Ummm, I was, er, supposed to...

Ramblings Post #287
There are moments when the world slows down and we can reach out with our fingertips to touch the fabric of reality. Every thought and every action is crystal clear and purposeful. Everything has meaning and depth. We are the masters of the universe. This is not that moment. 

I've been out of it.

This chicken plucking schedule has me so off my body clock, so off kilter, so off the grid that I didn't even fill out a bracket this year. I'd printed out a bracket and filled in a few first round games, but left it for later because my mind was fuzzy with other things. The whole week has been odd. Even stranger, no one in my office even mentioned the games. Not once all week. The games weren't on at lunch in the break room. Now that I remember it, Tosh.0 was playing. No office pool, no predictions, nothing.

Now I'm not a devoted fan of college basketball by any stretch of the imagination. I have buddies who can tell you what high school someone played at, offensive schemes, player tendencies and shooting percentages for multiple teams. I just like a good game, and underdog story, both of which the tourney is chock full of. I like a lot of people watch for the sport, not because I have a team.  

But to work in an office full of guys who don't watch any sports? Not any of them? What in the world is really going on? What strange land is this?

Barkeep. A Redbull smoothie with a shot of Tequila, and bag of Doritos.

And Boom, there goes your bracket...

Ramblings Post #260
I'm just curious as to why Warren Buffett and Quicken Loans only offered a billion dollars. I mean, since nobody was going to win it, why not offer five or ten billion? As I understand it, only the first day of games have been played and more than 99% of the participants are already eliminated. So the only real winner was the intended winner: Quicken Loans...who now have your information. That you gave them. Willingly. Isn't America grand? 

Well, it's the first day, and here we are. Around 9pm last night I wondered if I could sue the NCAA selection committee for intentional infliction of emotional distress. Really, North Dakota? Okay, I picked Harvard, but Dayton? Kiss. My. Ugh.

THE SEEDS WERE A LIE.

Oh, well. More ball today. Should I keep watching, or maybe I'll just load me up some Grand Theft Auto V? Oh, I'm a glutton for punishment. Where is my remote?

Barkeep. Just a beer. Cold. Whatever.

How To Put Together Your Bracket

Ramblings Post #259
March. Wasn't it supposed to warm about now? Hello? Can I get a little heat up in here. I'd like to thank that California station for their bold musical effort to end winter, but I'll guess we'll just have to move on. Basketball! This used to mean the start of the Atlanta Pro Party Circuit. Ah, the good old days.

My brother is not a sports fan, not really. For years he seemed amazed that I would devote time and attention to following my favorite football team. Only recently has he started following a team of his own, the exact rationale of which I'm not sure, although at one point he articulated his interest as the game being a small metaphor for life: No matter what happened on the last play, you have to line for the next play, etc. He may have another motivation now, but I don't know what it is.

This life long attitude is why I wasn't surprised when he asked me about NCAA brackets a week or so ago. I think he's doing this because in his office, much like in every other office in America, it's a thing you do. Print a bracket, put in $5 bucks, and comment on it going forward. Realizing the truth of the matter, that the lottery has better odds, I've taken a few moments to put together a little primer to get him and all the rest of you interested in donating to office pool started.

Step 1. Watch every college basketball game, keeping track of who did what.

I realize that this step is long and tedious, and at this point will require a time machine, two cases of red bull, a unlimited pizza account and a cray supercomputer. Since this particular step may prove a bit pricey and difficult for most, so let's chuck this one and start over. But, if you can afford it, get the time machine with XM, you're gonna be in there a while.

New Step 1.  Print out a bracket.

If you can't find a printable bracket online, you might want to just go ahead and let this go now. Just donate that $5 to the office pool and tell everyone you'll submit it later, then pretend to get busy and forgot. Yeesh, everybody has one. ESPN, CBS Sports, NCAA, Slate, everybody. Okay, I don't have one on here, but I know everyone else does. Just type "printable bracket" into Google. You may need to just type "printable br" and auto fill in will get it.

Step 2. Pretend to do some research.

Traipsing about I found this wonderful tool on HuffPost, which also has a printable bracket. It's a research thing type bracket dealie whatsits that lets you decide how much weight to give to all the pertinent factors - experts, seeding, defense, rebounding - and to all the non-pertinent factors - tuition, graduation rates, etc. Play with it, it's kinda fun.

Or you could read through an ESPN, USA Today or Sporting News article to see who is hurt on which team, who looks hot for the tourney and who is off their game right now. Expert opinions are crucial in pretending to know what you don't know. It won't matter, but do it anyway. Reading is fundamental.

Step 3. Fill in your bracket.

Yes, just fill it in. Let your pretend research guide your hand. Just remember that #1 seeds always beat #16 seeds. Well, there is always a first time they might lose, but what are the odds? And #2 seeds almost always beat #15 seeds. Almost always. After that it gets, well, I want to say tricky but I'm gonna say easy. Pick the higher seed unless you know the team, in which case pick the team you know, unless you know one of the coaches, then pick the coach. Unless of course you know which team has the more prominent shoe contract, or if you read an article about them, in which case flip a coin. Not rock paper scissors, that would be unscientific. If you know a player or a water-boy, pick that team, unless it's Wednesday and you had fries with lunch, then pick the team with dark colored jerseys. Unless the coach has a G in his name. Now, if it's Tuesday and you use a Mac, pick the team whose mascot comes first in the alphabet, otherwise, you'll need some soup bones, some chicken blood and then draw a circle on the ground with 64 numbers around it. Let me look up the spell you'll need.

Your pretend research should have also revealed a few "bracket busters", teams which nobody expected to win and which ruins cumulative wins by removing a team everyone thought would go far. Actually it won't, I'm just playing. You won't see them either, heck, half their fans won't, but it's nice to pretend you did see it, so claim you meant to pick them, but hedged your pick.

Step #4. Relax. 

If anyone asks how you're doing, you always have to "Go check your brackets." Never have it handy. In reality, the only person paying that close attention after day one is the person running the pool. If it's online, he's not even doing that. Feel free to use the phrase, "I think I got that one" after a victory or loss if anyone asks. No one expects you know all the teams or all your picks.

The weird part is I've actually won my office pool in the past. I don't know how, I was told that I did and I accepted my winnings. Just so you know, the odds of picking a perfect bracket, getting all the teams right, are 1 in 9.2 quintillion. I was nowhere near perfect. You see, you don't have to beat those odds, you have to only get luckier than anyone in your pool. As the tourney proceeds, few of the expected winners are going to have off nights and lose. There will be a Cinderella story that will fizzle out before its all over. But in the end we'll all get to see some pretty good basketball, and that's what counts.  

Barkeep, I'll need a bucket of beers, a thing of nachos, a bowl of peanuts, the wing appetizer, and double order of ribs. I don't know if anyone else wants anything. And no, I'm not leaving for a while.

Who decided these seedings anyway?

Ramblings Post #220
Every year there is the ritual. We seek guidance and direction, hoping that the path we choose will lead us to a place of comfort...and victory in the office pool. Yes, I'm talking about College Basketball, March Madness, and all the joy and heartbreak that it contains.

To pick three #12 seeds beating #5 seeds as upsets would have been the height of insanity...before this years tourney. Oregon beat Oklahoma St, Ole Miss beat Wisconsin, and California beat UNLV. Throw in the #14 ranked Harvard knocking out a #3 seed and I doubt anyone without 42 different brackets is doing anywhere near decent. The Boom! La Salle takes out Kansas State and that bracket is hanging on by a thread.

Wait, how much time is on the clock in Georgetown game? Who is Florida Gulf Coast? Oh, the guys who just beat the #2 seed and now that bracket is wobbly as well. If Southern's near cataclysmic take down of #1 seeded Gonzaga had actually happened, I would have turned off my TV and called it a wrap. My only consolation is that nobody saw all of THAT coming. At least nobody I know. That Gonzaga actually lost in the second round, well, one of my boys actually called that one...but nobody believed him at the time.

I have actually won a pool in the past, my picks apparently just a little bit more fortuitous than everyone else's, but this year has proved to be especially vexing. Not because I'm a great college basketball fan (I'm not), but because conventional wisdom has not only gone out the window, it's gone down the street, caught a bus to the airport and is currently drinking rum on the beach in St. Croix. And apparently no one in ESPN over eight million strong player base had anything even close to this outcome.

Kinda makes me thinks sports really are America's last place where the underdog can triumph. Oh, wait, Har-vhud. Yeah, right.

Bracketology 103 - The Final Four

Using one sport term to explain another, I believe I shanked that one. March Madness is over and thanks to a last second Sportcenter worthy moment shot to get to OT, I won my office pool. Yay me! I also said prior to going in that the whole thing would be a waste (the first two games were), with all the games decided well before halftime in this heavyweight bout that would resemble a Rocky movie.

Only I apparently haven't seen a Rocky movie in ages.

There is a reason there are six of them. The first one, from thirty years ago (Damn, how old is Stallone?) ended with Rocky getting his ass beat. It wasn't until the second that he started the long series of improbable victories that became the signature of the series. That and Cousin Paulie. And last night in the Alamo dome, they shot a Rocky movie. Complete with comeback and everything.

When was the last time a Championship game went to overtime? (I'm certain somebody on ESPN has already said) With two minutes left and leading by nine, the rims shrank by six inches at free throw time on the Memphis end of the court. Is Shaq their free throw coach? True the scrappy freshman Rose, whose three that became a two is the story of the game (when did basketball get instant replay?) balled out of control, but in the clinch you got to knock down the gimmes. And Memphis couldn't. Seriously, is Shaq their free throw coach?

So Kansas, with seconds ticking in regulation hits a three to send it to OT (Rocky makes it to the last round on a prayer) then pulls away after getting soundly played the whole rest of the game (Rocky finds the strength/Mick cuts him/he finds the eye of the Tiger/Paulie gets his head rubbed/something) and wins it all.

Sounds like somebody should make a movie about something like this. Oh wait, somebody already did.

Barkeep...water, splash of lime.

Bracketology 102 - the second weekend

It's all come down to this. There is no Cinderella story out of nowhere. There is no Giant killer. There is no sleeper. There is no tourney surprise. For the first time in like ever it's all going according to plan. Sure in the downstream there were a few tweaks here and there, a sliver of hope to make the games interesting, a couple of 12 seeds doing nobody any good, but in the end...all the #1 seeds made it to the Final Four. Which means other than the Georgetown fiasco, I'm doing pretty damn good in my brackets.

Nobody will be playing above their game, and all the crazy scenarios that breeds. What we'll be getting is evenly matched basketball. All of these are conference champs, on hot win streaks, and have been leading the way since they laced'em up in that first practice with Midnight Madness.

So who else thinks none of the games is gonna be any good?

Yeah, I said it. None of the games will be good after 15 minutes. Whoever is leading at halftime can go on and start chanting "We want (fill in the blank here)!" because it won't be a game after that. These aren't scrappy fighters here - flyweights or lightweights trying for any advantage...this the super heavyweight decision, every move calculated. And once we figure out which one Rocky is you can go ahead and write the other guy off. I don't expect lay downs, but I'm not looking for a run in the last five minutes to bring a team back for a last second "oh my god did you see that" Sportscenter moment. Won't happen. Not a chance.

The rest of the pool still in contention has Mr. Hansbrough and the rest of the Tarheels cutting down nets on Monday. I went with Kansas. In one of them pools I went with Kansas. Whatever. Memphis and UCLA have their backs against the wall, as most of their teams will be NBA bound as soon as the agents can race down onto the court after the final whistle. So they'll be ready to play for certain. But in the end, everybody will swinging and as I said, I feel a dominance showing up with 5 mins or so left to play in the first half. In all three games. Call it a hunch.

Somewhere that NCAA exec who runs the basketball wing is calling up the the exec at CBS and reminding him how lucky he his. Look at what we gave you. Come Tuesday I'm betting that CBS exec will be calling back to see if that schmuck can explain what happened.

So that's the call from down in here. No details, no stats and analysis, just a feeling. And that's all I got.

Barkeep - an Hawaiian Punch...in a shot glass.

Bracketology 101 - the first weekend.

Okay, last year I said it...I didn't like Duke. Coach K and and boys wear their confidence like a smug sport jacket, in Duke blue no less, and that along with the unbridled smugness of their fans make watching them go out all the more sweet. I'm almost certain most of the country, no, most of the basketball playing world, feels that same way.

Unless you picked them into the Sweet 16.

Okay, first they get worn out by Belmont, who showed up like a team who didn't read the program and thought they were playing the West Washington High Blue Devils. Duke is supposed to be stocked, and I mean stocked with McDonald's (argh!) All-Americans and they got run up and down the court. But I wasn't worried. This was a first round scare, they get their legs back, talk it over and Coach K will have them back in form on Sunday. Then they played West Virginia...who played them like the West Washington High Blue Devils Junior Squad. One has to believe that whoever ranks these teams sleeps in Duke PJs with footies. And there they go...again.

Then low and behold, out of nowhere Davidson beats Georgetown. Who saw this coming? Each year the ESPN tourney brackets boasts some fool who accidentally picked what happens to 99% accuracy or better. I have a bracket there (which has got to be the hardest damn thing to find on the screen, I mean jeez!) and let me tell you, I'm not even close. Not even. Who picks two 12 seeds, a 10 seeds and 7? Who? Come on! Not even someone who had chosen the winners based on how they might have liked the unis wouldn't have come up with this combination.

At least Kansas, UCLA and Tennessee are still hanging on, the last one by it's teeth. When did college basketball get parity? So I got a wobbly bracket, but no busts.

While all this was going on Easter happened. Normally, I spend that gift-less holiday with family - my brother - but this year I got a call from Shade who'd popped into town (outta nowhere) and kicked off a round robin of events that started with me explaining to her the pretty mirror theory and ended up us playing Midwest rules double chicken Uno somewhere off Cascade. Suffice it to say that meant I was unable to focus on the games.

Oh well, more there is to life say but me and God.

Barkeep...Sparkling Grape Juice with a slice of Orange.

The champ is groggy...the champ is down!

Yesterday marked the start of the annual sports frenzy that is the NCAA March Madness. (which in case you didn't know is trademarked and I could get in trouble for saying that). Every year, offices around the country slowdown as mysterious colds arise on Thursday morning and personal time gets exercised to it's fullest. I cannot tell you how many empty parking spaces there were at my job.

But I dutifully turned in my brackets to the office pool (they say I left Texas A&M empty) and didn't bother to check any scores until after 6pm. All day I heard groans and the phrase "last I heard they were up by six" time and time again as people surrpitiously checked scores all day long. Which if you must know is a bitch at my workplace as the they only alot you and hour of "quota time" a day for no approved websites, under which falls anything carrying sports information. Bastiches.

So one of my picks, one that chose with relish, was Duke losing to VCU in the first round.

Usually the much hated Blue Devils (Bill Simmons of ESPN shouldn't have had to apologize, we all hate Duke) are a one or two seed, and a pick against them is spitting into the wind. But this year they had lost three going in and were a six seed. A SIX, do you hear me? Sixes lose to thirteens all the time, don't they?

So I inked it up, put in my money and went back to work.

After work and somebody's "I gotta better job" leaving party, I crawled into the house and checked my brackets. I'd gone fairly conservative this year(although I did have Gonzanga and Texas Tech), lo and behold, it had happened. The champ was in trouble, the champ was groggy, and with lead that lasted maybe two minutes the champ...was down.

I don't know why I don't like Duke. Maybe it's the perceived arrogance of the program, or the smug fans or that they're always there, in the thick of it every season.

I just know I don't like them. And now they're gone.

Ha ha.

Bartender. Let me get some of that Old Crow.