Mental Rehab Post #21
Here we have what they call in the business the relapse. Better known as falling of the wagon, I opened up my "dream box" and it's something I probably need to close. I almost wish she either mad at me for not getting it or just ignored me, but then I hear from her and ....let's just say I shouldn't still feel like that. But I do. And the band played on.
Friday - Studying. My first complete legal memo was due Monday so I hunkered down, got my paperwork and got my arguments together, reviewed the details and worked out a overall sketch and outline of what I intended to write and how all the elements fit together following the layout we had discussed in class.
And the sad part is you believe all that.
Okay, that was the plan. Really. The reality is Sporty didn't agree with me that my idea of getting her something for her birthday was a bad idea. So although I had the best laid plans, in reality I sat on my couch looking at my laptop screen unable to concentrate. Had I actually done something like oh, watched TV or a movie or read a book I might even have reason to be mad at myself, but I as planned I on turned on the Jazz Channel and looked at the little laptop screen with one the cases on my lap staring off into space.
Until I woke up around 4am and went to bed.
So Saturday my head is clear, and I'm going to get at it. I actually do read the cases and do the actual outline and kind of mess around and don't do a whole lot else.
To reward myself for nothing I take Saturday off (I'm so smart) and go to a birthday for a friend of mine down in the Castleberry District. It's a new little spot called Tapas 255, which is done really well as far as the decor and the atmosphere. Unlike the walk-in closet sized M Bar next door, the spot has some space, the deck looks great and the crowd looks like their old enough to order drinks. That last part is occasionally a problem in Castleberry.
One special note, I passed a party of what I considered OLD people, you know people in suits of the primary colors with matching shoes and hats (red, green, that sort of thing) and a few of the younger dudes looked at me and said it looked like my kinda crowd. Wanted to kick him in his young ass.
I was only staying an hour, so like three hours later I finally get the ass to leave. I would have left earlier (seriously) but the waitress disappeared with my credit card. Mine and like six other peoples. For like forty five minutes. I'm checking my balance daily for the next few weeks. Okay, maybe I would have stayed because It's been awhile since I did the "club thing" and girls don't usually wear skirts that short to house parties. There were a few I knew couldn't bend more than ten degrees forwards or backwards without ...er...getting friendly with the world.
The party was nice. Traded a little gossip, got some free cake, and had a woman approach me on her own initiative. I did look good in the black though.
Sunday. I had no choice. I got to actual work. And then I realized my folly. Around say...8pm I realized I hadn't eaten dinner yet. Or lunch. Or breakfast for that matter. This was much harder than I thought, even though I had an outline. I had even missed most of the Cowboy season opener to get this done! What's really going on? (Thank god for SportsCenter) So I keep at it till, revising and rewriting till...2am? ...and finish up the last paragraph and polish at the office.
Let's hope this is lesson learned. But I doubt it.
Barkeep. Aw man forget it, I'm going to bed.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Monday, September 8, 2008
Poetry
why
why couldn't have I have been
been him
the one you called your man
he who fit your plan
been the smile that made you smile
the groove that fit your style
the wind that filled your sail
that special piece of male
a pair of arms to hold you tight
in the deep recess of night
the spring to fill your soul
you see
I was part but not the whole
why not I
why couldn't have I have been
been him
the one you called your man
he who fit your plan
been the smile that made you smile
the groove that fit your style
the wind that filled your sail
that special piece of male
a pair of arms to hold you tight
in the deep recess of night
the spring to fill your soul
you see
I was part but not the whole
why not I
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Odd Quotes
Love is what you've been through with somebody.
~James Thurber, quoted in Life magazine, 1960
~James Thurber, quoted in Life magazine, 1960
Friday, September 5, 2008
Watching McCain
This is a Political Post
I find it odd that both candidates are touting change as the big ticket item this year as the campaigns go forward. Stephen Colbert put it best when, and I paraphrase, "The Republicans believe that only the Republicans are in the right position to fix the mess the Republicans made." Maybe. I don't know. But it's gonna be an interesting ride finding out.
I listened to Obama, so in all fairness I sat and listened to McCain.
Well, let's just say that McCain doesn't have the same resonant tone as is his opponent.
I watched a few minutes of Cindy McCain as well, and I will say this, she does really care for her husband. True she looked plastic, almost Stepford-ish standing on stage, but then that's probably what's best for showing off love.
I didn't watch Palin the night before, but I understand she came off either very forthright or very mean spirited depending on your point of view. But I felt compelled to tune into what could be the future President (at least for while provided his heart doesn't give out) and give him my ear just like I gave it to the democratic nominee.
The crowd looked like the country club. I kept looking for minorities in the crowd shots (sorry, just my reaction). And they sounded like they were in still in Beijing cheering on Micheal Phelps. USA! USA! And just once I'd like to see McCain introduced without mention of his time as a POW. He's done quite a bit since then.
Oh kay.
John McCain isn't really a great speaker, but we're supposed to judge him on his words. He touted his maverick credentials and his long service. He brought up how those on his side of fallen to temptation. Which I found interesting.
Then he warmed up the mike and started singing what sounded like the hoary old Republican song...denigrating his opponent and acting for the most part like he didn't tune in last Thursday and at least get his facts straight. Obama will raise taxes. Obama will take away jobs. Obama thinks he's been anointed by God. Obama will (fill in the blank with the disaster of your choice).
He did mention he hated war, which seemed odd for a man willing to commit our troops for 100 years.
And he talked about change. Which seems for odd for man who has been inside Bush's back pocket for 8 years.
Then he talked about bipartisanship... which was good.
Then he talked about transparency.... which was good.
He mentioned service...always a good concept.
Then he talked about Vietnam.... for a while.
One cannot deny that John McCain has served his country. We can also agree that he's not the greatest speaker in the world. But he touted service, and change and ....er....lots and lots of service.
So now onto the debates.
Just floating this out there...why debates? Why not a discussion. Three chairs. McCain in one, Obama in the other and stranger off the street every five minutes with a new, unrehearsed question that both men chime in on, back and forth. Give'em two hours, televised with breaks every thirty minutes. What do you say?
Maybe someone from a network reads this blog....and maybe I'm just dreaming
I find it odd that both candidates are touting change as the big ticket item this year as the campaigns go forward. Stephen Colbert put it best when, and I paraphrase, "The Republicans believe that only the Republicans are in the right position to fix the mess the Republicans made." Maybe. I don't know. But it's gonna be an interesting ride finding out.
I listened to Obama, so in all fairness I sat and listened to McCain.
Well, let's just say that McCain doesn't have the same resonant tone as is his opponent.
I watched a few minutes of Cindy McCain as well, and I will say this, she does really care for her husband. True she looked plastic, almost Stepford-ish standing on stage, but then that's probably what's best for showing off love.
I didn't watch Palin the night before, but I understand she came off either very forthright or very mean spirited depending on your point of view. But I felt compelled to tune into what could be the future President (at least for while provided his heart doesn't give out) and give him my ear just like I gave it to the democratic nominee.
The crowd looked like the country club. I kept looking for minorities in the crowd shots (sorry, just my reaction). And they sounded like they were in still in Beijing cheering on Micheal Phelps. USA! USA! And just once I'd like to see McCain introduced without mention of his time as a POW. He's done quite a bit since then.
Oh kay.
John McCain isn't really a great speaker, but we're supposed to judge him on his words. He touted his maverick credentials and his long service. He brought up how those on his side of fallen to temptation. Which I found interesting.
Then he warmed up the mike and started singing what sounded like the hoary old Republican song...denigrating his opponent and acting for the most part like he didn't tune in last Thursday and at least get his facts straight. Obama will raise taxes. Obama will take away jobs. Obama thinks he's been anointed by God. Obama will (fill in the blank with the disaster of your choice).
He did mention he hated war, which seemed odd for a man willing to commit our troops for 100 years.
And he talked about change. Which seems for odd for man who has been inside Bush's back pocket for 8 years.
Then he talked about bipartisanship... which was good.
Then he talked about transparency.... which was good.
He mentioned service...always a good concept.
Then he talked about Vietnam.... for a while.
One cannot deny that John McCain has served his country. We can also agree that he's not the greatest speaker in the world. But he touted service, and change and ....er....lots and lots of service.
So now onto the debates.
Just floating this out there...why debates? Why not a discussion. Three chairs. McCain in one, Obama in the other and stranger off the street every five minutes with a new, unrehearsed question that both men chime in on, back and forth. Give'em two hours, televised with breaks every thirty minutes. What do you say?
Maybe someone from a network reads this blog....and maybe I'm just dreaming
Thursday, September 4, 2008
I can feel my blood pressure
This is a health post
I'm getting old. What can I say. And things that should be swinging freely are starting to creak. No not that...minds in the gutter. But as my father likes to say, "getting old is better than the alternative." And the band played on...
A few years ago I had a chest pain, and Sporty insisted I go to the doctor, something I normally would not have done. In most cases, being a typical guy, I would have shrugged it off until the pain subsided then found out twenty years from now that my condition had existed since when I should have taken my ass to the doctor long ass time ago. But anyway I did go to the doctor because she said to and found out I had high blood pressure.
I say had because it's much better now. Going to the doctor and finding out fairly early probably helped. She might have saved my life.
I mean, you ever see one of those movies where the doctor's goes "Excuse me sir, are you sure you're breathing?" Yeah, that was me the first time I went. Numbers at the far end of "you might want to lie down, take a few breaths and try to relax." Looking back I'm fairly amazed they didn't call for an ambulance. Now it's down to merely a little high from time to time. Like now.
Maybe it's the school thing, and the job thing, and the house thing, and the money thing and every other damn thing all coming together in a lovely multi-threaded stress weave but lately I have a sensation that I haven't had in years. Back in my heavy drinking days I would wake up after a good drink and feel my blood pressure in my ears. I was a eerie feeling, sort of a low rumble in my head which I knew if I just stayed still for a while would pass. When I stopped drinking like that, those moments alone in bed on Saturday and Sunday mornings hoping I hadn't drunk myself to death passed for the most part.
And that was true until a week ago. I can hear it again. And it scares me.
I mix up the diet - salads, oat bran, baked foods, veggies and juices mixed with fried whatever and the occasionally extra greasy greasy something. I stopped eating crazy portions, now I just eat until I'm full throw the rest away. My weight is still down, my belts and pants loose.
Is it the diet? The stress? The whole of my existence?
Barkeep...something calming and soothing. With some rum in it.
I'm getting old. What can I say. And things that should be swinging freely are starting to creak. No not that...minds in the gutter. But as my father likes to say, "getting old is better than the alternative." And the band played on...
A few years ago I had a chest pain, and Sporty insisted I go to the doctor, something I normally would not have done. In most cases, being a typical guy, I would have shrugged it off until the pain subsided then found out twenty years from now that my condition had existed since when I should have taken my ass to the doctor long ass time ago. But anyway I did go to the doctor because she said to and found out I had high blood pressure.
I say had because it's much better now. Going to the doctor and finding out fairly early probably helped. She might have saved my life.
I mean, you ever see one of those movies where the doctor's goes "Excuse me sir, are you sure you're breathing?" Yeah, that was me the first time I went. Numbers at the far end of "you might want to lie down, take a few breaths and try to relax." Looking back I'm fairly amazed they didn't call for an ambulance. Now it's down to merely a little high from time to time. Like now.
Maybe it's the school thing, and the job thing, and the house thing, and the money thing and every other damn thing all coming together in a lovely multi-threaded stress weave but lately I have a sensation that I haven't had in years. Back in my heavy drinking days I would wake up after a good drink and feel my blood pressure in my ears. I was a eerie feeling, sort of a low rumble in my head which I knew if I just stayed still for a while would pass. When I stopped drinking like that, those moments alone in bed on Saturday and Sunday mornings hoping I hadn't drunk myself to death passed for the most part.
And that was true until a week ago. I can hear it again. And it scares me.
I mix up the diet - salads, oat bran, baked foods, veggies and juices mixed with fried whatever and the occasionally extra greasy greasy something. I stopped eating crazy portions, now I just eat until I'm full throw the rest away. My weight is still down, my belts and pants loose.
Is it the diet? The stress? The whole of my existence?
Barkeep...something calming and soothing. With some rum in it.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Weekend Update - with me!
Mental Rehab Post #20
Nothing like good honest hard working to get your mind off those things that keep lingering on "done issues." Didn't work all really since she texted me to check on me, but I like to think ... I like to hope anyway... that I'm putting this in the proper perspective. They say time heals all wounds, but then I guess I've always emotionally been a bleeder. But I keep moving. Not always fast, not always pretty and yet the band played on.
Friday was spent in. Yes it was a three day weekend but taking into consideration my "educational responsibilities" I decided to get to work in earnest, maturity being what it is. Due shortly was my first legal memo, a daunting task that my professor joked by the end of the semester, "we'll be able to cut a swath through in a few hours." One can only hope that time comes soon.
I spent most of Friday evening with the jazz channel playing in the background, outlining and reading then re-reading the a) case, b) cases to reference c) the sample case to work from on the handout d) the 70 or so pages from the book that were supposed to give us some mental footing and e)my notes from class. I fell asleep on the couch at 3am with only the outline and marginal understanding of what I'm going to do. My plan is be done with the whole thing by Sunday morning.
Oh the excitement!
Saturday morning...what was left of it, I wrote out a rough. Well, technically it was the rough's rough. The beginning of the part where you begin to get your ideas together. I'm not sure it qualified as a rough draft. Well then to clear my head, I did some laundry and ate something then got back at it. And sketched out a few arguments and started getting the general gist of it.
A scant five hours later I'd finally finished. The rough. Okay, there was a nap in there somewhere and I cleaned up the house a little, but I was feeling like I'd accomplished something. So when my RP called about the Urban Soul pool party I played hooky for a hot minute. And yes, I put the laptop in the trunk.
The party was sparse, but good. People actually got in the pool! At most parties I go to the pool is really more of a decorative item or theme piece than an activity. But I hung for a couple of hours and then took it to the house. Feeling good about the world I found then I made a horrible mistake. No, I hadn't erased anything or done the wrong assignment, but I converted my work so far into the proper format for submission to see how far along I was. The paper had to be three pages. Because I'd used a smaller font and spacing, I somehow typed up nearly four pages. Neat. Great. Whatever. I said fuck it and went to bed.
So Sunday was editing day. Plus my professor had told us this neat co-inky dink where on some printers the document printed out correctly, and others it the lines per page didn't sync between screen and paper. So we might have to jerry-rig something in a bad printing situation. So I edited this, and removed that and looked how to do this again, when around 3pm my RP calls. He's been an attorney for over a decade. His advice? Stop working on it. According to him, no matter what I turn in they're going to turn it to mincemeat. It's part of the process. Tear you down to build you back up in their image. Yada yada yada.
He couldn't have told me this Saturday?
Monday was a holiday. Oooh yeah. First time in a while that I've had a day devoted to nothing. I re-read my assignment again and got my stuff together, looked over my other homework, did more laundry , and then I um...went shopping for Sporty's birthday.
Yeah. So what?
Nothing extravagant. Not the custom action figure of her I was thinking about having made. Not a bevy of the graphic tees she loves from the web. Not the over the top home flower delivery (she loves tulips). Not the one of the many "other items" I was considering ...as far back as May. Last year.
And it's called taking an interest, thank you! My emotions are merely... misdirected... at the moment.
In any case I did that down in Little Five Points, the ATL's little bohemian corner, among the nick-nak shops and record stores then called it a day. And fell asleep again on the couch at 9pm. Thank god I hadn't put the steak in the oven.
On the plus side I did wake up and actually get out of bed at 6am! One day down...four years to go!
Barkeep, Wheat juice with a carrot chaser! and a shot of B12!
Nothing like good honest hard working to get your mind off those things that keep lingering on "done issues." Didn't work all really since she texted me to check on me, but I like to think ... I like to hope anyway... that I'm putting this in the proper perspective. They say time heals all wounds, but then I guess I've always emotionally been a bleeder. But I keep moving. Not always fast, not always pretty and yet the band played on.
Friday was spent in. Yes it was a three day weekend but taking into consideration my "educational responsibilities" I decided to get to work in earnest, maturity being what it is. Due shortly was my first legal memo, a daunting task that my professor joked by the end of the semester, "we'll be able to cut a swath through in a few hours." One can only hope that time comes soon.
I spent most of Friday evening with the jazz channel playing in the background, outlining and reading then re-reading the a) case, b) cases to reference c) the sample case to work from on the handout d) the 70 or so pages from the book that were supposed to give us some mental footing and e)my notes from class. I fell asleep on the couch at 3am with only the outline and marginal understanding of what I'm going to do. My plan is be done with the whole thing by Sunday morning.
Oh the excitement!
Saturday morning...what was left of it, I wrote out a rough. Well, technically it was the rough's rough. The beginning of the part where you begin to get your ideas together. I'm not sure it qualified as a rough draft. Well then to clear my head, I did some laundry and ate something then got back at it. And sketched out a few arguments and started getting the general gist of it.
A scant five hours later I'd finally finished. The rough. Okay, there was a nap in there somewhere and I cleaned up the house a little, but I was feeling like I'd accomplished something. So when my RP called about the Urban Soul pool party I played hooky for a hot minute. And yes, I put the laptop in the trunk.
The party was sparse, but good. People actually got in the pool! At most parties I go to the pool is really more of a decorative item or theme piece than an activity. But I hung for a couple of hours and then took it to the house. Feeling good about the world I found then I made a horrible mistake. No, I hadn't erased anything or done the wrong assignment, but I converted my work so far into the proper format for submission to see how far along I was. The paper had to be three pages. Because I'd used a smaller font and spacing, I somehow typed up nearly four pages. Neat. Great. Whatever. I said fuck it and went to bed.
So Sunday was editing day. Plus my professor had told us this neat co-inky dink where on some printers the document printed out correctly, and others it the lines per page didn't sync between screen and paper. So we might have to jerry-rig something in a bad printing situation. So I edited this, and removed that and looked how to do this again, when around 3pm my RP calls. He's been an attorney for over a decade. His advice? Stop working on it. According to him, no matter what I turn in they're going to turn it to mincemeat. It's part of the process. Tear you down to build you back up in their image. Yada yada yada.
He couldn't have told me this Saturday?
Monday was a holiday. Oooh yeah. First time in a while that I've had a day devoted to nothing. I re-read my assignment again and got my stuff together, looked over my other homework, did more laundry , and then I um...went shopping for Sporty's birthday.
Yeah. So what?
Nothing extravagant. Not the custom action figure of her I was thinking about having made. Not a bevy of the graphic tees she loves from the web. Not the over the top home flower delivery (she loves tulips). Not the one of the many "other items" I was considering ...as far back as May. Last year.
And it's called taking an interest, thank you! My emotions are merely... misdirected... at the moment.
In any case I did that down in Little Five Points, the ATL's little bohemian corner, among the nick-nak shops and record stores then called it a day. And fell asleep again on the couch at 9pm. Thank god I hadn't put the steak in the oven.
On the plus side I did wake up and actually get out of bed at 6am! One day down...four years to go!
Barkeep, Wheat juice with a carrot chaser! and a shot of B12!
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