At least I got a good night's sleep

"What I want...is to go to sleep in the arms of someone who loves me. Is that too much to ask?"

In college, after a particularly painful ending of a situation I thought might become something more (and with my imagination the things I can dream up are boundless) I went to my apartment and didn't leave for two weeks. I lived off potatoes, ramen noodles and water. I didn't go to class for a month, ultimately blowing off the semester. I was at less than my best with that whole episode.

I'm trying not to repeat that situation here.

Last night Sporty and I went out and got Japanese at this little spot in Midtown. She called unexpectedly, I thought she'd left already but I can always make time for her. At the end of dinner as we sat there half looking at each and talking around things on a small patio with the sound of Peachtree street behind me, she told me she'd found that she was "going to get but what she hadn't already gotten." That's how she phrased it. Like she didn't want to say it either. We just looked at each other.

Why did she tell me this?

It was a quiet few more minutes at the table, as I tried my best to not a] ask her marry me right then, which was my first instinct (but like she needs more pressure) or b] collapse into weak man jelly (which is never attractive) or c] turn it into an explosion of pent up feelings which I'm fairly certain wasn't going to end well. My stomach tightened and I think most of the rest of whatever conversation occured with my eyes closed. A good bit of it was a blur.

When we fianlly got up to go I told her I was going home and going to bed. She said "yeah, my stomach hurts too."

In the parking lot we shared one of our little moments where I think we really are in sync, then I got in my car, drove home and got into bed. It was 8:20pm. I didn't get up except to go the bathroom. I didn't turn on any lights. I did a lot of thinking. A lot of praying.

This morning I made myself go to work. Two hours early. The longer I stayed in the house, the more likely I wasn't going to go. And if I didn't go the first day...I might not go back.

....and the band played on.

We chatted to today on the BBerry, which i purchased specifically for this purpose. We have these heartfelt conversations then whoosh, it's like we're 2 years ago and nothing's changed. I'm so confused. She knows how I feel about the whole thing. I still just want her to be happy.

I would be a schmuck.

When it's time to leave....running.

I went to a bachelor party the other night. I find that idea interesting, because NOBODY I KNOW is getting married. So I showed up late and tried to duck into the back. It's an odd habit of mine.

I don't really like adult "entertainment" that much. The idea of being viewed like a human ATM - they just have to figure which of my buttons to press to make the money come out - lost it's appeal years and years ago. I used to help hold down the wheel of a little shake joint and I guess after a while of four nights a week I kinda burnt out on the whole thing. So although I live in Atlanta which has more little spots like this than you would believe, I'm not a fan.

But I do know this. The kind of dancer who would choose a private party over a club is someone who would be, and I'm trying to put this delicately, would be a less than superstar contestant. A few points less than a ten, ya know. But the party is around the corner and I was bored, so what the hey.

And wouldn't you know it, I was right.

So I spend most of the function in the kitchen, away from the main event. It's a "New Skool" bachelor party, as there are women as well as men enjoying the "entertainment." The music is whatever plays next on the CD player and the living room which probably looks huge with five people in it was shoulder to shoulder to dancer. It's a typical low key affair that just chugs along as everybody has a good time. But as long as everybody has a good time, it's all gravy.

Now another interesting feature is that the host thoughtfully installed is a pole. Which is really interesting because none of the dancers can well, to a woman none of them is ...er, of the right size...to make best use of the item. It just kinda stands there. But pole was finally why I knew it was time to leave.

So as the function wound down, the entertainment is ...lounging...and somehow without me really paying attention the after party becomes Pole Dancing 101 - for beginners. A few of the dancers have to be "helped" into position before they're attempts at acrobatic tricks fail. It becomes a comedy moment. Then a few of the remaining female patrons decide to give it a try... but are no better. I think I just jingled my keys in pocket, an absent minded gesture that was perhaps fate's way of saying "and that's your cue."

So this GUY grabs the pole...yes, a man. He swings his body around and does a pole slide. Seriously.

The women laughed themselves into hysterics, the "entertainment" applauded and I found the exit so fast you would have thought I'd discovered teleportation. Not my kinda party. No sir. No siree Bob. I thanked the host, who in typical fashion was at the in-the-street talking about nothing for twenty to forty more minutes afterset that happens at every house party.

But that which as been seen cannot be unseen.

Barkeep...you got any eye bleach?

Quiet Moments

Sporty and I did lunch on Sunday at this little Indian place in Norcross. Moments like that are why I wonder who we are to each other. She was fresh from sport, but looked radiant. It was a place we'd been before, Himalayas Restaurant on Peachtree Industial, and the food was again great. Last time we went they had a large party, a group of 25 with multiple small kids running about in the small space, so it was good but not good. You know? This time it was low key Sunday Brunch kinda chill. They were a little mad we didn't get the lunch buffet though.

In a missive a week before I had declared who she was to me. The next week we're chatting on BB and it's just like old times.

I would be confused.

She got the Vindaloos and the waiter suggested the Balti for me, the naan as always was fantastic, the little onion part of the appetizer set it off just right and the food came quickly. We talked about ....well, we just shot the breeze. A little of this, a little of that. She asked about my family, we talked about vacations, she joked about me having to go to work the next day. Ha ha. I get her, but I don't. She was hungry as she cleaned her plate, and I swear the waiter was about to fight me if I didn't take my doggie bag. Friendly little spot I tells ya.

...and the band played on.

Later that night she texted me that she was going to get more Indian takeout for dinner. I let her know I'd just finished eating my leftover takeout. So it was like we had dinner together again. It felt like we were in sync again.

It was a quiet moment. And with her I like those.

Mondays...

I do not like Mondays. Which is interesting because I have no affinity for the weekend either, so I'm kinda up the creek on this one. I would say I "hate" Mondays, but that would imply emotional commitment to a specific allotted 24 hours, but it's not that serious. Let's just say I'm less than happy to see Monday roll around again. Again.

Last week was a mental/emotional roller coaster, as I got some legal things squared away that I thought might be an issue, I got some work done at the house, I found out that my A/C unit works - but needs to be "charged", and I started looking towards the future and this fall.

I discovered the A/C thing on Saturday..when after being home all day, the internal temp of the house got up to 92 degrees. Now I'm not a man to give in to the baser instincts of society's need for eternal comfort, damn the expense, but I figured that since I'd already showered twice and was about to sweat through my couch, the very least I should do was take the edge of the heat. That's when I made my heated discovery. The unit comes on...runs, the fan works...no cool.

At one point it's cooler outside than it is inside. So I know the insulation works. So I got that going for me.

I got a tree downed (one the city said I could cut down) and got another trimmed back, so now i can see the street light. My replacement little old man who does yard work is starting to get on my nerves. I have to explain to him that my salary will not support the both of us, so he'll need to dial it back. He's helpful and all, but it seems like everytime he needs a buck I'm the first place he stops. I miss my old original little old man who did yard work. He wasn't as much of a hustler as this character. But he won't be back for a minute...'

The future...well is the future. With luck...everything will change by the end of summer. Well, not quite everything. I'll still be black. But I'm starting my secondary education, looking for a new daytime gig that will let me concentrate on my new secondary education, looking for some sanity and peace since romantic things have gone awry (On the upside, I'm down at least 15 lbs behind that) and trying to recapture some of the hedonism that made my alter ego such a great guy to know.

But for now....it's Monday. Damn Monday.

Barkeep... let me get a Thursday with a slice of evening.

Obama: One down, one to go.

It's all over. Well almost.

One down, one to go.

Last night a major political party in the beacon of democracy for the world chose one of it's formerly downtrodden as it's candidate for what is still the most powerful office in the world. Said candidate will face off this fall in a battle that both aspirants have said will be civil and above board.

No, not the woman. The other one. The black man.

And in the face of a missed last second political half court heave, Hillary flipped open Karl Rove's playbook and sold her soul to a Republican. Whoops, I mean the devil. Reality Re-alignment. In her version it's only a real democratic process if she had won. My mother told me a long time ago that you don't change the rules in the middle of the game, that would be cheating. But that's all the Clinton campaign has been howling about doing since Super Tuesday. At first I was this doesn't matter, then I need it so put it back in (MI & FL). Then it was a matter of not counting these votes over these votes (caucuses vs. ballots). Now it's we should decide by popular vote, when she knew the delegate count would be what they went by when she started. The rules only started matter when it looked like she wasn't going to win.

Now, instead of bowing out with grace after being mathematically eliminated (true the Superdelegates can change their mind before the convention but what are the odds?) and asking how "we" can work together on this thing, she's loading up to cause enough issues to ensure the person that beat her doesn't win to general election.

Um...Unity?

I didn't watch her "And I'm telling you, I'm not going!" speech last night, but I understand she invoked messianic imagery, self serving democracy and the idea that without her some 18 million Democrats are somehow invisible. Sorry didn't see all of ya'll there. My mistake. Where did all you come from? One reporter invoked the imagery of people who looked angry enough to set small brushfires.

Er...unity?

The way Hillary sounds right now, she's more likely to end up as McCain's VP nom than she will Obama's. I'm not sure McCain is foolish enough to do something like that, but anything is possible. Right now she is raw naked ambition and she's willing to tear down the church if she doesn't get to lead the prayer at the dais.

What happened to the good of the party? What happened to the will of the people? What about the other 18 million who didn't vote for her? Apparently these only matter if the it's in her favor.

She has exposed herself as yet another candidate who promised to unite rather than divide, yet when it comes down to it, in a moment of character faithfulness and truth to oneself, shows that's it's not really about all of us...it's just about them.

And is that really presidential timber?

Barkeep, you got anything that will make all this go away?

Hillary Plays the Long Game

I've been staying out of the fray that is the looming presidential campaign lately from a blogging standpoint, as it proceeds to get less than pretty out there.

I've watched women screaming out about how unfair it is the Hillary is being treated the way she is. The fact that she can no longer mathematically catch her opponent, her continuing gaffes are turning her into a political liability, and her long "dubious" political track record would destroy her in a general election have no bearing. I have seen an aboriginal racism develop in a number of people that I think has even surprised themselves.

Why is Hillary still running?

The reasonings that everybody's vote counts and that sometimes the campaigns run long are transparent fabrications along the lines reality shaping of the current administration. The popular vote is moot, Gore won it in 2000 and see where it got him. The delegates are what counts, and Hillary's argument that every vote should count only makes sense when her supporters add up the numbers. Her questionable count that includes Michigan will again be contentious after June 3, especially if Obama hits the "magic number". But then Hillary is playing her own game now, and the endgame comes in 2012.

The fact is the Democrats will need to time to heal the internal divisions created by this fracas. By staying in the race longer, by pretending to not own up the actual reality Hillary and her campaign are creating fault lines for the Republicans to force open this fall. I'm certain that by the end of June or sooner she'll capitulate after a quiet conversation in a smoky room with a old and wise conversationalist, but by then it will be too late.

Her actions will have created enough of a rift for McCain to win in November.

Her followers, angry and much like the woman screaming outside the Reporters outside the Committee meeting on Saturday about how she'd vote for McCain before she'd vote for Obama (indicating a racism so perverse it would throw away the chance for change just to keep a black man out of office) are indicative of the response you thought you might only get in a parody on Saturday Night Live. But it's a reality. Had this ended in April or early May the idea of a black leader would have had time to marinate in the minds of Democrats. It would have become palatable. Doable.

Instead, if Hillary keeps her threat alive and keeps going to the convention the idea of the black candidate will be broken out of the gate. The Dems need to sell him not only to the undecideds but to Hillary's supporters as well as someone who shares a great deal of the same concepts. Even now Hillary knows she wouldn't win if she somehow steals the nomination at this hour, as the African American base will be disenfranchised. She's threatened until August but what she just needs to do is keep the game going long enough for McCain to eke out a victory.

In four years with the current policies, the dollar will be in the toilet, the military in shambles, our world reputation a joke and our debts eating away at our current paychecks and not those of our children. Into this world Hillary will appear as an American Joan of Arc. We'll carry her into office.

In March, someone hypothesized that Obama although leading the venerable senator from New York who just wouldn't go away after the Super Tuesday showings and losing eleven states should have for the good of the party stepped down and let Hillary have a go at it. The turn of statesmanship would tear the party, doom Hillary's chances and hand Obama the office in 2012.

I think somebody else just found that article and changed the name slots.

Barkeep. What do you drink when you figure out about the shenanigans?