One day, you start to add it all up. Where you've been, what you did, what you've left behind, what your plans are, and its fairly certain that when you finish with all the figuration and guesstimating, you're gonna realize that the number is a whole hell of a lot smaller than you could possibly have imagined. Therefore, I would suggest, if at all possible, putting that day off for as long as you can.
I have the Christmas blehs. Or maybe just the general blehs, and it's Christmas time. I'm not quite sure what the "blehs" are, because I just made the term up, but right now I have them.
Maybe life's little pressures have started to catch up with me, now that I find myself with a moment to breathe and nothing left to distract me. Maybe it's that as I calculate up my personal life scoreboard, I suddenly realize I'm gonna need one hell of a second half. Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's age, maybe it's the diet, maybe it's the lack of structure, maybe it's the feng shui of my kitchen.
Maybe its the inevitable changes in my life that comes with time and making decisions...or in some cases, non-decisions. Maybe it's an awareness of my mortality, a certain degree of loneliness, or maybe I just need to clean up the house. Maybe it's that when I imagine all the possibilities for my future, the bad ones are starting to out number the good ones. Maybe it's that I've gotten into bad habits I know are bad, and haven't found the will to make them better.
Maybe I've been in the same place too long. Maybe I need a change of ...something. Maybe it's that my dreams are too large. Maybe its that I'm frustrated with too many things to list. Maybe it's that those things that made it all bearable are too few and far between now. Maybe I'm on the wrong path, maybe I'm headed in the wrong direction, or maybe I just need a nap.
Maybe I need a drink.
Maybe I need a salad.
Maybe I need a brownie.
Maybe I need a hug.
Barkeep, maybe something different.
1 comment:
Hola Fellow Bleher,
Wow, I would like you to stay out of my brain. Stay out of my emotional ish because it's not cool! But on a serious note, my best friend and I were just talking about this earlier in the morning. I'm chalking it up to age and coming to realize that I'm not going to be one of those people who ultimately changes the world but more like your average Jane. I assume there's nothing wrong with that since so many people are there and they don't seem to be complaining but I guess coming to that realization is somewhat shitty.
Or maybe I'm just in one of those moods and when it stops snowing and I can go outside I'll have new perspective...one can always dream!
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