Saturday, August 23, 2008

A couple of errant thoughts

Mental Rehab Post #17
This one is kinda stream of consciousness talking half to myself and half to nobody in particular, and I'm hardest on myself. As we all know hindsight is 20/20, it's always what I should have done, what I should have said, what I meant to do. And it never changes. I've been looking for a long time and it hasn't yet.

I wonder how long will it be..

How long before my soul won't be able to recover from the many wounds I've inflicted upon it?
How long before my mind is unable to cope with stress of yet another unrequited love?
How long before my heart just stops...

I look into the mirror and see lonely. I see that special kind of lonely that happens in a crowded room, surrounded by attentive listeners. A lonely that comes when you reach out for a real connection and find nothing, only a collection of empty comments and commercialized dreams. It's tragic and funny, as the you die in a room full of people watching as you pretend not to go, as the whole world pretends it didn't happen because it would mess up their plans. Moment by moment all your hopes and dreams slip away and on the other side of then it will be as though you never existed, that it all has been a fever dream.

I want to cry, but nobody likes a sad clown. And it feels like nobody would care.

Will I be able to put it on again? To hide the me hoping for a real connection and become that character I created to get me through all those lonely hours. Will I be able to make it believable again? It was hard to play before and will be harder now that I've seen the alternative.

I argue with myself, as to why I've stayed silent, why I can't voice what I feel and lay my cards on the table like a grown up. I want to say I've taken the noble way, to spare anyone else ill feelings or disagreeable moments, but the reality it's the cowards turn in hopes that the emotional doomsday ending on the horizon will leave me with something to start over with. A shred of hope that I can imagine into something I can live with while I pretend my reality isn't going to be what it is.

And maybe God has something else for me. But I doubt it.

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