Vent Post #2
It's really just me yelling into the electronic darkness again because I'm not really looking for an answer, I'm just talking to myself until I'm tired of listening to me. There are no answers here...and in this case I don't think I'm even trying to find some. If I happen to step on a metaphorical toe, it might means your mental feet aren't where you thought they were.
Now this person we're going to marry, we're going to share with them our hopes and dreams, our fears and triumphs, our colds and upset stomachs. This person is going see us at our best and at our worst, we're going to eat and get drunk with them, go to church and sin with them, talk for hours about life, bullshit and things we still want to do. They're going to look out for us, we're going to look out for them and the whole nine.
In other words they'll have to be your friend. Your best friend.
And you'll fuck them too.
What this means is that most of us have to make a mental leap that we're not prepared for, - we'll have to combine friend and lover. And I know most of us aren't ready for it, because I've recently heard the idea of sleeping with your friend as THE "fatal mistake" and other thinking along those lines. But the truth of it is, because so many in the past 20 years or so mentally have separated the images of both the divorce rates have skyrocketed.
There are some other mitigating factors - economic changes, loss of the stigma of divorce, etc, but the basic concept that happens even before you get to that point, is that the people getting married tend to love each other...but don't actually like each other.
How can you love someone...but not like them?
Or rather...how can you sleep with someone and not like them?
A lot of men, and lately the women have joined in as well, think from below the waistline. They "fall" for the person that turns them on sexually. And overlook the bad qualities, the warning signs, the screaming facts that blare at them that this person, while cute and sexy (or handsome, etc), should be avoided at all costs. Or realistically, utilized as ONLY a quick ...er...quickie. Okay maybe twice, but that's it.
A young lady once described it to me as there are "men you like, men you love and men you lust after...and rarely if ever does a woman find them all in the same man." I didn't see the wisdom in that statement until recently.
But what happens in practice is that people try to work it out. Poor naive peoples. Although they share little beyond the bedroom, they attempt to make this "love" of sorts work because good sex makes the brain go sleepy time now. Marriage does not magically change who you are. But you try. You find out that you're a day person, they're a night person. You save, they spend. You believe in having a job, house, car...they hustle. You have an education, they have a hard time reading street signs like STOP and LANE ENDS. Lack of respect, humiliation, no support, disturbing habits, etc, but they're just oh so fine naked and oiled up...aren't they?
Which is good, or at least okay for a while. Until real bills and real problems show up. Or kids get involved. And then it gets messy. And ugly. And maybe you end up standing in a cornfield at three am holding a suitcase, a bag of chicken nuggets, a bible and small dog named "Chi Chi" wondering if that thing they do with their tongue really is worth all this. And you realize that maybe what you need is someone who understands you...like a friend. And whereas you can shape your sexual urges and desires to some extent, real life bends for no man or woman.
It would be great, heck even easier, if we could make the person we sleep with our friend. But since our mind wasn't on anything of substance when we chose that person (no, the idea that they're sexy doesn't count as substance) and as most women will only grudgingly admit, finding someone you actually like and making friends is a hell of lot harder than picking someone to get naked with. Turning Mr. or Ms. Hey-you-good-morning into someone you can have a substantive conversation with takes mega millions winner luck and an act of God. It is a real head knocker.
In the course of the relationship - this lifetime relationship - you'll be lovers, friends, business partners, roommates, confidantes...etc. Too many of us stop at the first item and think the rest...all of them ..will just fall into place.
So what is my suggestion?
Grow up, get your mind right, and tell your friend that you've got the baby oil, they need to bring the handcuffs. You might find somebody you can live with. Forever.
Think about it. Realistically they were on short time anyway, because things change once you find "the one".
Barkeep - What do you got for someone feeling philosophical?