This is a health post
I'm getting old. What can I say. And things that should be swinging freely are starting to creak. No not that...minds in the gutter. But as my father likes to say, "getting old is better than the alternative." And the band played on...
A few years ago I had a chest pain, and Sporty insisted I go to the doctor, something I normally would not have done. In most cases, being a typical guy, I would have shrugged it off until the pain subsided then found out twenty years from now that my condition had existed since when I should have taken my ass to the doctor long ass time ago. But anyway I did go to the doctor because she said to and found out I had high blood pressure.
I say had because it's much better now. Going to the doctor and finding out fairly early probably helped. She might have saved my life.
I mean, you ever see one of those movies where the doctor's goes "Excuse me sir, are you sure you're breathing?" Yeah, that was me the first time I went. Numbers at the far end of "you might want to lie down, take a few breaths and try to relax." Looking back I'm fairly amazed they didn't call for an ambulance. Now it's down to merely a little high from time to time. Like now.
Maybe it's the school thing, and the job thing, and the house thing, and the money thing and every other damn thing all coming together in a lovely multi-threaded stress weave but lately I have a sensation that I haven't had in years. Back in my heavy drinking days I would wake up after a good drink and feel my blood pressure in my ears. I was a eerie feeling, sort of a low rumble in my head which I knew if I just stayed still for a while would pass. When I stopped drinking like that, those moments alone in bed on Saturday and Sunday mornings hoping I hadn't drunk myself to death passed for the most part.
And that was true until a week ago. I can hear it again. And it scares me.
I mix up the diet - salads, oat bran, baked foods, veggies and juices mixed with fried whatever and the occasionally extra greasy greasy something. I stopped eating crazy portions, now I just eat until I'm full throw the rest away. My weight is still down, my belts and pants loose.
Is it the diet? The stress? The whole of my existence?
Barkeep...something calming and soothing. With some rum in it.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Weekend Update - with me!
Mental Rehab Post #20
Nothing like good honest hard working to get your mind off those things that keep lingering on "done issues." Didn't work all really since she texted me to check on me, but I like to think ... I like to hope anyway... that I'm putting this in the proper perspective. They say time heals all wounds, but then I guess I've always emotionally been a bleeder. But I keep moving. Not always fast, not always pretty and yet the band played on.
Friday was spent in. Yes it was a three day weekend but taking into consideration my "educational responsibilities" I decided to get to work in earnest, maturity being what it is. Due shortly was my first legal memo, a daunting task that my professor joked by the end of the semester, "we'll be able to cut a swath through in a few hours." One can only hope that time comes soon.
I spent most of Friday evening with the jazz channel playing in the background, outlining and reading then re-reading the a) case, b) cases to reference c) the sample case to work from on the handout d) the 70 or so pages from the book that were supposed to give us some mental footing and e)my notes from class. I fell asleep on the couch at 3am with only the outline and marginal understanding of what I'm going to do. My plan is be done with the whole thing by Sunday morning.
Oh the excitement!
Saturday morning...what was left of it, I wrote out a rough. Well, technically it was the rough's rough. The beginning of the part where you begin to get your ideas together. I'm not sure it qualified as a rough draft. Well then to clear my head, I did some laundry and ate something then got back at it. And sketched out a few arguments and started getting the general gist of it.
A scant five hours later I'd finally finished. The rough. Okay, there was a nap in there somewhere and I cleaned up the house a little, but I was feeling like I'd accomplished something. So when my RP called about the Urban Soul pool party I played hooky for a hot minute. And yes, I put the laptop in the trunk.
The party was sparse, but good. People actually got in the pool! At most parties I go to the pool is really more of a decorative item or theme piece than an activity. But I hung for a couple of hours and then took it to the house. Feeling good about the world I found then I made a horrible mistake. No, I hadn't erased anything or done the wrong assignment, but I converted my work so far into the proper format for submission to see how far along I was. The paper had to be three pages. Because I'd used a smaller font and spacing, I somehow typed up nearly four pages. Neat. Great. Whatever. I said fuck it and went to bed.
So Sunday was editing day. Plus my professor had told us this neat co-inky dink where on some printers the document printed out correctly, and others it the lines per page didn't sync between screen and paper. So we might have to jerry-rig something in a bad printing situation. So I edited this, and removed that and looked how to do this again, when around 3pm my RP calls. He's been an attorney for over a decade. His advice? Stop working on it. According to him, no matter what I turn in they're going to turn it to mincemeat. It's part of the process. Tear you down to build you back up in their image. Yada yada yada.
He couldn't have told me this Saturday?
Monday was a holiday. Oooh yeah. First time in a while that I've had a day devoted to nothing. I re-read my assignment again and got my stuff together, looked over my other homework, did more laundry , and then I um...went shopping for Sporty's birthday.
Yeah. So what?
Nothing extravagant. Not the custom action figure of her I was thinking about having made. Not a bevy of the graphic tees she loves from the web. Not the over the top home flower delivery (she loves tulips). Not the one of the many "other items" I was considering ...as far back as May. Last year.
And it's called taking an interest, thank you! My emotions are merely... misdirected... at the moment.
In any case I did that down in Little Five Points, the ATL's little bohemian corner, among the nick-nak shops and record stores then called it a day. And fell asleep again on the couch at 9pm. Thank god I hadn't put the steak in the oven.
On the plus side I did wake up and actually get out of bed at 6am! One day down...four years to go!
Barkeep, Wheat juice with a carrot chaser! and a shot of B12!
Nothing like good honest hard working to get your mind off those things that keep lingering on "done issues." Didn't work all really since she texted me to check on me, but I like to think ... I like to hope anyway... that I'm putting this in the proper perspective. They say time heals all wounds, but then I guess I've always emotionally been a bleeder. But I keep moving. Not always fast, not always pretty and yet the band played on.
Friday was spent in. Yes it was a three day weekend but taking into consideration my "educational responsibilities" I decided to get to work in earnest, maturity being what it is. Due shortly was my first legal memo, a daunting task that my professor joked by the end of the semester, "we'll be able to cut a swath through in a few hours." One can only hope that time comes soon.
I spent most of Friday evening with the jazz channel playing in the background, outlining and reading then re-reading the a) case, b) cases to reference c) the sample case to work from on the handout d) the 70 or so pages from the book that were supposed to give us some mental footing and e)my notes from class. I fell asleep on the couch at 3am with only the outline and marginal understanding of what I'm going to do. My plan is be done with the whole thing by Sunday morning.
Oh the excitement!
Saturday morning...what was left of it, I wrote out a rough. Well, technically it was the rough's rough. The beginning of the part where you begin to get your ideas together. I'm not sure it qualified as a rough draft. Well then to clear my head, I did some laundry and ate something then got back at it. And sketched out a few arguments and started getting the general gist of it.
A scant five hours later I'd finally finished. The rough. Okay, there was a nap in there somewhere and I cleaned up the house a little, but I was feeling like I'd accomplished something. So when my RP called about the Urban Soul pool party I played hooky for a hot minute. And yes, I put the laptop in the trunk.
The party was sparse, but good. People actually got in the pool! At most parties I go to the pool is really more of a decorative item or theme piece than an activity. But I hung for a couple of hours and then took it to the house. Feeling good about the world I found then I made a horrible mistake. No, I hadn't erased anything or done the wrong assignment, but I converted my work so far into the proper format for submission to see how far along I was. The paper had to be three pages. Because I'd used a smaller font and spacing, I somehow typed up nearly four pages. Neat. Great. Whatever. I said fuck it and went to bed.
So Sunday was editing day. Plus my professor had told us this neat co-inky dink where on some printers the document printed out correctly, and others it the lines per page didn't sync between screen and paper. So we might have to jerry-rig something in a bad printing situation. So I edited this, and removed that and looked how to do this again, when around 3pm my RP calls. He's been an attorney for over a decade. His advice? Stop working on it. According to him, no matter what I turn in they're going to turn it to mincemeat. It's part of the process. Tear you down to build you back up in their image. Yada yada yada.
He couldn't have told me this Saturday?
Monday was a holiday. Oooh yeah. First time in a while that I've had a day devoted to nothing. I re-read my assignment again and got my stuff together, looked over my other homework, did more laundry , and then I um...went shopping for Sporty's birthday.
Yeah. So what?
Nothing extravagant. Not the custom action figure of her I was thinking about having made. Not a bevy of the graphic tees she loves from the web. Not the over the top home flower delivery (she loves tulips). Not the one of the many "other items" I was considering ...as far back as May. Last year.
And it's called taking an interest, thank you! My emotions are merely... misdirected... at the moment.
In any case I did that down in Little Five Points, the ATL's little bohemian corner, among the nick-nak shops and record stores then called it a day. And fell asleep again on the couch at 9pm. Thank god I hadn't put the steak in the oven.
On the plus side I did wake up and actually get out of bed at 6am! One day down...four years to go!
Barkeep, Wheat juice with a carrot chaser! and a shot of B12!
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Watching Obama
This is a Political Post
Here we are on the verge of the possiblity of change. Whether or not it will happen is still be seen, but in an age where fractional concepts are rife within both parties, what was will no longer be. In any case, on some level. We live in interesting times. It's about to get bumpy. Bumpier.
I watched "the speech" tonight. I'm going to call it that because that's how we looked upon it going in with hope, or if you're a Republican...disdain. Either way it was significant.
You know, In the right light, he even looks presidential.
He had a lot riding on this. If he delivered will only be decided in the future. Now the pundits and talking heads will soon gather and start telling you what you saw and why this was important or that was a stumble, but then this isn't football and most of us don't need that pale imitation of a John Madden in a bad suit quoting talking points explaining to us where the seam is in the allegorical political defense. But the economy is kinda bad and every job counts, so tune in and feel free to go walk the dog or get the laundry started or something.
Now in my opinion (heck, I may as well be the first pundit, it doesn't look that hard...) the man on stage at Invesco field in front of the diorama that did NOT resemble (to me) a Greek temple or the Lincoln memorial, came out like the Chicago politician you knew was hiding under all that smooth. He was still the poise and cool, but he came out swinging using a great deal of that informal masters degree you get from an Illinois political education.
He hit the notes he needed to hit.
- He defined what he means by change.
- He invoked personal responsibility, typically the tool of his opponents.
- He defined what his policies will be if elected.
- He gave arguments against the personal attacks - celebrity and experience.
- He went after his opponent. Straight up Chicago style.
At the end he turned into a preacher- an old country baptist preacher. The cadence in his voice rising as though it were testifying, then his final tones, like so many on the pulpit from my days of youth, his voice falling to almost conversational tones, so you had to pay attention. It's an old trick, but it worked.
Then like a new age Cosby family, his wife and kids joined him on stage completing the picture. For a hot second I wondered where Theo was.
We listened. We've heard him, without the filter of news reporter or pundit. Now, how you feel is how you feel. We wait for the other guy and see what he's got to say, and go from there.
And that's what America is all about. Win. Lose. Or Draw.
Here we are on the verge of the possiblity of change. Whether or not it will happen is still be seen, but in an age where fractional concepts are rife within both parties, what was will no longer be. In any case, on some level. We live in interesting times. It's about to get bumpy. Bumpier.
I watched "the speech" tonight. I'm going to call it that because that's how we looked upon it going in with hope, or if you're a Republican...disdain. Either way it was significant.
You know, In the right light, he even looks presidential.
He had a lot riding on this. If he delivered will only be decided in the future. Now the pundits and talking heads will soon gather and start telling you what you saw and why this was important or that was a stumble, but then this isn't football and most of us don't need that pale imitation of a John Madden in a bad suit quoting talking points explaining to us where the seam is in the allegorical political defense. But the economy is kinda bad and every job counts, so tune in and feel free to go walk the dog or get the laundry started or something.
Now in my opinion (heck, I may as well be the first pundit, it doesn't look that hard...) the man on stage at Invesco field in front of the diorama that did NOT resemble (to me) a Greek temple or the Lincoln memorial, came out like the Chicago politician you knew was hiding under all that smooth. He was still the poise and cool, but he came out swinging using a great deal of that informal masters degree you get from an Illinois political education.
He hit the notes he needed to hit.
- He defined what he means by change.
- He invoked personal responsibility, typically the tool of his opponents.
- He defined what his policies will be if elected.
- He gave arguments against the personal attacks - celebrity and experience.
- He went after his opponent. Straight up Chicago style.
At the end he turned into a preacher- an old country baptist preacher. The cadence in his voice rising as though it were testifying, then his final tones, like so many on the pulpit from my days of youth, his voice falling to almost conversational tones, so you had to pay attention. It's an old trick, but it worked.
Then like a new age Cosby family, his wife and kids joined him on stage completing the picture. For a hot second I wondered where Theo was.
We listened. We've heard him, without the filter of news reporter or pundit. Now, how you feel is how you feel. We wait for the other guy and see what he's got to say, and go from there.
And that's what America is all about. Win. Lose. Or Draw.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
I don't want to win the lottery
A Mental Rehab Post #19There are thoughts which are connected to other thoughts like we're all six degrees from Kevin Bacon. They don't look like at first, but this matches up to that, and to that, which looks at this and bam, here were are. Strange isn't it?
I really don't want to win the lottery. I occasionally buy a lottery ticket when the prize gets high enough (now that's gall, like $15-20 million just wouldn't be enough) but in reality winning the lottery right now would more than likely be a bad thing. And not why you think.
Now I've read the articles where the people who win end up broke or destitute in few years and I look upon them with wonder. I mean complete and honest freaking wonder. I'd like to believe that if you handed me $30 million cash I'd have a hard time spending it all. Once you get past the initial purchases, exactly what do they spend the money on? House, nice car or two, pay off a bunch of bills, trip or two, and then what? Maybe it's just me.
Don't get me wrong, I know I'm speaking from a lack of experience, but then I have a fairly elaborate plan dealing with lottery winnings which involves trusts, annuities, Brazilian doctors, places where the girls don't speak English, this book I read ten years ago and eventually the phrase "diplomatic immunity." It's a little involved. You hear about these folks and it's like they really thought the money would last forever. It would if you continued to live like you did before you won, but everybody goes and buys everything they ever dreamed about. And then loan all their friends money. And invest in every fly by night idea that comes along. And then wonder why they're broke.
Let me put everybody on notice right now. My family will spread a few bucks around, but the list of hookup folks is maybe five people long and all together non-family gifts won't equal a half million bucks. Ask if you want to, but nobody else sees a dime.
But the real reason I don't want to win the lottery right now is that I already have serious doubts about if the women in life really feel about me. I mean I'm currently suspicious of why women actually like me and I'm relatively broke. I'm guessing a few million errant dollars would only cloud the issue. Hell, I'm guessing a few thousand dollars might cloud the issue. At heart, I am a hopeless romantic. I know that I'll never live in a shack on the beach with a woman who loves me, living off coconut rum and good times. But it would be nice to know that if it came to that, that she'd stay with me. Because she loves me. Really loves me.
The aforementioned Sporty Affair clouds, fogs in and hails the issue.
Everybody wants to be loved. Me included.
Barkeep....two shots of clarity, and not the well brand.
Monday, August 25, 2008
A Weekend IN - Stage whatever
Mental Rehab Post #18
There are certain things that are inevitable. Death, taxes and rejection come to mind, but then there are those things that are expected, that you prepare for and yet when they arrive just as you figured, you're still stunned and surprised. This weekend was one of those moments. And all you can do is chalk it up to a loss and keep it moving.
Friday. Well Friday was supposed to be a study night. Get my stuff together, get my mind together and start really studying for this law school thing. Work on my Research project, read through the case work, maybe even get started on the library assignment. I was actually gonna start acting like a real student. Then I got home.
There is nothing quite like walking into your house, and it not feeling like your house anymore. I've lived here a little over a year and other than the first month where someone tried to steal my car had no problems. I'd been lulled into a false sense of security. Friday showed me just how full of shit I was.
Total cash losses are retail maybe $500-$600 bucks. Repair bill and security upgrades maybe another $500 initially and a $1000 later on. Total comfortable level lost is quite possibly priceless. There is a distinct feeling of helplessness, anger and frustration. The police are nonchalant, as I find out unless you catch them in the act, your priority is way down the list.
So I spend Friday night with a window broken, all the lights on and don't go to sleep until 6:30am. There is little studying done.
Saturday is spent waiting. Waiting for the AT&T dude who actually shows up at 9am. So I'm back on line. Then it's cleaning up house and waiting for the window guy and my new alarm guy. Who don't show up until 3 or 4pm. I spend the day trying to figure how much this is going to cost me, lamenting that I'm not gonna get to kickoff my studying the right way and so I'm half watching football - half studying.
They arrive and fix most of the damage and we talk about getting the upgrades and the fixing other stuff and nobody talks money. Which is both comforting and disturbing. Comforting because I know it's all gonna get done, and disturbing because I'm not gonna be able to say anything about how much anything costs when it's all done. I say all done because they'll be back today to finish up.
That night I force myself to go and get a hamburger. It's like I'd staked out the house as a my fort, and since I will eventually have to leave for some reason, sooner is better than later. Get it over with. I cruise up to Five Guys, get my burger and ride back. Nothing happens while I'm gone.
Later, as it's 2am or so and I'm bored and I'd gone through the usual Neatorama, Fark, and Pixdaus as infinitum so I get stupid and join Facebook. Which I'm gonna be honest looks pretty sad. I'm not really seeing what the big deal is. I make a few friend requests and because I'm curious (and not an internet stalker) because she IS still my "friend", I look and damned if Sporty isn't on there. With a picture of him. And I'm stupid for even looking. So it's stress AND nightmares on Saturday. Woooo.
Sunday is laundry day and still cleaning up. And homework, which I work on sporadically. I realize I'm maybe kinda getting depressed. This for the uninitiated is one of the downsides of living alone, there is no one there to either prop you up or fake it for. One of the symptoms of depression is tiredness and I took two naps during the day so I'm either depressed or the stress is catching up with me. Not good. Study and nap. Study and nap.
I'm so paranoid that when I go to the grocery store I take my laptop and digital camera. This is not good either.
I've done the reading for homework but am gonna leave the projects for after class on Monday. I'll pay for it later but I can't concentrate right this second.
Barkeep...that Maker's I been drinking all weekend and the shotgun under the counter please.
There are certain things that are inevitable. Death, taxes and rejection come to mind, but then there are those things that are expected, that you prepare for and yet when they arrive just as you figured, you're still stunned and surprised. This weekend was one of those moments. And all you can do is chalk it up to a loss and keep it moving.
Friday. Well Friday was supposed to be a study night. Get my stuff together, get my mind together and start really studying for this law school thing. Work on my Research project, read through the case work, maybe even get started on the library assignment. I was actually gonna start acting like a real student. Then I got home.
There is nothing quite like walking into your house, and it not feeling like your house anymore. I've lived here a little over a year and other than the first month where someone tried to steal my car had no problems. I'd been lulled into a false sense of security. Friday showed me just how full of shit I was.
Total cash losses are retail maybe $500-$600 bucks. Repair bill and security upgrades maybe another $500 initially and a $1000 later on. Total comfortable level lost is quite possibly priceless. There is a distinct feeling of helplessness, anger and frustration. The police are nonchalant, as I find out unless you catch them in the act, your priority is way down the list.
So I spend Friday night with a window broken, all the lights on and don't go to sleep until 6:30am. There is little studying done.
Saturday is spent waiting. Waiting for the AT&T dude who actually shows up at 9am. So I'm back on line. Then it's cleaning up house and waiting for the window guy and my new alarm guy. Who don't show up until 3 or 4pm. I spend the day trying to figure how much this is going to cost me, lamenting that I'm not gonna get to kickoff my studying the right way and so I'm half watching football - half studying.
They arrive and fix most of the damage and we talk about getting the upgrades and the fixing other stuff and nobody talks money. Which is both comforting and disturbing. Comforting because I know it's all gonna get done, and disturbing because I'm not gonna be able to say anything about how much anything costs when it's all done. I say all done because they'll be back today to finish up.
That night I force myself to go and get a hamburger. It's like I'd staked out the house as a my fort, and since I will eventually have to leave for some reason, sooner is better than later. Get it over with. I cruise up to Five Guys, get my burger and ride back. Nothing happens while I'm gone.
Later, as it's 2am or so and I'm bored and I'd gone through the usual Neatorama, Fark, and Pixdaus as infinitum so I get stupid and join Facebook. Which I'm gonna be honest looks pretty sad. I'm not really seeing what the big deal is. I make a few friend requests and because I'm curious (and not an internet stalker) because she IS still my "friend", I look and damned if Sporty isn't on there. With a picture of him. And I'm stupid for even looking. So it's stress AND nightmares on Saturday. Woooo.
Sunday is laundry day and still cleaning up. And homework, which I work on sporadically. I realize I'm maybe kinda getting depressed. This for the uninitiated is one of the downsides of living alone, there is no one there to either prop you up or fake it for. One of the symptoms of depression is tiredness and I took two naps during the day so I'm either depressed or the stress is catching up with me. Not good. Study and nap. Study and nap.
I'm so paranoid that when I go to the grocery store I take my laptop and digital camera. This is not good either.
I've done the reading for homework but am gonna leave the projects for after class on Monday. I'll pay for it later but I can't concentrate right this second.
Barkeep...that Maker's I been drinking all weekend and the shotgun under the counter please.
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