Thursday, June 28, 2012

I've been gone for a minute

Ramblings Post #193
Life isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. I try to keep that in mind when things go awry and the carefully laid plans I've made take a odd turn and I end up on a road that isn't even on the map. A dirt road. A one lane dirt road. Though the middle of nowhere. In a driving rain. A one lane dirt road in a driving rain in the middle of the night through the middle of nowhere. It's not like it means I won't end up at my chosen destination eventually, it's that I'm getting delayed. But at my age, delays take on a new significance. 

Despite my best efforts, I will not be taking the bar exam next month. I've run into some issues that I've almost gotten straightened out, but have caused a delay to my personal timetable. And since they only offer the bar twice a year, and the next time is next year, this is now a significant issue. Yes, It bothers me quite a bit that my schedule has been interrupted, but it's not the end of the world. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself. I try to tell myself it will allow me more time to perpare, to get my mind right, as well as a chance to fill in that space at the top of my new resume with work experience in the legal field.  I remember that there are people I walked across the stage with for whom this was the original plan. That this new situation is okay.

The reality is that I have taken a major hit to my self image, and a lot of the things I've been sifting through to get to the other side of my current circumstance keep re-opening the cracks I had so very carefully filled in with hot smoky bits of character and personal fortitude.  And despite assurances from all the peripheral parties, it really is rough on this stretch of road.

The mantra used to be fake it until you make it. Well, I hadn't quite made it when I finally pulled up stakes at the chicken plucking factory, but I was in a fairly comfortable position. Faking it. And taking stock, I am woefully far from where I had hoped to be, even a scant three years ago, much less in the long plan. But then, looking back, walking out on that gig may have been the best move instead waiting around until I found myself in a "who took my cheese" situation, so the plan was going to change anyway. And calls back to see how folks are doing haven't painted the prettiest picture. I got used to that. It was easy. Stall until you know it. 

Now I'm in a brand new game, where faking it isn't even an option. Where your word really is your bond. Where the things you do actually have consequences outside of the idea of a minor interruption or slight inconvenience that existed back at el prollo plucko. In some fields of law, fortunes and lives hang in the balance when you pick up pen or a phone. It is very, very real. In this new situation, my new situation, you either make it or die.

I am going to make it.

But it's not going to be movie montage fast. Nor will it be smooth as I had hoped. Not that I expected it be smooth, but I didn't expect... this. You see, a lot of the plans I've had for my life have ended up petering across the finish line, but then that really makes me no different than most people. This was time it  was supposed to be different. I thought I had done everything right, gotten the assurances I needed, checked and double checked for loose ends. But here we are again. Again. This time at the end of the beginning of the new forever.

The last five years have been less than stellar.  Economy. School. House. Work. Relationships.  But my grandfather once told me that no matter how bad the storm gets, you have to keep moving.

Keep moving. 

I like to think it's a life lesson. I'm going to take it as a life lesson. I'm going to make it a life lesson. I'm going to fill in that part of resume where legal experience should go. I'm going to make it all come together. I will thrive. Because I will.

Barkeep. You know what I want.