to create films whole cloth for a few thousand dollars that looked like they cost a many millions to make. Of course that cheap price tag would be bootleg, as famous actors (or just beautiful people) would definitely charge big bucks to license their images just like now. And I imagined studios remaking films from the libraries with actors who previously could never have worked together, like a prime Marlon Brando co-starring with a young Humphrey Bogart and Brad Pitt in something together. I follow a guy on Instagram who makes posters and everything. It's pretty cool.

But in my naivete, I missed this concept as a possibility.

In retrospect I should have been able to put to the pieces together. There are already a few firms that specialize in sanitizing films for religious audiences, Ala edited for TV only in those cases edited for sin. And the ongoing shenanigans over the very existence of non-white folks in fantasy settings, where people are okay with dragons, magic that works and demons but draw the line at black people. I mean, that's just too unrealistic. And I know that new generation deep fakes which are going to be a real headache for politics in the future. So the idea that somewhere a guy wouldn't work overtime to remove what he might see as "undesirable elements" from his favorite piece of cinema shouldn't have been a stretch at all.   

Why would changing this character "fix" the whole movie?

It's the use of the word "fix" that gets me. As though the idea of a non-white version of an entirely fictional character being the center of the story somehow breaks that story. (Point of order - Disney's live action remakes of cartoon classics have been of dubious quality of late, so I hope they realize they're on thin ice here and take extra care.) It is a STORY, purely fiction and as such it can always be revised. The previous Disney version isn't even the original story. Let's be honest, when studios want to they don't even care if it was a true story,  they switch facts all the time to fit the tale that sells tickets..um, I mean, that they want to tell. So why the outrage? 

These are the stars of 2016's Gods Of Egypt. They gonna "fix" this too? 

Well, the other word he used, the term "woke." It's become the new slur that fills in for the N-word to certain crowd, much like "Brandon" fills in for another not polite term they can use in public. That's the tell here. And the quick realization of what they'd done, that they were no longer just talking to friends but possibly to the whole world - they offered up some sort of half-assed attempt an apology. I mean, not even the courage of conviction at the end. And I say the end because Twitter swiftly suspended this account not long after it hit critical exposure. Yes, the use of the word woke tells me why he was mad.

And I for one hope he stays mad.

Barkeep, let me get some whiskey and Sprite. Two cubes of ice. Long day.  

A Venture Out

Ramblings Post #393
I'm going to have to go back and actually finish Red Dead Redemption 2. I just realized I did the same thing with GTA V the first time. At some point I just stopped playing. Work, other things came up and then I picked the controller back up one day and was like...okay what am I doing here? I think I may have gotten more into PC gaming - strategy and the like as of late - but there is still some much more game in there I know it. Does that put it on my backlog list though?

I got my oil changed for the first time in a year a few months ago. It was then I realized that the travel and going out thing wasn't really sourced from the lockdowns and stay at home...er, "suggestions." (Because every other person I knew rolled out at some point. Except me apparently) I had gotten my oil changed last March right before the pandemic first came out, and in the interim I had put less than 1500 miles on my car. In twelve months. I was when I got the notice that I only had a few more payments left and that I had owned it for the full 60 months did I realize the weight of the issue. 

I bought the car with 15K on it. I have not yet reached 62K. 

I don't go nowhere. 

I used to roam the streets of Atlanta. A dive bar here, a odd eatery there. Sometimes just to see what they had. I'd drive halfway across the city for a bookstore or an odd computer part. I've driven to parties in Stockbridge and north of Kennesaw, quite possibly in the same night. 

Now I look at what's in my fridge and say "eh, I'll go to the grocery store tomorrow." 

Life comes at you....well, I think it's got to come at me now because I given my choice me and Netflix doesn't sound that bad at all.

Barkeep. Apparently I'm not driving anywhere. Everclear and two cubes of ice. And a cot in your back room. 

  

Political Misfortunes

This is a political post. 

Three months seems like a lifetime ago.

A few months ago it seemed like, at least in conservative terms, Matt Gaetz could do no wrong. He wanted the innocent, if you considered Roger Stone an innocent, to be pardoned. He stormed a closed door meeting on Capitol Hill to get the truth about impeachment inquiry against Cheato, though if you paid attention he mostly stayed in the back. He mocked mask wearing, blamed China and lived life unafraid of the virus. He defended teenage shooter in Wisconsin and blamed the January Sixth attack on Antifa disguised at patriots.

With a resume like that you could almost see him eyeing the White House, provided of course Cheato decided not to run again in which case he'd happily pick up his pom-poms and go back to cheering.

And then....well, things escalated quickly.

I remember seeing on twitter that he was thinking of resigning early to go join NewsMax or FOX and wondering why. Then the story broke in the New York Times and it turns out that he was under investigation from the Justice Department. Wait, an investigation that started during his buddy's Cheato's administration? This means it was something so serious even they couldn't overlook it. But who could have guessed it involves one of the conservatives favorite tools of accusation - sex with minors. If you listen them everybody not conservative is doing it while having pizza. Some even claim that's why there are child slaves at the secret base on the Moon. Oh, I'm sorry, that was silly of me, I meant the secret base on Mars. Now the whole things feels more like being accused of cheating by someone WHO IS cheating to try and throw you off their trail.

Special note for people who believe in "liberal" or "mainstream" media, after Cuomo got accused of lying and inappropriate behavior those mainstream outlets keep following the story day after day. And his own people want him gone and their not holding their tongues about it. By contrast, the GOPQ has been mostly silent, and FOX pretty much pretended the story didn't exist for two days. Well, they covered it for a minute as a breaking new story, but after Matt pretty much tried to get Tucker Carlson to vouch for him (or possibly be indicted as well) so I think I can see why they might be hands off for a minute. Also, someone remind Matt that even if  the extortion part of the story is true, that doesn't absolve you of the crime you were being extorted over. Just a quick reminder when you see him Tucker, thanks.

Of course since then things have only gotten worse. From the unprompted mention in the Tucker interview of "child prostitutes" (no such thing), to political allies having been indicted on charges related to sex trafficking (see Joel Greenburg), to the stories of him showing pictures of women he'd "been with" frat boy style on the floor of the House, to the "son" living with him which made me think this was going a whole other way. I did, really. And we're still in the first week of this scandal. 

Someone remind 2021 that it is not in competition with 2020.

The Final Pitch Meeting...

This is a political post. 

Open on a cold but clear Washington DC morning. You can feel the excitement in the air, something was about to happen.

Then there, in the sky. It is a man, a single man hurtling to earth. All eyes turned skyward, enthralled by his daring. Who would be so bold, so daring as to interrupt the swearing in of Joe Biden? Less than five hundred feet from the earth his parachute opens, a grand American Flag with a soaring eagle superimposed upon it. Cut to outside the gates guarding the Capitol Building forlorn supporters of the outgoing President who had prayed for a miracle suddenly feel their hearts leap with joy. Cheering wildly. The shots from across the nation all channels, the entire internet, suddenly switch to a live feed from the capitol.

He lands firmly at the top of the steps leading to the dais. His golden mane is perfect, shirtless his perfectly sculpted pecs and eight pack abs glisten with sweat and dignity. He is the embodiment of all good and true in America, the living embodiment of the perfect man. He is so amazing. He storms, no, almost Fred Astaire like, he dances down the steps. You see the crowd is in shock so nobody moves. As he starts the dancing down, the women are swooning at his rampant masculinity, the men cowed by the same. You can see the fear on their faces. At the bottom of the steps a hapless Obama tries to intervene but he is easily disposed of, almost casually, knocked aside as though he were an errant piece of paper. The golden one pushes a frail, stammering Biden aside, lays his hand across the offered Bible and growls at the quivering Chief Justice John Roberts, who we show has wet his pants. And he says, get this, he says "Swear me back in, I'm not going anywhere!"

Outside the fence the crowd ejaculates in joy, grown real men weeping tears of happiness that the truth had finally been revealed. The soldiers look at each other and immediately realize their beaten, you can see it on their faces. And then....

What? No good? I think the Q-Anon crowd will eat it up. My audience will love it! This could work, I'm telling you...

That's how I pictured Cheato trying to convince the Network to renew his contract for the President gig. Him and Guli at one side of the table, him huffing and puffing his way through the scenario, Guli doing hyping him up and doing sound effects. He's the master of the deal, I mean, he just needs another season.

And with that, this cycle of President comes to a long overdue close.

The reunion show is scheduled for a Federal Pen near you!

December 21st

 

With the great cosmic alliance, let us step up, and humble ourselves before the universe, and accept with the dignity and responsibility of those so blessed these powers which have been bestowed. 

Unless I do actually just get the power to tell when the hot doughnuts sign is on at the local Krispy Kreme. Not that I wouldn't use it, but let's just say major letdown. 

And despite the trials and tribulations we have endured, let us with these gifts not take vengeance or wreak havoc...well, not too much vengeance, well, let's try to limit it the first few days at least people, then once we've got it out of our system, we're all going to be responsible about this thing. Aren't we? 

Well, I tried.

This week on "President"...

This is a political post.

Is President still hiding in the Bunker? Does it have num-nums? Is the VP in like a mini-bunker, or is it like a closet in President's bunker? Did President reveal he was the evil twin? (like seriously, that's like from two seasons ago! Do we know yet?)  Is it true puppets Silk and Diamond are getting recast with models from the Ms. America pageant? How is President getting his fast food fix in all this chaos? Will they ever arrest the other three officers? And how the hell did Covid-19 blow a 28-3 lead over racism?

Okay, I must have missed something. While I'll admit I'm not an avid watcher, what I've seen so far is that this season looked like they were trying to pack absolutely possible everything in. I know it's a renewal year but it's just too much like Empire at this point - too much, too fast. And sadly, the whole thing is still as badly written as the first season. Back then they at least had the Mueller Investigation arc to hang everything on, but now it seems like they riff from one tangent to another, no attention to continuity or anything. I mean, the whole "This is a hoax, then I knew it was a pandemic all the time" twist, who did they expect to buy that? Maybe their hardcore audience, but everyone else is looking at the channel guide wondering if they can find an episode of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives or maybe a Hotel Impossible rerun. I think this incarnation of President has single-handed ruined the anti-hero genre.

Again, I'm not an avid watcher. Because apparently impeachment, a pandemic with 100K dead, and murder hornets were just not moving the ratings dial enough. Special note - whoever decided to fire up the old Racism 1865 needs to get fired. I know the adage is "go with what you know," but this is a trope that should have been benched by the network decades ago. Because of this, I can tell you now is season is not going to get a "fresh" rating. The theme of shooting looters is 1960's material, and even with fan groups like Fox "News" or those new guys, um, OAN or whoever, throwing up tons of fan-fiction isn't going to save it. We've seen this material before and it wasn't good the first time, or the eighth time or sixty seventh time. I wasn't okay in black and white and damn sure isn't okay in 4K. It's just bad writing.    

Wait. Are the old writers of Game of Thrones on staff? This looks like their work. If so, we're still short a hurricane, a zombies invasion and two other howlingly inconsistent plot twists.

Okay, honesty here...I'm not really feeling the lead on President. Never did. Just a bad vibe, from shitty hair and makeup to the awful styling. Is it just me? I personally would have looked into seeing if we could get the previous guy back, for like one more run at it, but something about Guild Rules or whatever. He was good. I liked him. Or that woman who they were looking at four years ago would have been good too. She wasn't my favorite but I think she would have worked it. But the guy on there now? He has no nuance, no subtext at all. Seriously, he just wasn't ready for the role. I mean, he does terrible reads, it's obvious they're dumbing down the script for him and does anyone know how Golf is getting such prominent product placement? I mean could see this guy appear on an episode of Law and Order, or as like a secondary villain in say, a Sharknado film or something like that. But he just doesn't work as a lead in something as big as show like President. I'll say it. Terrible casting. I'm not even going to mention the supporting characters who are uniformly just as bad.

Here's to hoping we can get a reboot this fall.

Trafficans...

Rambling Post #369
This should be a racy post, with the number on it and all that. But not really, because I'm a mature individual with goals and responsibilities. I have deeper thoughts, higher functions, and something real to say in world that has become increasingly trivial. That and I really didn't know that was going to be this number when I started writing. Oh poo.  

I am of the opinion, that in this world where there are people who take great pleasure in dressing up like stuffed animals and people who jump off buildings for fun, that there exist people - in Atlanta if nowhere else - who go out and get into traffic just because it's just so damn great. I call these lonely people who get on 285 at 6:45am and cruise at 53 mph until around 9am or so Trafficans. I used to believe that a combination of rain, hot asphalt and atmospheric anomalies created temporary driver mirages which slowed down the cities main transit routes, but that was crazy talk. Okay, I couldn't get the grant to study it. But this idea, this makes sense.

On the route I take in mornings there is no wavelength I can attune to, no regular traffic pattern that I've been able discern. Some drivers appear to be cruising along without a care in the world, a light changing to green merely a suggestion that forward motion might be acceptable. It confuses them. Or the slow driver who wants to leave a huge gap between them and the car in front of them, as though they don't realize that the lights are timed to allow X numbers of drivers through, and driving slowly reduces that number and is WHY WE HAVE TRAFFIC. Okay, maybe the 5000 cars on a road designed to support 1000 has something to do with as well, and the badly designed city plan that lets you add another 800 apartments to an already congested area contributes.... but the slow driving certainly isn't helping.

And the sad part is that this is now Summer in Atlanta, and by that I don't mean we have special calendar that gives us extra days of hot weather (I wish). I mean that school is now out, and that means that traffic should be dying down -- something about taking kids to school or buses or bad grades or something. But it doesn't appear to be happening. Which is why I'm blaming Trafficans!

You're lonely and at home just bored out of your mind. But you've got a car and quarter tank of gas and feel the need to make a left turn in the middle of the block where there is no light during rush hour, may I suggest you invest in a Netflix account. Sure you feel like a smidgen of human interaction will just make your day, but you're not interested in a $23 cup of coffee and the idea of just walking for a bit is crazy talk, but dude, I have things to do! Like important stuff, like...um, get fried chicken. Or wings. Alright, I was going to get some comic books, but that's my business. What I don't need is your ilk on the road. Stay home Traffican!

Barkeep. I'm driving. No snide remarks, safety first. So make sure the lid is on it nice and firm. Thanks.   

Five minutes watching The Incredibles 2

I don't watch a lot of movies. I don't really have time. And I go to the movies even less. Something about Sporty, but that's a whole other issue. So the rarity of which I go, means on average I've spent about five minutes watching every movie made. It's an existential thing, don't concentrate on it.

I've noticed that this blog is becoming very pop culture oriented as of late, partly because I'm trying not run up my blood pressure spending an hour a day ranting about politics - and an hour would be cutting it short - and partly because my social calendar is currently on back alley life support. But in the meantime, I saw The Incredibles 2. And I'm feeling some kind of way about it.

Maybe it's that it took 14 years for less than 10 seconds to pass, or maybe I wanted the fight with the Underminer to last longer, or that the start of it causes one or two continuity questions that took me out of the flow for the first few minutes. Exactly how long was it in the first film between when they beat Syndrome and Dash's track meet? But as soon as that part fell away and the film got back to what made the original such a great story - superheroes as people not archetypes - it picked up immensely. The dialogue is crisp, funny and on point, the music was reminiscent of the first in it's coolness and the visuals are just well, incredible. I was a little leery at first when they trotted out the old role reversal trope - Incompetent Dad learns About his own kids - but it works here.   The kids are the kids - Violet is "having an adolescence" and Dash needs less sugar, but the best character in the whole film is baby Jack-Jack, who just keeps things bopping along. 

But the film makes me think about things not really film related. The first film fresh and new, but also in a way fairly typical. While the whole family was well thought out and had roles important to the story, it felt like Mr. Incredible was the focus. We met him first, followed his career from hero to insurance company drone, tagged along with he and Frozone freelance heroing, in his first foray to the island, working out, going to see Edna, meeting the villain. Bob is a prisoner in the secret hideout before the family dynamic even really starts to unfold. And we didn't really think about it because that's what we're used to seeing. But here, the story takes it's first turn when their benefactor chooses Elasti-girl as the new face of heroism. Just for insurance reasons he assures Bob, but he chooses her nonetheless.

And which point the film turns its focus to Elasti-girl and never really lets go. New bike, new costume (for which Edna is gonna kick her ass when she sees her) and new adventures centered on the female hero, not the male. It's as though they anticipated the mood of the country. Bob struggles with new math, Helen saves the day. Bob watches the baby. Helen devises a plan. Bob struggles with advising about teen age relationships, Helen goes on a mission. To his credit despite his deep need to be in action gnawing at his insides, Mr. Incredible rises to the occasion of being supportive and just being a plain ole dad. The film feels like it reverses the original, with long stretches of Helen and the occasional check in on Bob. It makes me wonder why I my initial thought was that's odd, when it really isn't and shouldn't be. Elasti-girl is the star - deal with it.

I mean, I enjoyed Wonder Woman, and the men played sidekicks if not just background fodder for Diana's actions. There have been the occasional drama I've sat through where the men were more scenery than characters that were pretty good. A woman focused film is not that unusual, at least not among the stuff I enjoy. I've parsed through my thoughts on this: I expected more Mr. Incredible because... he was the lead in the first film? I have a cultural bias? A film that's not explicitly about women should feature men more prominently? I'm a wee bit sexist? Maybe a little bit of all of the above. But at least I'm aware of it. I think.

So other than a few continuity issues at the beginning, I thought it was well paced, with slower periods that allowed the characters to act like people and not just a constant series of explosions or twist thrown at you ever ten minutes to keep things interesting. It's a film I thought was never going to happen, it was all interesting dammit. The returning characters were great - Edna is still one of my faves, and the new characters have possibility. I like them. I wonder if they realize now there HAS to be a third one? This one though, it's long but good, but if you don't like the characters or enjoy watching them grow, it's gonna seem like forever. But I think you'll like watching them grow. 

Git along little doggie...

Ramblings Post #343
First, you make a plan. Then, well, then after that it's a free-for-all. There are many ways to get things done and sometimes the way you planned, or even the way you expected doesn't come to fruition. You have to improvise. Make things up. Take a shot down field and see what the hell happens. Oh the things you learn when you get older...

It's been a minute down here at the Ranch and during the interim, dear Shotgun Annie saddled up and rode off. Well, not as much saddled up and rode off all voluntary like, it was much more that they posted up an hombre by the gates and when she left one night aforementioned hombre implied it would probably be better if she just a kept on a riding the way she was a riding when she woke up the next day. One of them new-fangled "this isn't a good fit situation" explanations.

She told us she blindsided by the whole thing when she rode by the next day to get the few belongings she'd left behind. Come to found out later that she'd been warned two or three times before they decided to part company with her. She apparently chose to interpret their warnings incorrectly. We actually had a after-hours office event a few days after she got asked mosey on and the new trail boss actually apologized to us for letting her go.

She didn't really have to. We're all professionals people. We all know wrong when we see it. And Shotgun Annie was a piece of work.

I talked to some other hands on some other ranches  I know since and when she rides onto wherever she's going to, she's back to her old ways: constant complaints about needing more work while taking every opportunity to slide out early from the jobs she does get. If I didn't know exactly how precarious her situation really is it would be funny. As it is I"m scared I'm going to run into her in a few years after she's made one misstep to many. That does not promise to be a pretty sight.

On the job...

Which leaves me with the apparently allergic to socks cowpoke, one Pecos Slim. So much to unpack here.

He has a complete lack of interest in anything other than sports. When I say a complete lack of interests, he asked me THE DAY BEFORE the Alabama election if I'd heard anything about Roy Moore. He said he'd just read about the election being close and was curious about what the big deal was. Pecos Slim is from Alabama. He also has no idea what net neutrality is or why it would affect him. He wears headphones all day in the office, and he admitted to me that he loves listening to prank phone calls and needs them to get through the day. He's the first person I've met with bonafide catchphrases. He also irritatingly, comes to work sick - sniffling, coughing and wheezing through a few workdays at least once a month despite the trail boss's insistence that we don't do that.

But I'm not saying anything. Live it and let live I say. But...

...there is a question I'm dying to ask him, but I know that I'll ask it in too snarky a tone not to start an argument. AND that he's hilariously thin skinned isn't going to help. What I want to know is: How does one get to be a grown ass man and not know how to chew with their mouth closed? The sound of him smacking his lips while he chews is loud and slightly nauseating. It's a sound resembling one that might be heard in a horror movie after a disemboweling, only constant. This situation is exacerbated by the fact that he eats all day long - breakfast at his "hitch up", a constant snacking (hearing him eat walnuts is like listening a someone's back being cracked) and then lunch at his desk (he works out during his actual lunch) followed by more snacking. Apples, popcorn, chips, chocolate, etc. Hearing him chew gum is unsettingly like the sound of an old man attempting to suck a lemon continuously for five minutes. The ranch hand on the other side of me, who is at least six feet away to eight feet from Pecos, tells me he too can hear the man chewing at his desk, so it's not just me being overly sensitive. He can't even drink quietly, loudly slurping his hot drinks and theatrically throwing his head all the way back to finish off bottled water. Several times a day.

Fantasized remedies barnyard pest include staring at him every time he chews until he realizes, recording him and playing it back when he's not chewing and other things that involves cacti, anvils and an account at ACME Products. He is wearing headphones though, so I might need to be a more definite indication of my displeasure. It is said the familiarity breeds contempt, but I don't know if contempt is even the proper term here.

And then he stopped talking to me. About a week ago now.

Apparently I sound frustrated when I answer his questions about our process and he did not like that.  Now he agreed that I've answered every question he ever asked, every time in the past 7 months we've been at the new spot, but now he just doesn't like my tone. One of the hands who sits near us said he'd never heard me frustrated when answering questions, so I'm kind of at a loss. But meanwhile, Slim has stopped talking to me entirely.

I hope he thinks it's punishment and that I deserve a good long bit of this silent treatment. Serve me right. *Snicker*

No barkeep, I am not laughing. I have a jaw spasm. Now give me a cold one.

Just Musings, I guess

Ramblings Post #330
And I wonder in the dark of the night, can you still see the light, can you still be alright, can't you see I don't want to fight, etc and so on. Song lyrics man. That's the lick. That or dog grooming. Or underwater basketweaving, which I understand is big among athletes as a second career. 

I should be working on my album. The working title is 'A Million Years and fifteen minutes in the Making'

I think this is possible because I have the app Garage Band on my pad and I've actually created two or three decent songs. And I'm not talking about using the loops that come with the app and blending them, I mean I've loaded the individual instruments and plucked out the individual notes and added vocals to create actual original music. I'm no Kanye (poor, poor Kanye) but the songs I've done might qualify as jazz fusion eclectic experimental, if of course you have some tequila before you listen. And aren't really paying attention. It could happen.

This comes up because as I keep procrastinating about finishing this book that's almost done, and gearing up for this certification in January (I'm studying more than I'm writing) I keep looking for the right music to listen to while I study....er, write.

Anyway, last night as I flipped through white papers and the study materials I stumbled upon radio.garden, a website that lets you tune into radio stations around the world. And I tooled about listening to stations in Latvia and Rome, popping into London and then down to Marrakesh where it was bumping. I find it interesting just how much American music is listened to around the world, even in countries where the DJs don't speak English. When I look at it like that, I can see how some are terrified of the cultural influence this little piece of North America. But this isn't a political screed, this is just listening to music from Iran, Beijing and Spain and hearing the same songs.

Back to my album, which I'm now inspired to create and put on soundcloud. I'm going to make that my February project, after this certification. And the book.
Now, I guess, it seems more real, because who knows, maybe I'll even hear it on the radio somewhere. Probably not.

Barkeep. I heard about this drink they make in Norway on the radio. You got any Yak milk? You do? Then you'll need a bull horn, some Svedka vodka, a boiled egg....

Why not? It's Only a Dollar....

Ramblings Post #314
First you click the button, and you go weee! That's how they get you. Like drugs. First hit is free. That's how they get you hooked on that...um, whatchacallit, Candy Crush. Before you know it you're Mafia Warring, Farmvilling or worse. That's when they got you. Before you know it you're giving up your Latte and muffin for a power-up or a shiny new tractor. Just stick with the drugs boy. Cheaper. Smarter! 

I've been writing quite a bit, a couple of pages a night (not much of it usable) and researching,  wasting more time on reddit than I'd care to admit in mixed company, and so this blog and my game play have dwindled and currently consists of monthly updates plus the free to play games in the Apple Store on my Ipad. Don't judge me. This desperation has pretty much convinced me that I really need to create one of these phone gaming apps because this right here is just ridiculous. I've downloaded and deleted more than a few, but I see what they're doing and I'm pretty sure that once I'm finished this project I can come up with something a few million folks will be willing to download...as long as it's free to start. That's the key.

I've written about the dangers of DLC in the past, but this is something different. Good DLC is like adding toppings to a burger, making an already good product better. Bad DLC is selling you the bun and charging you extra for the meat, making you pay extra for what should have come standard. This is DLC supreme. It's selling you that same burger by the bite, and calling it gourmet. It's reminiscent of the old double my pay scam I once read in a Richie Rich comic book. 

The few games I've taken the time to start all begin the same way. Some relatively crudely designed story to make the cartoon mechanics of the game make sense, and an incredibly easy first level. You feel so alive, like the conquering hero! This continues to the second or third level depending on how many levels there are. Or, if there are only six levels, like in the racing game I downloaded, then you just get the one. I mean, I was the king of the track the first season. Win after win, zoom, zoom, zoom. Then came season two. And suddenly it's like I'm racing against Ferrari in a little red wagon. And looking at the way the game is structured, it doesn't appear you can't even really grind you way through like you would in a regular console or PC game. So I figured, why not, it's just a buck, and opened the power up menu.

Whoa.

Okay, kids, let me say this, if you look through the power up menu of one of these "free games" and one of the items has a retail value over $40, you might want to think about just deleting that whole game. Because I've got a business degree and modicum of experience, and I'm fairly certain when I tell you that this seemingly ridiculously priced item for a casual game you play maybe ten minutes per day if you're bored, IS THE BARGAIN PRICE. A deal if you will, the discounted hook-up. This price actually SAVES you money. Because I'm also almost fairly certain that what the developer would prefer you do is take the $1 or less option. Because you'll do that without thinking about it. Repeatedly. And so eighty five 'why not, it's only a buck' mental justifications later, they've doubled their income.

For the record, I'm just gonna try to grind it out and see how that goes. It will certainly make the game last longer.

But that give someone a buck mindset, that is what the developer is aiming for. A six or seven hundred thousand curious downloads of something as brilliant as matching the shapes, and the average developer is in high cotton. And let's say a fifty percent bailout rate at the first level. Which translates to three hundred thousand on the first round. Then you figure each level up another ten percent out.... it just keeps adding up, dollar by dollar. If you get lucky and get a Candy Crush, with fifty MILLION or more players, you can get to a few hundred million in a snap. Just like the old Mars Candy Co, a billion dollars a nickel at a time.

I've often lamented as to certain business models and their effectiveness for getting people to part with their money, usually as deceptive or unethical constructions. This I envy. This I want in.    

All I need a theme.

Barkeep, I'm gonna need some five hour energy, a sketchpad and three peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Brain food.  

Water Menu at Chez Work..

Ramblings Post #312
Some co-workers went to a spin class another co-worker teaches in the evenings. Things I learned : In a spin class your feet are locked into the stirrups. The seat is way tiny. There is an arm exercise component using weights. And the water is $5 a bottle. Oh, I didn't go, this is just what I heard from the survivors...er, people who decided sweating out their hair was a good time. The part they were most irritated by oddly, was not the hair, but the price of water. So, in the interest of making a few bucks, I created my own water menu for the office. No free samples.
 
Colorado North Artisan Water
(Fresh snow chilled water bottled by hand in bottles then hand remixed in other bottles)

Colorado South Snow Well Water
(Basically same as the other water, just filtered naturally through the rock and bucket lifted)

Colorado Further South Snow Artisan Spill Water
(The drippings from the South Snow Well Water, gathered and separated)

North Georgia Seasonal Water
(Water captured this season, fresh and stored in something that holds water)

North Georgia Unseasonal Water
(Water captured this season, aged for your pleasure, and served at room temperature for balance)

Special Unfiltered Mississippi Mud Black Water
(Contains Minerals, small amounts of detritus, and minerals)

Exfusion Water
(Water in a specially areated form that you can inhale)

Rain Water
(Funnel. Barrel. Untouched by human hands, from God to you. Through us. For a small-ish fee.)

Death Valley Spring Agua
(Hand bottled from a garden hose filtered source in Tucson and driven through Death Valley for flavor)

Coconut Juice Water
(Free range coconut. No coconuts were harmed in the making of this water. Coconut free.)

Double Diet Water
(All the water, half the calories, now with half of that! Now with less gluten.)

Water Water
(Like organic water, but now with even more water. No substitutions)

Educated Water
(Better than Smart Water- served with/at three “degrees”)

Tap Water
(Served in hand crafted –ish recycled bottles collected by urban indigenous nomads)

If you'd like to buy something, we'll need your social security number and address. Why? Well, we're gonna need to pull your credit. This stuff ain't cheap!

Bad Apple

Ramblings Post #311
Sometimes the world, or God, or the deity of your choice depending on where you are reading this, sends you a message. Maybe it's the same song playing over and over again randomly as you go through your day. It could be the way the wind blows, or running into just that right person at just that right moment. Or it could be the day you tell the government you don't have to help them, they respond by telling they got it done without you. God has a sense of humor. Or the deity of your choice, depending on where you are reading this. 

Last month, the evil and over reaching US government got a crazy judge to conjure up court order to have our heroes at Apple assist in trying to investigate what was either a terrorist attack or a brutal mass shooting. They requested that the company help them access the encrypted data on one of their premier products - the iPhone. Apple balked, calling the request an order to create a backdoor into their device, wrapping itself in the flag and screaming give me liberty or free wifi...or something like that. That's like a fair explanation of it right?

Okay, maybe I'm being overly dramatic, but I thought then and I still think now that Apple could have chosen a better place to stand to make it's case for personal encryption in the face of government intrusion. All those cases in New York involving crimes where neither party is completely clean? One of them maybe? No? In any case, after cloaking themselves in the concept that we should be able to live free from government intrusion (although properly warranted) the one thing that Apple didn't want to happen went ahead and happened - the government was able to access the phone without them.

Using an unknown, third party group. 

So now Apple has another problem. The issue they were trying to avoid was the creation of a method of access that circumvented their security features, a necessary feature which they claim was vital to protecting YOUR information. And to prove it, the company appeared to be going out of it's way to do so. It was a good, if not great PR stance for a luxury brand. Now, they know their phone and its vaunted encryption system has a hole in it, but now they don't know where that hole is. And everybody else knows it. This would the opposite of a great, or maybe just good, PR move.

Had Apple cooperated, they could have created a "hole"for the government to use and then fixed it, with the message being now not even we can get into the next generation. This would have maintained the illusion Apple has of always being one step ahead. Okay, I don't believe that, but the Apple fan boys do. And that is their bread and butter. Instead, they're now have to ask the very people they refused to help to help them fix their own product.

How much money is Apple hiding offshore to avoid having to pay taxes on it?

Right.

And while the unsettled privacy issue caused by advances in technology remains unanswered for now, and hopefully will end up attached to something much more mundane, it's kind of funny. I can almost hear it in my head. A government agent with a deep Southern drawl explaining their position on telling them how they cracked the phone. "Sounds to me like you fellas have a bit of ah, what you call it, encryption problem. Yep, to bad the U.S. government would completely wrong to help you out, I mean proprietary systems and all that. Government top secrets. That kinda thing. Can't have Apple talking about closing back doors."

Barkeep. An apple martini. Did you know I used to make these?

They came for my Bacon, and I said too far!

Ramblings Post # 303
What is life? Is not it an series of memories, experiences, sensations that we intersect with as time passes? And if that isn't the answer, pass me a drink. I don't really what know what life is, or what would be a good life or bad life in the grand scheme of things. But I do know that while whatever happens should happen in moderation, I also know that you can't always play it safe. Or those will all be some dull ass memories, experiences and sensations. 

I think we were talking about cooking on my last project, and somehow the subject of Bacon came up. I happen to like bacon. As it turns out, after a quick count, I just happen to have eighteen pictures of bacon on my phone. Not random pictures of bacon, that would be crazy, but photos of particularly well crafted batches that I have personally made over the past few years. I mean, it's a thing now, taking pictures of food before you eat it. Look it up. And I have posted pictures of bacon to Twitter and Instagram, declaring loudly on trying days or when things don't look too exciting that what the world needs is a Bacon day.

One of my better efforts. Properly turned and crispy.

By the way, the proper way to cook bacon is at a medium heat, not high heat. Spanky makes her bacon at high heat and has to use a press to keep the meat from curling up. On medium, the meat tightens but doesn't curl, so a press isn't necessary. Further, because it is cooking slowly, there is less chance of burning or overcooking, which can give your bacon a texture more unto jerky than the crisp you most likely want.

Never microwave bacon, or bake it, or use that abomination Turkey bacon unless you just hate yourself. If you do, take some time and properly cook REAL bacon and some of whatever it is you're subjecting yourself to and compare. It's the difference between Filet Mignon and McDonald's. Or a plane ride across the country and walking. Save yourself. 

Now, I don't eat bacon everyday. Too much of a good thing is just as bad as not eating it. I usually do it about once a week, on Saturdays. I take my time, make some biscuits, or do up some hash browns, eggs and toast. I have done pancakes, but not lately. And I make about a half pound of bacon, which I then proceed to eat over the course of a full day. Not all once, jeez. Maybe three or four pieces at breakfast and then the rest as snacks as I get hungry. A half pound is only like seven or eight pieces, give me a break. 

Get it? I really like bacon. Now some study says that eating bacon will increase my risk of cancer. Marginally. Supposedly proven and stuff, by like science and stuff, and I try not to argue with folks who can do better math than me. Sigh. 

Well, I wasn't going to live forever anyway.

Barkeep. Can I get a coffee, some toast and ....what do you mean, no breakfast food?

Odd Quotes

“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”
~ Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe 

Keep track they said, it will motivate you they said...

Ramblings Post #282

You are what you eat. Which means at one point my entire body was made up of pizza, wings, hoagies and beer. Ah college. But my body really needs to be made of leafy green veggies, baked or grilled meats in sparing quantity, and lots of water. It is in fact made of veggie fried rice, chocolate, coffee and crystal light. It’s like I can’t make up my dietary mind. At least I really enjoyed the wings and beer.

Krispy Kreme. Now I want a box. Hmmmm.

One of the grand problems of tracking your food intake is that you actually see what you eat. It’s easy to forget those mini-Milky Ways and Oreo six pack on a normal day, but if you have to write it all down?  Ugh. The whole exercise is more disheartening than you might imagine, unless you’re a health nut.

I didn’t used to drink this much coffee. I never got into the coffee craze and really only went to Starbucks just to get out of the house during my “Introspective Period,” as I’m going to refer to it, so looking at my intake notes the amount of coffee I’m drinking is ridiculous. Maybe it’s because it’s free, maybe it’s because I put in enough sugar to power an elementary school for five years, or maybe because it’s free. Did I say that already? Someone remind me to look up caffeine poisoning.

I do drink a lot of water, which is good. And I eat a lot less salad than I thought, which is bad. I used to go through bags of salad like clockwork, but as of late I might eat one or two salads a week. My baked chicken consumption is down as well. And my broccoli. Actually, all my vegetable consumption is down. Note, that when I say down, I mean down from where I thought it might be, in that I hadn’t kept track in a while. It’s the old I was millionaire until I counted my money type thing.  Makes you want to stop counting. On the other hand, up until last weekend I was controlling the snacks pretty well. Damn you Dig'em! 

All this tracking my food intake is as part of a group of my friends that is working to better their health. And by better their health I mean they're making it competitive and buying every gadget under the sun to prove they are in shape. And I'd like to be a part, well, a more participatory part, but I'm not signing up for one more app, not buying any more equipment and I'll be damned if I'm gonna participate in Meatless anything. That's how they get you! Damned vegans. First it's just a Monday for a while, then why not every Monday, and before you know it, BAM, you're eating tofu bacon and kale for breakfast and you're hooked on potato shakes. Nope, not me. I'll do the 10k steps a day, the workout and less sodium, keep my calorie count in limits and the exercises, but don't mess with my bacon. 

And yes, it's on my food tracker. Less calories than you think too. 

Barkeep, let me get a vodka and tonic. What? Vodka has like no calories or something. 

The New Chicken Plucking Factory

Ramblings Post #276
It is what it is, and it is what it's gonna be. The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step, but sometimes the path leads to places you never thought you'd have to go. This is one of those stories. Or something like that. I forget, these early mornings are killing me. 

There is a very old saying: Know thyself and to thy ownself be true. In the past few years I've tried to
follow this advice, staying true to who I am and what my goals are, because I've found that attempting to make other people happy by pretending or just going along usually ends up with consequences and repercussions. For me, usually.

A few months ago, unsure of a number of things and having come to enjoy things like heat and food, I agreed to pluck some chickens. Not really pluck chickens, but you know what I mean. In my quest for a new career I knew there could be detours and tracks that might lead me off the beaten path, but I had hoped those could be minimized. Why? Because being true to myself I know I have a tendency to "get a little too into things" sometimes. I mean, I got so into my last chicken plucking job there was a stretch there I didn't take a vacation for five years. I might have a problem.

So here we go again.

It's a throwback gig, as in I've done work like this before, so being able to do it is not an issue. I'm worried about losing my focus on the big picture. You know, the one I worked all those nights after my last chicken plucking gig to get? Since I passed that last milestone I was hoping to turn my attention to detail and indomitable drive towards my new career exclusively...and I will....but just not now. Apparently.

The really weird part about the new gig is that management knows that I'm vastly overqualified for the position. More than one of the trainers and managers have mentioned that they "saw my resume", in that special tone of voice people get when they pretend they're trying to keep a secret. And it seems to have generated expectations that I will get most of the concepts on the first try.  Okay, I have gotten most of the concepts on the first try, but that's beside the point. It's off putting to some degree, but it's always nice to be able to walk into an office and get respect.

And originally this was to be my segue back to working full-time, because as old pros know that it takes time to get you mind and body back on the idea of constant work. There is in-shape, party-shape, and work-shape. I was in video game shape, which means my thumbs are real strong. That long climb up the stairs in the mornings got my calves looking right.

A lot of things in my life have started off as one thing or for one purpose and become something else. This cannot be one of them. If I intend to actually make the big picture work, then I'm going to have to get my mind right...before I get my mind right.

Barkeep, put that good bourbon on the bar. 

The Secret of Good Living

Is there a right way to live?

Philosophers, Theologians and Scientists have debated the issue for 15 minutes over a latte and a scone and concluded that YES, there is! Bliss, joy, happiness, and [adjective] can all be yours, simpler, easier AND with 15% less fat than regular. Yes, you too can learn the secret, the secret THEY don't want you know, the secret to losing all that excess weight, getting out that stubborn stain and making the perfect grilled cheese sandwich!

Available now!  I've put it all down in this 8-page pamphlet that I will provide to you free of charge, just pay $14.99 for shipping and handling, and the $6.50 service fee. And the $12 ticketmaster surcharge. Answer to life not good in Puerto Rico or New Mexico. Terms and conditions apply. No refunds. May cause sweating, rashes and the occasional need for doughnuts. Sold as is. If not satisfied, return and we'll enjoy it.

Wait, what?

Ramblings Post #264
This has no bearing at all on the post below it, except that I wrote it after I wrote the post and because of what I wrote I'm not hungry, and am fantasizing about food. Chili dogs with onions on poppy seed buns with house cut french fries. Honey BBQ wings with crinkle cut fries. Falling off the bone ribs and a baked potato. A large mixing bowl of cereal. None of which I am supposed to be eating. Again, this post is about finding out things about people you think you know....but man, for some fried chicken and corn on the cob.

 My girl Spanky heads for the Middle East next month, after many months of delays from her new employer. She's rented out her house to a friend, moved most of her stuff out, and is getting ready for what promises to be a few years in a less than luxurious accommodations. And she's going to do a little last minute voodoo.

Let me explain.

Spanky called me yesterday after a long break, which normally means she's been doing something that she knows she shouldn't be doing, is ashamed of and doesn't want to hear my pithy but usually astute thoughts on the subject. Translation : She's still going out with him. But she claims this time it's just because she's been really super busy trying to get everything in order for heading out. Since I have one required outing a day - and had skipped the previous day - I suggested a late lunch. She declined, as she had a few more things to get ready for her cleanse. I winced when she said it, because I remembered my own intestinal cleanse and although it cleans you out, the little nozzle they use feels like its....er, I digress. Then ole' Spanky said she still had to pick up the roosters. Wait, roosters?

I have no proof her cleanse started like this...yet.

And cue the surreal music.

I inquired what kind of cleanse was this, and why did it require live chickens? Well, it turns out a 'spiritual' friend of her's from FB was going to perform a ritual to cleanse her before she left the country, involving not one but several chickens. Forgoing any details, primarily because I still wanted to eat that late lunch, I asked her if she was serious. Spanky then revealed this was her SECOND such cleanse, the last of which occurred after her previous horrible paramour and right before this horrible paramour. So it's not so much a "hey, why not" and more of a "You got anymore of them voodoo" type of thing.

I was at a slight loss for words.

I learned long ago that sometimes those things your friends do when you're not around might stop them from being your friend. As a kid it might have been finding out your friends family actually has a Family Game night. In college, that your best buddy doesn't believe in cleaning as a thing. Something they do that's just a little out of kilter, that skews the numbers just outside of acceptable. I'm not saying this is that thing for me and ol' Spanky, but let's just say it's not looking good. Maybe her trip to Middle East has her mind working on different levels. Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe I prefer my chicken to come with cole slaw, fries and some bread or a roll.

Damn, now I want some fried chicken. And some dirty rice. How far is Popeyes?

Barkeep, put that in a to-go cup. What do you mean that's illegal?