Thursday, May 30, 2013

Well that was... unpleasant...

Ramblings Post #226
You roll the dice. You take the leap. You pull the trigger. You open your mouth and start talking. You take the first step. You realize that nothing is certain and you go anyway. Then, and only then....

whatever happens, happens. And for the record, most of the time its not like it happens in the movies.

I took the Georgia bar. I did not pass the Georgia bar.

That about says it all. I have no real explanation. Yet. But the madness that was is now about to repeat itself. Reading and re-reading black letter law, practicing MBE questions until my mind hits that subject determination action automatically, again. This time more essay practice and...because I swear I didn't do it but I'm not sure... swearing by and adhering to my answer formation rules.

Since the news has gone out I have received a continued vote of confidence from the folks, who
remind me I've gone to far down the path to turn back now. A good talking to from my brother, some of it good and some of it bad. And a few well placed "don't worry about it" acts from a small circle of friends. Very small circle of friends.

Why? This is embarrassing. And thanks to those who care for consoling me, but for the record, I don't really give a damn who I know that took it two or elevensixteen times to pass, I am me and they are them. This is well within the margin of my current ability. For me not have accomplished this gives rise to self doubt, a luxury I can ill afford at this juncture in my life. There are enough material issues in my life that cause me to rethink myself, and now to have a more substantive issue arise? I had trouble sleeping waiting for the results, and I'm having more trouble sleeping now. 

Not passing puts a the next part of my life on hold. Would just passing answer all my problems? No, of course not. But it would open up some opportunities in the legal field - some even income related - that are only opened to individuals who have passed. After all, student loans will be due soon. I'd like to drive a car that isn't held together by dust. New furniture maybe? If my house gets robbed again, I"m not sure I can afford repairs and stuff replacement. Income doesn't solve all problems, but for these minor matters, it does have a tendency to help somewhat.

Failure isn't what it used to be. When I was younger, twenties and early thirties, failing was shrugged off easily, put aside as an aberration. Even when the terms of my failure were epic, there was still a social distraction around the corner. Age colors things. There is now a palpable weight, a rising urgency to succeed. This is the first thing law related that I did not overcome. It hangs over me. For the time being however, I will compartmentalize. Focus.

As far as how to handle this in the sense of retaking it? I know what I have to do, and what its going to take to get it done. A larger degree of determination, a great deal more diligence and more attention paid to the nuances. And since I was prepared to start studying the same night I learned this information, I think I've got that down. Well, maybe I do, and maybe I don't. Just to be clear, it was the classic just a "few points miss", not a "re-examine your life"or a"why did you even go to law school" fail, okay? But that means I can't slack off because of overconfidence. Better, not just again.

Barkeep. Time for your summer vacation. I have things to do.

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