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Ramblings Post #194
We all want attention. But sometimes that attention is the kind that makes the skin crawl or causes those little hairs on the back of your neck to rise. That's a less than good kind of attention. And then there is the kind you can't quite quantify. It's like you're having a party, and you're unsure if you're happy people came, or if it bothers you that they only showed up for the cake. 

Nice Things....Ah...

I get a lot of comments for this blog that immediately get erased. Why? Because first, blogger provides a fairly decent spam filter for tings that are spam and second, if the end of your vague laudatory comment that clearly shows no reading of whatever I posted was actually done there is a bundle of links to handbags or shoes or your site, it's going to be caught by the aforementioned filter. They're currently running rotation working between "love you template", "I got so much information from your site" and "that post was so good." The fake applause is so unsatisfying.

The new popular spambot hot spot is one of my Obama posts that features his name at title. I must get ten comments a day there, all ending with four or five links to whatever the guy running the bot is trying to sell. So they all get swallowed up.  I wonder if its targeted like they do regular commercials.  Interesting fact - you can tell if the television show you're watching considers you its intended audience if the commercials appeal to you. You watching a show and all the commercials are for something you hate? The powers that be have no idea you like it. Now in my case the majority of the links are for high end women's apparel - shoes, handbags, scarves, etc. So this little puppy must be "popular with the ladies."

I know the number of daily comments because for some reason, the comments section updates me every time a comment is left...I think left it set on moderate.... so my phone which gets push email updates me to my "advertising partners" efforts each time. Which gets me all excited that someone is trying to reach me! Maybe even for a job! And then I see it's just another ad push. And I am sad. 

Barkeep, a nice lemonade. Hey, do these spambot hits count towards my total

First - Make a plan

Okay, maybe this isn't the best plan. 

I stepped away for a minute, because life comes at you fast. Two months ago I had a plan, and now I'm working on a new plan. Which isn't all that unusual when you think about it. Things happen all the time - you get a flat tire, your date cancels, they are no cheese doodles on the rack, the steak isn't cooked right, your flight is overbooked, and you just deal with it. You make a new plan. That these things aren't completely out of the realm of possibility doesn't make swallowing them any easier. Especially the steak.

Sometimes the new plan is better, sometimes its not...so when you figure out which one the new plan is, you make another new plan. This cycle repeats itself...forever. It's a called life.

Screaming into the electronic darkness. That's what this was when it started. A way to tell my story where it might actually be seen as opposed to random notes on pieces of paper in boxes that will eventually be discarded. My voice...even if nobody ever heard it. Then people starting finding it. People I knew. And at first it was cool. Now I'm not so sure. Semi-anonymous screaming into the darkness is now more like an unlicensed therapy session in front of an improv audience, continually shouting out suggestions.

Not quite what I planned. But then what is?

But you keep moving. Because maybe the storm ends around the next curve. Because sitting still means you remain in the same place, even if there is no storm.  Make a plan. Stick with it. When circumstances change, adapt or die. And I'm not just talking about this meager collection of random thoughts and pearls of occasional brilliance. Occasionally you will need to stand up and go all in, but you got to pick your spots. 

Barkeep. It finally resonates what he meant. "Know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away, know when to run." Something fruity. Let's mix it up.

I've been gone for a minute

Ramblings Post #193
Life isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. I try to keep that in mind when things go awry and the carefully laid plans I've made take a odd turn and I end up on a road that isn't even on the map. A dirt road. A one lane dirt road. Though the middle of nowhere. In a driving rain. A one lane dirt road in a driving rain in the middle of the night through the middle of nowhere. It's not like it means I won't end up at my chosen destination eventually, it's that I'm getting delayed. But at my age, delays take on a new significance. 

Despite my best efforts, I will not be taking the bar exam next month. I've run into some issues that I've almost gotten straightened out, but have caused a delay to my personal timetable. And since they only offer the bar twice a year, and the next time is next year, this is now a significant issue. Yes, It bothers me quite a bit that my schedule has been interrupted, but it's not the end of the world. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself. I try to tell myself it will allow me more time to perpare, to get my mind right, as well as a chance to fill in that space at the top of my new resume with work experience in the legal field.  I remember that there are people I walked across the stage with for whom this was the original plan. That this new situation is okay.

The reality is that I have taken a major hit to my self image, and a lot of the things I've been sifting through to get to the other side of my current circumstance keep re-opening the cracks I had so very carefully filled in with hot smoky bits of character and personal fortitude.  And despite assurances from all the peripheral parties, it really is rough on this stretch of road.

The mantra used to be fake it until you make it. Well, I hadn't quite made it when I finally pulled up stakes at the chicken plucking factory, but I was in a fairly comfortable position. Faking it. And taking stock, I am woefully far from where I had hoped to be, even a scant three years ago, much less in the long plan. But then, looking back, walking out on that gig may have been the best move instead waiting around until I found myself in a "who took my cheese" situation, so the plan was going to change anyway. And calls back to see how folks are doing haven't painted the prettiest picture. I got used to that. It was easy. Stall until you know it. 

Now I'm in a brand new game, where faking it isn't even an option. Where your word really is your bond. Where the things you do actually have consequences outside of the idea of a minor interruption or slight inconvenience that existed back at el prollo plucko. In some fields of law, fortunes and lives hang in the balance when you pick up pen or a phone. It is very, very real. In this new situation, my new situation, you either make it or die.

I am going to make it.

But it's not going to be movie montage fast. Nor will it be smooth as I had hoped. Not that I expected it be smooth, but I didn't expect... this. You see, a lot of the plans I've had for my life have ended up petering across the finish line, but then that really makes me no different than most people. This was time it  was supposed to be different. I thought I had done everything right, gotten the assurances I needed, checked and double checked for loose ends. But here we are again. Again. This time at the end of the beginning of the new forever.

The last five years have been less than stellar.  Economy. School. House. Work. Relationships.  But my grandfather once told me that no matter how bad the storm gets, you have to keep moving.

Keep moving. 

I like to think it's a life lesson. I'm going to take it as a life lesson. I'm going to make it a life lesson. I'm going to fill in that part of resume where legal experience should go. I'm going to make it all come together. I will thrive. Because I will.

Barkeep. You know what I want.

Another Long Day

Some days are long. Still, some days are even longer than then "some days."

I haven't been writing lately because I've got a lot on my mind, and with that AND the bar prep, writing hasn't been my outlet. But then right this second, nothing is my outlet.

You stand and ready yourself for what comes, take a deep breath, and wait for the sky to fall...and hope you can catch it.

Things I meant to comment on...(Life Edition)

Ramblings Post #192
It's been a minute since I popped on here to update the world as to goings on of a prematurely graying, probably could still stand to lose a few more pounds, trying to get his plan together, middle aged African American male in the southern part of the United States. At one point in my history,  this update would have been an exciting tale of intrigue and seduction. Well, maybe not an exciting tale. And not much seduction either, much to my personal disappointment. And intriguing is contextual. So maybe this is just a couple of words on a digital page in a digital bottle out in the middle of a virtual ocean. That scream into the virtual darkness.

School

It would appear that after all this hard work and dedication, there are no more classes I need to qualify for a degree of Juris Doctor. It would appear, kinds souls, that I be done.

The new question is:  What have I done?

Not like it's over though. There is a foot and half tall stack of books in the corner with the words "bar prep material" written all over it. And I keep getting stories of it either being exhausting or mind-numbing. That's it, there is no positive or uplifting version of that story. It’s a matter of semantics : it will hurt bad or you will be badly hurt.  And you still might not pass.

So I got that going for me.

Family

My folks were in town for graduation. It was great seeing the folks, as I haven't ridden down to the old homestead in a minute.  See my elder relatives. Gets me a chili dog from the old spot and chill for minute. And hope my stuff is here when I get back.

House

In an odd stroke of luck, the police called last week to kindly inform me that they've figured out who broke into my house and are issuing an arrest warrant. Which is amazing, considering the success rate for cracking burglary cases is somewhere around 10% or less. Not that I expect to get my stuff back or anything silly like that. Okay, I like to believe that maybe he kept the TV. It was a nice TV. I would like the TV back.

Other than that I bought a book shelf (Ikea) and nice comfy chair to get my stuff organized and ready to start studying for the bar. 

For the past week I've been getting slaughtered regularly in Dwarf Fortress and putting games on the Playstation, but not actually playing them. I have number of games I've purchased over the years, off the bargain rack at GameStop or the used game rack at wherever, that I've never loaded up because I didn't have time to learn a new button pressing  scheme. 

But then bar prep starts soon. So I'm still not gonna have time to learn a new button pressing scheme.  Still, loading them up and seeing the start screens that one day I'll play gives me hope for the future. Okay, not really, but it's something to do.

My Cell Phone

My cell phone is broken. Well, not really broken, as it does makes calls..and texts, and pushes email. And lets me play the little word game on it. And the Google map is useful, it gives traffic updates! But the camera is broken, in that it has slid down in the housing and now half of all the pictures are black. Which is occasionally inconvenient. So I trundled over to the AT&T store to get a new one, because I have the insurance. I won't get the phone without the insurance. I've purchased two phones outright, because I didn't have the insurance, and they were expensive! So, I always get the insurance.

Only now, phone insurance has a deductible. Wait, what? My last phone had no deductible, what's this now? So the guy looks it up, and lo and behold guess what? The deductible is the same price as getting a new phone and starting a new plan.  Son of a...

I didn't take that many damn pictures no way.

Next

So what's Next? Like a lot of folks (due the economy), here I am halfway through the game hitting reset. I realize that there are no rules to life, there was no specific way that this was supposed to be done, but this makes me starting adding up the score in my head. And maybe I'm thinking of it in less than rosy terms because the things and events I had filled the space of my life with (life's little distractions) are gone because I stripped them all away in my effort to get to here. And now that I'm here, well, here is looking a) kinda empty and b) like like I'm in for a lot more work.

Maybe its that I've spent too many hours at my house alone staring at the walls, scared to go out because I might like it, then have to get unused to it quickly once this bar prep starts. Maybe its that I miss people, because the headcount in my house is one, and it doesn't look like its gonna increase anytime soon. I didn't realize how much I needed chicken plucking to keep me sane, and the people I worked with, as opposed to school and long bouts of studying alone, which may have started loosening the bolts on my psyche.  I may have to become a *gasp* coffee shop guy just to get some interaction. Or eat lunch out all the time.  Or something.

Barkeep. Let's extend your vacation. Because it feels like they outlawed hazing everywhere but law school. 

A Long Day

Today.....today shall be a long day. So let it begin.