So I got robbed

Vent post #4
This was less traumatic than I thought it would be, but more of a expected that I guess was inevitable. This is real life. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. And real life isn't always pretty.

So sometime between yesterday and today, I got my virginity taken. No, not that virginity, I lost that two or three weeks ago. My other virginity. No, not that one either. Dirty minded sons of... My home burglary virginity.

Broken window. Alarm destroyed. Missing stuff.

They just finished getting my internet back up and running and I'm waiting on the window and the alarm guy now. Then maybe I'll eat something. Has it been that long?

For the record, you don't realize the difference until you actually go back to the CRT monitor. It's really rather noticeable.

Barkeep...they didn't take the Whiskey? Yeah!

A couple of errant thoughts

Mental Rehab Post #17
This one is kinda stream of consciousness talking half to myself and half to nobody in particular, and I'm hardest on myself. As we all know hindsight is 20/20, it's always what I should have done, what I should have said, what I meant to do. And it never changes. I've been looking for a long time and it hasn't yet.

I wonder how long will it be..

How long before my soul won't be able to recover from the many wounds I've inflicted upon it?
How long before my mind is unable to cope with stress of yet another unrequited love?
How long before my heart just stops...

I look into the mirror and see lonely. I see that special kind of lonely that happens in a crowded room, surrounded by attentive listeners. A lonely that comes when you reach out for a real connection and find nothing, only a collection of empty comments and commercialized dreams. It's tragic and funny, as the you die in a room full of people watching as you pretend not to go, as the whole world pretends it didn't happen because it would mess up their plans. Moment by moment all your hopes and dreams slip away and on the other side of then it will be as though you never existed, that it all has been a fever dream.

I want to cry, but nobody likes a sad clown. And it feels like nobody would care.

Will I be able to put it on again? To hide the me hoping for a real connection and become that character I created to get me through all those lonely hours. Will I be able to make it believable again? It was hard to play before and will be harder now that I've seen the alternative.

I argue with myself, as to why I've stayed silent, why I can't voice what I feel and lay my cards on the table like a grown up. I want to say I've taken the noble way, to spare anyone else ill feelings or disagreeable moments, but the reality it's the cowards turn in hopes that the emotional doomsday ending on the horizon will leave me with something to start over with. A shred of hope that I can imagine into something I can live with while I pretend my reality isn't going to be what it is.

And maybe God has something else for me. But I doubt it.

Ah, Law School

Mental Rehab Post #16
In clearing out who I am and what I is gonna be, sometimes it's best you concentrate on other things. Sometimes their mundane...like this post... other times it's stuff that affects lives and property and makes you wonder just how long you got. I mean really, sometimes you sweat the small stuff. Other times you let go. But you always got to think about it.

The first problem with law school is gonna be that everybody is gonna need a nickname.

The new schedule is kicking my ass. Point blank.

I'm supposed to rise at 6am, to get it rolling and out the door by 7am to be in by 8 which means I can breeze out at 5pm and get to class on time. After class I'm "supposed" to hit the library to debrief, then hit the gym and do my miles and some weights then head to the house and (special note) make sure I'm packed to leave BEFORE i turn in around 11 or 11:30.

Three days a week, I'm a warrior.

Did you know getting up at 6am is a lost art?


When I used to do the park I was up at 6am like a shot, out of bed and in the car by 6:15-6:20 to be there on time and rolling. The other morning I saw 5:59am...and promptly went back to sleep. Was it this hard when I started walking? Last night I went to sleep at ...let's see, roughly 9:30pm? Slept on the couch with the XM Jazz station playing in the background till 2am, then got up and went to bed.

AND I STILL COULDN'T GET MY LAZY ASS UP TILL 8 AM!!.

I mean really. What is going on here? I moved the alarm clock (I had figured how to hit snooze in my sleep if it's too close) and supposedly when I get vertical I can get moving. Supposedly. Hasn't worked yet.

Maybe a month from now I'll be happy to report I'm getting up at 5:30am and going to the gym first.

That kids, was a joke.

Barkeep. I need a mango-blueberry smoothie with a shot of B12.

A Weekend Out - Fifth Stage

Mental Rehab Post #15
Sometimes just the act of writing something down fixes it in my mind, or makes me realize the absurdity of it, or just makes it better. Then I started law school. I'm now a little afraid of what the process will do to my mildly absurd but interesting and creative mind. Personally and professionally. I'm well aware of lawyers continuing on with the degree and never practicing, but I get the impression I'm gonna have to sign on somewhere to seal this deal at the end. And I ain't too sure.

Yeah, it's Wednesday, but I'm busy.

Friday night was supposed to be a home night. Getting my stuff ready, warming up the new laptop (which is ultra primo cool by the way) and getting my mind right for graduate level education. Then Serve (the girl with no nickname from Old School Saturday.) called about that house party. Which house party? The "Flashing Lights" house party. Oh that house party.

So she scooped me up like 10 minutes later and we rode over. I really wasn't in the mood to kick it, but she and I hadn't hung out in like forever. The party was, and you can quote me on this, phat as hell. The drinks was flowing, they had all three levels jumping, and the food was still abundant. I drank, I ate, I danced to the old school music, I hoped my boy didn't take his clothes off like the old days (long story)...it was nice.

Now I didn't know the host. I'm fairly certain I didn't. I might. He came over, gave me the pound and that half man hug and thanked me for coming, I told him it was a fabulous set. I've thrown a lot of parties, maybe I do know him. Maybe he was just being nice.

Point of fact there is always one uber fine girl at the party. Always one. At this party there were two, dressed like the girls in music videos. The kinda fine that makes you stop in conversation and get that mean mug look on your face like "Damn!" Okay there were three if you count the bartender, who maybe really did know me. I think. A lot of parties, people.

The other really cool feature of this party is that I didn't know every other person. There was a whole new set of folks to meet. Which if you hung out as much as I do...did... is a true rarity. The phrase "the same old crowd, the same old faces" is not a joke in my circle. I've shown up places and knew half the crowd from just being out. Seriously.

Saturday was busy day. I woke up late. Decided not to get my desk until I figured out exactly how much it will cost to fix my window (damn kids. I hope). Went and finally got the books. Yay! Went to brunch with Schmoopy who is having her own issues with family. We talked about a lot of things, somehow getting around to her sex life which was a) a little creepy at first, b) kinda sexy in the end and c) kinda funny all the way through.

I run some errands then get home and my yard man has finished cleaning out that last back corner and made a nasty discovery. No, not gonna say what. It just makes figuring out a fence that much more a priority.

Saturday night I flipped through the books. I half assed studied. No, let me correct that...I quarter assed studied. I found every reason NOT to open them damn books.

Sunday I eighth ass studied in the morning and then watched football and got some more yard work done. I did all my online registrations for all the new services I paid for with school and finally started on the homework which my professor said should take about a half hour.

So three hours later I realize that this might have taken him a half hour, but his is my first time through this puppy and since law school is pretty much a self taught exercise..didn't know that did you... I'm a horrible educator. I'm giving myself horrible reviews.

(By the time I write this it has come to my attention that I hate the new style educational tool of email, as the University gave me a email box I don't check yet and in which the professor has "changed the assignment" so I've been busting my hump for nothing. But that so late in the week I don't know if weekend recap would cover it)

Barkeep...two shots of time with a discipline back.

It just keeps coming and coming and .....

Mental Rehab Post #14
Life is the thing that happens while you're making plans, or so they say. I'm really wishing there was a pause button somewhere so I could stop and take stock of everything that's changed in past 6 months. A whole lot going on, a lot of it outside of my control. It's really testing my 5% theory of unpredictability. Cheesy commentary aside, sometimes it's about feeling you at least had a say in what happens to you.

I got a lot on my mind lately. Dredging up that memory from college was eye opening to say the least, and my realization how it has affected me was a revelation. Not to say that realizing why I do some of the things I do will make me not do them, but it will make think about my actions more. Introspection shouldn't be a bad experience, unless you've forgotten more about who you are than you know now. I think I forgot a lot on purpose.

But things are in flux. Almost too many.

"Storm" by il nastro di mobius

School - It's amazing how much and how little the school experience has changed. Everything is electronic and yet it's as though we're all still doing it on paper. The ease of doing everything online is stymied by the concept of systems failing to update, antiquated back systems and the stress of trying to do all of it part time. But my books did come in.

Work - It's as though I work with unbalanced circus monkeys afflicted with ADD. And it's not going to get better.

House - The pleasure of ownership is still currently only JUST outweighing the problems of having. There as so many little things that still need to be done, and when you get one thing done the next looms so large. My house still feels like it's temporary, like I'm only staying there until my real life starts. It's a feeling I have about my life as well.

My New Social Situation - Hello oblivion. Be there in a minute. Everyone I know says that law school is all consuming. That's just great. Peachy. Wooooo. Can't wait. Bassids.

My Folks - The people who were adults when I was kid are...getting old. My dad always jokes that considering "it is better than the alternative." And I'm getting concerned.

Bills - I would be an American not named Gates, Buffett or Kennedy. I have bills.

Football - Dammit Jessica, the Cowboys need get to Tampa this season. I know it's all love and belt buckles with you and Tony but we don't need them distractions in the NFC east. This is where Champions are born. That and I so want to go see the old stadium just one time and the new stadium when it's done.

Sporty - Still dreaming about her. Still thinking about her. Still love her. And I always will.

My Health - There are some things that hurt that probably shouldn't. And I need to get back in the gym something terrible

My Friends - much like my family, my friends are changing growing and well, getting on with life. Some are having real problems which make mine esoteric by comparison. And I think about them all the time. Friends are the family you get to pick.

The Future - With so many things in flux, so many changes, so many plans that right now I feel like I'm not me, like I'm living my life for other people, not doing the things I want to do. It is not a pleasant feeling. I like shaving. And since so much fell apart in the past few months..it's like a spilled my drink on that piece of paper with the secret of life.


Six months ago I had a plan. I had a dream. I had at least a pathway. And now I'm just kinda going through the motions to get to wherever the next step is. True, Law School probably isn't the easiest step, and not really my first, second or even fifteenth choice of career...but I then what I do now wasn't even on the list. But like I'm drafting for my Superbowl team, it's the best available option right now. I'd hoped to have a little side project off the ground before I started, but things are in such flux. Still I'm going to need make some changes...fundamental changes... so that I have at least the illusion of the semblance of control.

Barkeep. A little bit of a dream...mix in some being too.

Thoughts I hadn't thought in a while

Mental Rehab Post #13
This one speaks for itself. Lucky number thirteen. I think I been thinking too much lately and so in thinking I started looking at moments I may have damaged my karma, and seeing what I did to put stuff like this behind me. Why this? Why me? People say I have that kinda face makes them want to say things, tell me things. Some say I'm a great listener. Almost makes me want to get punched in the mouth.

Let me say this...Self examination is a beast.

I've been searching my soul, my memories and history for clues as to why I am laconic, passive and less than aggressive when it comes to women. True, the original debacle left scars that I'm still putting metaphorical cocoa butter on today, but I've lived a long life, and I've been playing Joe Cool for a long time. So there had to be something else.

Recently I remembered one of those mental bombs I've glossed over, but still know is there.

It was college, and the fall was alive with the possibility of the future. And new freshmen. There is nothing quite like a cute little college freshmen girl out of her parents grasp for the first time and looking for a little low to moderate trouble to prove to herself she's really free. And as the walking personification of low to moderate trouble at that time, I was in my element. Without getting graphic: Good times, good times.

Back then was when I created pretty much the same setup I have enjoyed for many years after: a small female crew of regulars (3-4) that were willing to hang out and kept it lively. Your baseline group if you will. We for the most part shared the same major, they already hung out together and we were "cool guys" to hang out with. So again...good times, good times.

Out of this little original crew though, one soon fell off. So one afternoon I run into her and ask what's up. She'd been a lively girl and at the time, though I couldn't tell it then, she was different, although none of her girls had said anything. Okay, at the time I was interested in her as more than a "little buddy" but she was digging my running partner at the time. Or so I thought.

As we sat there, our conversation wobbly at best I could tell she had something on her mind. Even then I was as I am now, a hedonist at heart, but as it had been remarked even at a young age, my problem was that I "honestly gave a damn" and cared about people. I have that kinda vibe. So when she looked at me and told me that my running partner had raped her I was...um...er...

I'll never forget the look on her face when she said it. The flint in her eye. The tenor and tone of her voice.

It was one of those movie moments where the good guy realizes he's been working for the wrong side only this time the script wasn't going to end well. It's not something you can fix.

I didn't take the information well at the time, I mean, I tried to tell her she was mistaken. For those reading this let me advise that is probably not the way to go when someone tells you something like this. There a few moments of hysterics. We got past that. She explained what happened. It not only sounded plausible...it sounded like our usual modis operandi. And I was getting an up close and personal of the other point of view when things didn't go good.

As I said before..I gave a damn. And so I was changed.

Under no circumstances did I ever want to be a guy that did that. Now don't get me wrong, I've done some things in my time, but I guess that unconscious memory has been why I gravitate towards blatant or aggressive women so there is little chance of error. I once met a girl for the first time on the couch in my living room who then invited herself to bed with me. As I said..little chance of error. And over the course of my life it's taken some of the initial aggressive out of me for fear of a "misunderstanding."

That said once we get past the preliminaries, and we're both SURE.... I'm as dominant and aggressive as that jerk you can't stand, only smoother and more fun about it. But I don't ever want to be that guy. Ever ever. To a nice guy, uncertainty is a motherfucker.

Barkeep. I think I need to buy a round for all the ladies.