Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Thoughts I hadn't thought in a while

Mental Rehab Post #13
This one speaks for itself. Lucky number thirteen. I think I been thinking too much lately and so in thinking I started looking at moments I may have damaged my karma, and seeing what I did to put stuff like this behind me. Why this? Why me? People say I have that kinda face makes them want to say things, tell me things. Some say I'm a great listener. Almost makes me want to get punched in the mouth.

Let me say this...Self examination is a beast.

I've been searching my soul, my memories and history for clues as to why I am laconic, passive and less than aggressive when it comes to women. True, the original debacle left scars that I'm still putting metaphorical cocoa butter on today, but I've lived a long life, and I've been playing Joe Cool for a long time. So there had to be something else.

Recently I remembered one of those mental bombs I've glossed over, but still know is there.

It was college, and the fall was alive with the possibility of the future. And new freshmen. There is nothing quite like a cute little college freshmen girl out of her parents grasp for the first time and looking for a little low to moderate trouble to prove to herself she's really free. And as the walking personification of low to moderate trouble at that time, I was in my element. Without getting graphic: Good times, good times.

Back then was when I created pretty much the same setup I have enjoyed for many years after: a small female crew of regulars (3-4) that were willing to hang out and kept it lively. Your baseline group if you will. We for the most part shared the same major, they already hung out together and we were "cool guys" to hang out with. So again...good times, good times.

Out of this little original crew though, one soon fell off. So one afternoon I run into her and ask what's up. She'd been a lively girl and at the time, though I couldn't tell it then, she was different, although none of her girls had said anything. Okay, at the time I was interested in her as more than a "little buddy" but she was digging my running partner at the time. Or so I thought.

As we sat there, our conversation wobbly at best I could tell she had something on her mind. Even then I was as I am now, a hedonist at heart, but as it had been remarked even at a young age, my problem was that I "honestly gave a damn" and cared about people. I have that kinda vibe. So when she looked at me and told me that my running partner had raped her I

I'll never forget the look on her face when she said it. The flint in her eye. The tenor and tone of her voice.

It was one of those movie moments where the good guy realizes he's been working for the wrong side only this time the script wasn't going to end well. It's not something you can fix.

I didn't take the information well at the time, I mean, I tried to tell her she was mistaken. For those reading this let me advise that is probably not the way to go when someone tells you something like this. There a few moments of hysterics. We got past that. She explained what happened. It not only sounded sounded like our usual modis operandi. And I was getting an up close and personal of the other point of view when things didn't go good.

As I said before..I gave a damn. And so I was changed.

Under no circumstances did I ever want to be a guy that did that. Now don't get me wrong, I've done some things in my time, but I guess that unconscious memory has been why I gravitate towards blatant or aggressive women so there is little chance of error. I once met a girl for the first time on the couch in my living room who then invited herself to bed with me. As I said..little chance of error. And over the course of my life it's taken some of the initial aggressive out of me for fear of a "misunderstanding."

That said once we get past the preliminaries, and we're both SURE.... I'm as dominant and aggressive as that jerk you can't stand, only smoother and more fun about it. But I don't ever want to be that guy. Ever ever. To a nice guy, uncertainty is a motherfucker.

Barkeep. I think I need to buy a round for all the ladies.

1 comment:

Lina said...

Wow, thats...deep. I mean Im not even sure what to say about all of that, the rape part I mean. And I can totally understand not wanting a misunderstanding after hearing something like that.

FYI: There is absolutely nothing wrong with giving a damn. There should be more like you.