The long road back

Ramblings Post #342
I toyed with the idea of putting some cryptic song lyrics here, but in reality I just was doing some other stuff. So I let this slide for a minute. Sorry. Well, not really. This is was always really more for me than for anything else and if my attention waned on a part of me I kinda always knew it would come back. And here it is.

I'm back,

Not that anyone missed me.

I've been working on a lot of personal projects as of late - wrote a book for NaNoWriMo about airship racing in an Alternate-1960s (and I am already tossing around the idea of sequel) while I was in the midst of writing another about a dimension hopping blues band. I got an actual job as opposed to contracting (well, I got an offer). I semi-restarted my epic diet of 2010 ( I write that with a bowl of ice cream on the desk by the keyboard). I signed up for some online classes for some stuff I'm interested in - time management, programming, some law.

I'm doing stuff. Yeah.

And I'm doing all this stuff because if I keep watching the news and seeing just how close we are to a twisted prologue of the movie Idiocracy, or worse, having to find some kids to serve as tribute, I don't know if I'm gonna make it. This is supposed to be America dammit, and the idea that the elected officials serve all Americans, NOT JUST THE ONES WHO VOTED FOR THEM, seems to have been lost somewhere. We live in interesting times. God help us all.

Maybe my memory isn't good, but under the last president I don't remember the country repeatedly stumbling from potential catastrophe to potential disaster on seemingly endless repeat. Or us purposely poking the hornets nests in the Middle East and North Korea because we swear we won't get stung. Or the government so blatantly ignoring the will of the people. And while I half expected the confederacy that we're seeing created before us since that morning I woke up and realized we'd elected an out of touch egocentric narcissistic as President, it's the rest of it that worries me the most.  It's all the change happening at the veritable speed of the internet (before deregulation) with no concern for casualty or consequence beyond a zealot's personal gratification that gives me pause.

A lot has been going on. A lot of it grey matter being treated as Vantablack or pure white. We've entered an age of no compromise and no forgiveness or rehabilitation. We're all suddenly absolutists in a world created by the sum of our parts, experiences, faults and fears

Except me. I'm just a guy. And I'm sitting over here judging you all. And fairly soon I'm gonna start talking about you too.

And I'm not that damn happy either.

Barkeep. Some of that Boone's. Yes, I am aware that it is $100 a bottle at this point. But sometimes it bees like that.

What I learned in 2014

It is my opinion that we should all start change on our own schedule, not the one imposed upon us by random chance or the roll of the dice. Some things we can't control, and there will be some hard moments. But those things we can control, those we need to take a firm grasp upon and bend to our will. When I went back to school at the age when some of my contemporaries were trying to figure out how to send their progeny for the first time, I started a process of change. It's hasn't been a bed of roses, but now on the far side the daylight looks brighter than the sunshine I left behind.

Last year I begged you to go do something, so let me tell you what I did. I went out and
passed the Georgia bar. I started a book. (Okay, another book... seriously, I'm gonna finish one of these I swear. ) Went to a restaurant I read about. Upgraded some gear. Turned on the step counter on my phone. Saw someone I care a lot about that hadn't seen in a few years and had a good meal. I did a few things. Some small, some large. But it's not enough. Or rather, just doing a few things and stopping isn't enough. Small victories count to, and add up. It's about the accomplishment. Getting in the habit.

This year, like last, I ask you do something. Even if it feels unrelated to your ultimate goal. This is the
getting ready, the getting your mind right part of the success equation. Getting used to doing things. So do something. Read a book by a new author. Read a classic book. Cook something you've never tried. Take an spin class. Take a dance class. Go to a community meeting. Visit a museum. Eat only veggies for a week. Start saving for your dream trip. Start a workout program. Try a new style. Mix it up. Because far too often we get stuck in our comfort zone, not realizing that there is an even more comfortable spot just over the horizon. Don't just have a life, go live your life.

Remember what I said last year "It won't be easy. Change never is. And what you choose might not even be worth it. But it will be something, and if you start with something, then getting your thing just becomes a matter of redirecting your focus."

What did I learn in 2014?

All of reality is interpretation, just because it's your interpretation doesn't make it the definitive truth.

A job is great, but a job is not just a job.

I am in a desperate tortured love affair with sugar, and we need to break up.

Just because it's what I want doesn't mean that it's the best possible option.

Natural light can change your attitude about the world.

It need not be perfect, just take the shot and see what happens.

Conversations with myself need to be longer or shorter. The current length is unacceptable.

Comfort food doesn't take away the problem. Except bacon. This does not apply to bacon.

Try not to be just a supporting character in the story of your own life. 

Hanging on by the skin of your teeth is still hanging on.

Wisdom comes from experience, not age. Try to listen to people who've been where you are.

The things I treasure in life - love and affection - can't be earned.

Nothing motivates like ending up doing something you've got no business doing.

Family is family. Always respect that.

Use the stuff you were saving for a special occasion. Make the occasion, don't wait for it.

Life would be so much simpler if we all knew each others definition of love.

Notes for a Young Black Man from an Older Black Man

Ramblings Post #267
I've been gone for a minute, now I'm back with the jump-off. I've been working on some projects, looking at some options and trying to find a gig, but this here just hadn't been it for a moment. I just need to get my feet back on the ground and get moving. But as I was working to get my mind right, doing some reading, this came to me so I wrote it down. This is the expanded version, I put it up somewhere else first, but it needed polish. 

There is a saying, that one should take the thing that they love to do, and figure out how to make money at it, and thus they will never have to work a day in their life. And it's true, however, to make the adage work one has to broaden one's horizons and realize that there is more to life than music and basketball. This is not to say that talent in those areas will not beget success but talent will only take you so far, popularity is fleeting and knees eventually give out. Our immediate history is littered with many talented rappers who found no success, and legendary schoolyard basketball players who have to arrange the early shift at the factory so that they can play when the sun is out. A wise person does not make the MOST difficult path their only path.

What I am saying is that the world is bigger. There are lots doctors, accountants, pharmacists and others whose personal and professional lives are contain all those things the media parades in front of us as the trappings of success, only not so grandiose. But we have a tendency to have our eye only on the top pedestal and soothe our soul by calling it "focus." I think all young black men, really all young men, should step outside their comfort zone and experience something different, if only to get perspective, but mostly because we've straight jacketed ourselves into narrow definitions of blackness, manhood, and expectation. I suggest this because despite what people tell you, much of our success lies in prepared for the opportunities when the arise, and what we're doing now isn't preparing us for much.

Read. Travel. Explore. Do those things not considered "black" in the colloquial sense and you may find out that you are more than just black.

Now, as an older black man, my hobbies are reading, writing, PC computer games, Console video games, some sports (as I said I'm older, but I'm also out of shape) and good conversation. I've been meaning to take up golf and cycling, but I'm not in that spot right now. Some of it is not exactly what you'd expect. But why those? And how do they help me achieve success, both professional and personal?

Well read people tend to appear knowledgeable, which is usually viewed as favorable. Plus regular reading broadens your knowledge base if you browse several subjects. I enjoy history, politics, news and investigative journalism, satire, and good fiction. Things outside the section of the bookstore people might normally expect someone of African descent to inquire about. Yes, read the Autobiography of Malcolm X, but also read something else. Anything else. Harry Potter if you must, but something else. And when I'm not reading novels I read Vanity Fair, the Atlantic, Slate, and a host of other titles online and in print to keep my mind tuned. A five minute article here. A brief blurb there. Frequent reading helps comprehension in all aspects of life and helps you to recognize and understand situations faster than lesser read counterparts, as you've seen them before. Most of work is the solving of problems, whether it be an oil change or figuring out construction project schedules. And most people when they need help turn to people they think of as knowledgeable.

People who write regularly have a tendency to gain skill at it. And writing becomes valuable in professional communication, such as applying for jobs or writing emails. A professional looking email between colleagues makes people wonder how much more you really know. It can help in evaluating the wording in contracts you might have to sign and other agreements. Because you will have this familiarity you know when something reads wrong, which may help you avoid future issues.

PC computer gaming usually isn't "twitch based" how fast can you press a button, but most times require thinking, planning and strategy. Consider it exercise for the brain, just like pushups and sprints are exercises for the other muscles. And while creating a virtual airplane empire or building imaginary pizzas may seem silly on the surface, the training can translate into real world application where planning and strategy become second nature. This rudimentary development of critical thinking skills can assist with the practical improvement and advancement, both personal and professional.

Console games. Well, I just like console games. But, the use of the games, especially in this modern age helps develop social skills. Okay, not really, but something had to go there. Currently I use them as ways not to waste money. I can spend $20 on a used game from Gamestop and it will fill a month of evenings I might otherwise be out wasting money I don't have on drinks and expensive food. It's a small investment with a pretty good return. I'm even thinking about renewing my Playstation Plus membership.

And good conversation. When I say good conversation, I don't mean the gossip of the day, which can be fun and informative. No, instead I mean politics, beliefs, world views. If you're well read, in areas outside those that are expected of you, you can develop better relationships. Which lead to more opportunity. Consider this, you have what you think is a good opportunity, but you're unsure, so whom do you have evaluate it? Someone whom you consider knowledgeable. Which leads you back to my first point, being well read. And if you broaden your circle of conversation, you get more opportunity.

Plain and simple, taking those things we know how to do and expounding on them, means learning to more things. Things Black...and not Black. We make a big deal about being black and proud, or staying "real." But the truth is while we are Black men, we are more than just Black, and all the stereotypes that go with it. And while these tools I use seem simple and crude, there is a method to the madness, in that they are flexible and prepare the mind for the broad. Starting here doesn't mean you'll finish here. Reading mentally takes you places and lets you peek in on new experiences. Writing lets you express yourself. Strategy is always valuable. It's not the tools, its how they're used.

My suggestion to the young black man is be black. And then be more than just black.

Once more, we dance...

Photo from boxing360.com

This is a picture you don't see often. It's the Greatest, the one and only Muhammad Ali after he'd been knocked down. It's the the last ten seconds of the fourth round of a fight against Henry Cooper. It was a fight that he claimed he would win in five. At the point this photograph was taken, things did not look especially good for him.

History will note that Ali did win that fight in the fifth round.

Ding.

That was MY bell.

Sometimes you win, and sometimes you get your a......

Ramblings Post #266
It is my opinion that every child should play a team sport. Soccer, baseball, field hockey, something. So that they can learn teamwork. And how to take instruction.  And that even if you're very good, you still need the rest of the team to participate. And learning to play your specific role in the overall success of the group. And how to lose. And how losing is not the end of the world, and you have to get ready for the next play/batter/volley/game no matter what. Might make the whole world a little bit better place. I'm just saying. 

Graphic from Reddit...

Americans who don't follow soccer might have some trouble grasping the magnitude of the loss Brazil suffered at the hands of Germany yesterday. So let me put it in perspective.

Remember this year's Superbowl? Where all-world quarterback Peyton Manning of the heavily favored Broncos flubbed the snap on the first play of the game and it resulted in a safety? Yes?  Think of that, only imagine they gave fourteen points for safeties. And that Manning repeated that same fumble the next four or five times the Broncos got the ball. Each one resulting in a fourteen point safety. Kinda like that.

It's not really that Germany beat Brazil, it was how they did it. These were supposed to be evenly matched teams squaring off in a duel of strategy. But it turned into a squad of pros versus a city league team in the blink of an eye. The Gas House Gorillas. Ugly doesn't begin to cover it. 

I didn't see most of the game, been very busy, tuned right before halftime and thought the counter was
broken. Then checked ESPN just to make sure and clicked it right back off. Caught the highlights around midnight. The score reminded me of my childhood, where they city league makes the mistake of putting five or six big kids on the same team. I remember that because they did that when I was playing....and lord, as one of those 'big kids' we should have exercised a little sportsmanship. Should have. Like what what the Germans did, a just kind of run the clock out strategy for the second half. Something you really don't see too often at the top level.

I hope that somebody took the Brazilian team out for Pizza and Root Beer afterwards. Or at least milkshakes. I'm just saying.

Barkeep, although I really shouldn't could I get a french vanilla milkshake? Yes, whipped cream.

There was NOT supposed to be a round three....

It was supposed to be a first round knockout.

But you missed a punch somewhere, and the bell rang and they were still standing. You knew when it
happened, you could feel it, the absence of pressure in your arm from failing to connect, the glove connection missing, but you'd pressed on because this is what you'd trained for. You were supposed to get that little sensation again and again, over and over to let you know you were on the right track. But you knew you'd missed and hoped for the best, pressed on because one punch isn't supposed to count. But sometimes it does. So you put that behind you, and started the again.

The bell ending the second round caught you by surprise.

That round you'd felt more confident, the punches flowing from your arm as natural as breathing, the  power of muscles crackling along your sinews. It was supposed to be over now. You knew this stuff or at least thought you did. The punches had landed you were certain. You whole body tensed as you let each one go, uncoiling with power and follow through. Brain cells fired, muscle, motion, speed, contact. You could sense the idea of victory with each passing second.

Now, suddenly,  you can taste blood in your mouth that you hadn't before. You realize the punches you thought you had ducked must have landed, caught the corner, nicked you, stunned you. And maybe you didn't even realize it. Maybe you'd gone down and hadn't felt it. Why hadn't the jabs worked? The left and the right must have been too slow. You take a second to run your tongue along your teeth and confirm that they're all still there and not loose. The buzz in your ear, the crowd, sounds different, as if they've lost faith in one they once imagined could be a contender. There is a sudden stabbing pain in your ribs as the adrenaline you've been living off fades into nothing, and all you've got left is the burning need of your success and the fortitude to keep going. 

This round wasn't supposed to be here.

No matter.

You keep punching. You will win. 

Odd Quotes

There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented a glass that is exactly half full, say: this glass is half full. And then there are those who say: this glass is half empty. The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
~ Terry Pratchett, The Truth. 

Odd Quotes

Intimacy is not entirely physical. In fact, it can have no physical interaction at all. For an intimate relationship to take place, allow someone into your thoughts. Let them hold and caress your feelings. Let them be intimate with your mind. Allow for the emotional intimacy to be the reason for passion to be bred. Now that is intimacy that is long lasting.
~ Somewhere on the Internet...

Odd Quotes

Went out for a walk and found myself.

Find meaning. Distinguish melancholy from sadness. Go out for a walk. It doesn’t have to be a romantic walk in the park, spring at its most spectacular moment, flowers and smells and outstanding poetical imagery smoothly transferring you into another world. It doesn’t have to be a walk during which you’ll have multiple life epiphanies and discover meanings no other brain ever managed to encounter. Do not be afraid of spending quality time by yourself. Find meaning or don’t find meaning but “steal” some time and give it freely and exclusively to your own self. Opt for privacy and solitude. That doesn’t make you antisocial or cause you to reject the rest of the world. But you need to breathe. And you need to be.
~ Albert Camus

And Now...We Wait.

Ramblings Post #228
Goals are bad, milestones are good. I've said this before and I'm saying it again, because I woke up Thursday morning a little confused as my purpose. I'd spent so much of the last thirty days getting ready for the big event, it took me a few minutes to realize that it was over and I needed to move on to what was next. As soon as I remembered exactly what that was...

Just Chilling.

Ah law school, the memories. One of the defining things about Law School, to me, was that wait to get grades. Sometimes as long as a month, the time allowed a prof to soak in the subtle nuances of your writing and understand what you were getting at, even if you failed to remember the exact terminology.  That it also meant the concept of passing or failing hung heavy over Christmas Break whilst you tried to yuletide your Holiday season was an inconvenience. That it also meant that grades came out after add/drop was merely an added bonus headache.

Alas, I have graduated, have the framed degree on my wall and that was to be no more!

Unless you count the Bar Exam.

My second passing through the gates into the dark rapids went a little smoother than the last. Although I'm sure I got at least two wrong that I had right, because I went back and changed the answer, I still feel better about this one. This time the writing was right up my alley and the questions didn't feel forced.

Now comes the hard part. The waiting. Months of feeling confident and alive only to one distant afternoon you'll have to find out if all your efforts have been worth it. And in my case, again. But you can't focus on it, like you can't worry about the questions you suddenly realize the answer to as you walk into the parking lot afterwards. That happens to every law student inevitably. No, you got to do what everyone does..."pretend you passed and keep it moving." I'm taking a minute to decompress, to do some house work...then I need to find a paying job. Maybe even get this law career going. Hopefully a judge somewhere needs a clerk. I need somewhere to be obsessive. I think better when I get to be obsessive a little bit each day. 

Barkeep! Ah, there you are. Bourbon with a splash of branch water on the rocks.

Well that was... unpleasant...

Ramblings Post #226
You roll the dice. You take the leap. You pull the trigger. You open your mouth and start talking. You take the first step. You realize that nothing is certain and you go anyway. Then, and only then....
whatever happens, happens. And for the record, most of the time its not like it happens in the movies.

I took the Georgia bar. I did not pass the Georgia bar.

That about says it all. I have no real explanation. Yet. But the madness that was is now about to repeat itself. Reading and re-reading black letter law, practicing MBE questions until my mind hits that subject determination action automatically, again. This time more essay practice and...because I swear I didn't do it but I'm not sure... swearing by and adhering to my answer formation rules.

Since the news has gone out I have received a continued vote of confidence from the folks, who
remind me I've gone to far down the path to turn back now. A good talking to from my brother, some of it good and some of it bad. And a few well placed "don't worry about it" acts from a small circle of friends. Very small circle of friends.

Why? This is embarrassing. And thanks to those who care for consoling me, but for the record, I don't really give a damn who I know that took it two or elevensixteen times to pass, I am me and they are them. This is well within the margin of my current ability. For me not have accomplished this gives rise to self doubt, a luxury I can ill afford at this juncture in my life. There are enough material issues in my life that cause me to rethink myself, and now to have a more substantive issue arise? I had trouble sleeping waiting for the results, and I'm having more trouble sleeping now. 

Not passing puts a the next part of my life on hold. Would just passing answer all my problems? No, of course not. But it would open up some opportunities in the legal field - some even income related - that are only opened to individuals who have passed. After all, student loans will be due soon. I'd like to drive a car that isn't held together by dust. New furniture maybe? If my house gets robbed again, I"m not sure I can afford repairs and stuff replacement. Income doesn't solve all problems, but for these minor matters, it does have a tendency to help somewhat.

Failure isn't what it used to be. When I was younger, twenties and early thirties, failing was shrugged off easily, put aside as an aberration. Even when the terms of my failure were epic, there was still a social distraction around the corner. Age colors things. There is now a palpable weight, a rising urgency to succeed. This is the first thing law related that I did not overcome. It hangs over me. For the time being however, I will compartmentalize. Focus.

As far as how to handle this in the sense of retaking it? I know what I have to do, and what its going to take to get it done. A larger degree of determination, a great deal more diligence and more attention paid to the nuances. And since I was prepared to start studying the same night I learned this information, I think I've got that down. Well, maybe I do, and maybe I don't. Just to be clear, it was the classic just a "few points miss", not a "re-examine your life"or a"why did you even go to law school" fail, okay? But that means I can't slack off because of overconfidence. Better, not just again.

Barkeep. Time for your summer vacation. I have things to do.

Well that was special

Ramblings Post #214
Once I was young, handsome, in shape, and ready to take on the world. My plan is to get back to all of that real, real soon. Which means I need to get started on my time machine, because I'm getting up there. And maybe learn some plastic surgery, 'cause male model I ain't. And get directions to the gym, because I know what to do, I just don't actually do it. But world, I'm still coming for you.  

One of the problems of having GOALS instead of creating MILESTONES is that once you've reached that thing you've been working towards you find yourself flailing trying to find new purpose. Or eating ice cream sandwiches. But with a plan that has milestones, when you've conquered one part, the next beckons. It maintains the purposeful nature of your actions. Not that I went to the gym this morning like I was supposed to...but I did have a proper breakfast that included fruit.

Small steps.

Well the Georgia Bar was...an experience. There were a couple of curve balls, but we muddled through. Well, most of us did. Well, nobody just started crying and ran from the room. Well, nobody I saw. Although there was a moment that I blanked. So, I leaned my head back, took a deep breath and took it from a different angle : meaning I turned to the last questions and started working backwards until my synapses started firing again. I got through it, and it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. But it was worse in some respects. I dunno.

Everyone seems to think I did fine. I am taking a line of cautious pragmatism.

Hey barkeep, I'm back. So, to start me off, how about something nice. With an umbrella in it. Hmm? 

Zero Hour fast approaches...

Notes from the Law Desert - Part 5 
"And where is Donald Duck? Donald Duck is at the crossroads with a machine gun." That's a line from The Dirty Dozen, a classic war movie - about careful planning and what might happen along the way. That this moment calls to mind that film, and in the final chapter most of them don't make it... ugh.

I have rewritten my notes from the first time I took the class. Done the question drills, watched the videos, used the flash cards my dad got me, and read the outline, the mini-outline and the other outline. And the sample answers for the essays I couldn't hope to duplicate given the time constraints. And now, this is it.

The bar exam.

The first day is six essays - the writing part. Two long, four short. Two three hour sessions, so you better have figured out time management! The second day is the working through law questions part - and the convoluted mental hurdles we should able to clear to understand why ... lets say answer B might be right, but why answer A would be an even better choice.

Sounds like fun, don't it?

One last brush up on the essays tonight...then 6am roll out.... lock and load, we're going for bear! 

Notes from the Law Desert - Part 4

Notes from the Law Desert - Part 4
When you join one of the historically black fraternal organizations, the process is called "Crossing the Burning Sands." It's supposed to mean this journey represents your commitment. Getting ready for the Bar is like that...only for law.

Diet is toast. Not meaning I'm eating toast, I mean I've ditched it for a minute. I deserve those brownies, and that bowl of cereal. And that fried chicken. And those french fries. And that hoagie.  And that slice of pizza. I got my first loaf of Sunbeam bread in two years. Ate it all in three days. Hotdogs on white bread!

And now, back to the bar prep questions. More and more bar prep questions.

Notes from the Law Desert - Part 3

Notes from the Law Desert - Part 3
When you join one of the historically black fraternal organizations, the process is called "Crossing the Burning Sands." It's supposed to mean this journey represents your commitment. Getting ready for the Bar is like that...only for law.

For some reason, while mentally making  legal arguments in my head to memorize a point of law, I suddenly got the idea for an movie about gun control. Before I realized it I was in my kitchen fleshing out scenes and characters.

Um...wait, shouldn't I be doing something else? Oh, right. Bar exam.

Man, I need a drink I can't have. So I sketched it out so I'd stop thinking about it, saved it somewhere..and moved on.

Notes from the Law Desert - Part 2

Notes from the Law Desert - Part 2
When you join one of the historically black fraternal organizations, the process is called "Crossing the Burning Sands." It's supposed to mean this journey represents your commitment. Getting ready for the Bar is like that...only for law.

I'm about to have to start forcing myself to go to sleep at a reasonable hour. I mean like 10 pm or something, maybe even 9:30 pm.. This staying up and reading one more thing is getting chronic. I need to stop it. My body clock is off right now. Time for a reset.

And man I want a bowl of cereal, like so bad. But it's not on the diet. I'm gonna get some cereal. No. Maybe. If I do okay on this practice test. Wait, I'm not a dog, why am I rewarding myself with food? If I'm aware of that...does it make it okay?

Notes from the Law Desert - Part 1

Notes from the Law Desert - Part 1
When you join one of the historically black fraternal organizations, the process is called "Crossing the Burning Sands." It's supposed to mean this journey represents your commitment. Getting ready for the Bar is like that...only for law.

Screenshot from the PSN game Journey.

The other night, just as I was drifting off to sleep, after reading through my notes for the Nth time, I suddenly remembered that I hadn't fed the dogs. In like a while. I felt bad. So I got up out of bed and started stumbling to the kitchen.

Wait.

I don't own a dog.

At this rate by test time, I'll be stumbling out to milk the cows. 

Crossing the Law Desert

Ramblings Post #213
There isn't anything slick or witty here. My brain isn't cooperating right now. It's got other things it's working on. And I'm a little tired. I'm worried about peaking too soon - learning stuff I'll forget later, AND worried about not getting enough info into my head in time. Now this is a balancing act.

Reading.

That's what I've been doing. Other than the occasional drink out - Spanky got a new second job bartending and I went to support - and the occasional video game at the end of the day my life has boiled down to wake up, eat, and study. And sleep and repeat.

Oh the excitement.

Sporty has started sending me nice watches, so I'll have the proper accessories to go with my suits once I start practicing.

Right now I try to do one non-law thing a day, because next month there will probably be no non-law related things a day for a while. Ramp up, get at it.

The end of February approaches. I ready my armor. 

I've been gone for a minute

Ramblings Post #193
Life isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. I try to keep that in mind when things go awry and the carefully laid plans I've made take a odd turn and I end up on a road that isn't even on the map. A dirt road. A one lane dirt road. Though the middle of nowhere. In a driving rain. A one lane dirt road in a driving rain in the middle of the night through the middle of nowhere. It's not like it means I won't end up at my chosen destination eventually, it's that I'm getting delayed. But at my age, delays take on a new significance. 

Despite my best efforts, I will not be taking the bar exam next month. I've run into some issues that I've almost gotten straightened out, but have caused a delay to my personal timetable. And since they only offer the bar twice a year, and the next time is next year, this is now a significant issue. Yes, It bothers me quite a bit that my schedule has been interrupted, but it's not the end of the world. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself. I try to tell myself it will allow me more time to perpare, to get my mind right, as well as a chance to fill in that space at the top of my new resume with work experience in the legal field.  I remember that there are people I walked across the stage with for whom this was the original plan. That this new situation is okay.

The reality is that I have taken a major hit to my self image, and a lot of the things I've been sifting through to get to the other side of my current circumstance keep re-opening the cracks I had so very carefully filled in with hot smoky bits of character and personal fortitude.  And despite assurances from all the peripheral parties, it really is rough on this stretch of road.

The mantra used to be fake it until you make it. Well, I hadn't quite made it when I finally pulled up stakes at the chicken plucking factory, but I was in a fairly comfortable position. Faking it. And taking stock, I am woefully far from where I had hoped to be, even a scant three years ago, much less in the long plan. But then, looking back, walking out on that gig may have been the best move instead waiting around until I found myself in a "who took my cheese" situation, so the plan was going to change anyway. And calls back to see how folks are doing haven't painted the prettiest picture. I got used to that. It was easy. Stall until you know it. 

Now I'm in a brand new game, where faking it isn't even an option. Where your word really is your bond. Where the things you do actually have consequences outside of the idea of a minor interruption or slight inconvenience that existed back at el prollo plucko. In some fields of law, fortunes and lives hang in the balance when you pick up pen or a phone. It is very, very real. In this new situation, my new situation, you either make it or die.

I am going to make it.

But it's not going to be movie montage fast. Nor will it be smooth as I had hoped. Not that I expected it be smooth, but I didn't expect... this. You see, a lot of the plans I've had for my life have ended up petering across the finish line, but then that really makes me no different than most people. This was time it  was supposed to be different. I thought I had done everything right, gotten the assurances I needed, checked and double checked for loose ends. But here we are again. Again. This time at the end of the beginning of the new forever.

The last five years have been less than stellar.  Economy. School. House. Work. Relationships.  But my grandfather once told me that no matter how bad the storm gets, you have to keep moving.

Keep moving. 

I like to think it's a life lesson. I'm going to take it as a life lesson. I'm going to make it a life lesson. I'm going to fill in that part of resume where legal experience should go. I'm going to make it all come together. I will thrive. Because I will.

Barkeep. You know what I want.

Things I meant to comment on...(Life Edition)

Ramblings Post #192
It's been a minute since I popped on here to update the world as to goings on of a prematurely graying, probably could still stand to lose a few more pounds, trying to get his plan together, middle aged African American male in the southern part of the United States. At one point in my history,  this update would have been an exciting tale of intrigue and seduction. Well, maybe not an exciting tale. And not much seduction either, much to my personal disappointment. And intriguing is contextual. So maybe this is just a couple of words on a digital page in a digital bottle out in the middle of a virtual ocean. That scream into the virtual darkness.

School

It would appear that after all this hard work and dedication, there are no more classes I need to qualify for a degree of Juris Doctor. It would appear, kinds souls, that I be done.

The new question is:  What have I done?

Not like it's over though. There is a foot and half tall stack of books in the corner with the words "bar prep material" written all over it. And I keep getting stories of it either being exhausting or mind-numbing. That's it, there is no positive or uplifting version of that story. It’s a matter of semantics : it will hurt bad or you will be badly hurt.  And you still might not pass.

So I got that going for me.

Family

My folks were in town for graduation. It was great seeing the folks, as I haven't ridden down to the old homestead in a minute.  See my elder relatives. Gets me a chili dog from the old spot and chill for minute. And hope my stuff is here when I get back.

House

In an odd stroke of luck, the police called last week to kindly inform me that they've figured out who broke into my house and are issuing an arrest warrant. Which is amazing, considering the success rate for cracking burglary cases is somewhere around 10% or less. Not that I expect to get my stuff back or anything silly like that. Okay, I like to believe that maybe he kept the TV. It was a nice TV. I would like the TV back.

Other than that I bought a book shelf (Ikea) and nice comfy chair to get my stuff organized and ready to start studying for the bar. 

For the past week I've been getting slaughtered regularly in Dwarf Fortress and putting games on the Playstation, but not actually playing them. I have number of games I've purchased over the years, off the bargain rack at GameStop or the used game rack at wherever, that I've never loaded up because I didn't have time to learn a new button pressing  scheme. 

But then bar prep starts soon. So I'm still not gonna have time to learn a new button pressing scheme.  Still, loading them up and seeing the start screens that one day I'll play gives me hope for the future. Okay, not really, but it's something to do.

My Cell Phone

My cell phone is broken. Well, not really broken, as it does makes calls..and texts, and pushes email. And lets me play the little word game on it. And the Google map is useful, it gives traffic updates! But the camera is broken, in that it has slid down in the housing and now half of all the pictures are black. Which is occasionally inconvenient. So I trundled over to the AT&T store to get a new one, because I have the insurance. I won't get the phone without the insurance. I've purchased two phones outright, because I didn't have the insurance, and they were expensive! So, I always get the insurance.

Only now, phone insurance has a deductible. Wait, what? My last phone had no deductible, what's this now? So the guy looks it up, and lo and behold guess what? The deductible is the same price as getting a new phone and starting a new plan.  Son of a...

I didn't take that many damn pictures no way.

Next

So what's Next? Like a lot of folks (due the economy), here I am halfway through the game hitting reset. I realize that there are no rules to life, there was no specific way that this was supposed to be done, but this makes me starting adding up the score in my head. And maybe I'm thinking of it in less than rosy terms because the things and events I had filled the space of my life with (life's little distractions) are gone because I stripped them all away in my effort to get to here. And now that I'm here, well, here is looking a) kinda empty and b) like like I'm in for a lot more work.

Maybe its that I've spent too many hours at my house alone staring at the walls, scared to go out because I might like it, then have to get unused to it quickly once this bar prep starts. Maybe its that I miss people, because the headcount in my house is one, and it doesn't look like its gonna increase anytime soon. I didn't realize how much I needed chicken plucking to keep me sane, and the people I worked with, as opposed to school and long bouts of studying alone, which may have started loosening the bolts on my psyche.  I may have to become a *gasp* coffee shop guy just to get some interaction. Or eat lunch out all the time.  Or something.

Barkeep. Let's extend your vacation. Because it feels like they outlawed hazing everywhere but law school.