Monday, October 11, 2010

At the Center of All

Ramblings Post #142
This must be what a mid-life crisis is on the cheap. No purchases of exotic cars, or pneumatic girls in the twenties, just enough neuroses to make Woody Allen say "Man, you've got problems!" Well, at least I got my health. Ooh, what was that twinge?

Shade called last weekend. She had no issues. She was very happy to report that.

Shade had developed a bad habit of only calling when something was wrong, so fresh from her vacation, she called to let me know that nothing was wrong. Nope, her interview at a dream job just happened, just bought the new Coupe, new man acting right, she was all good. It was a nice change of pace from the coaching her though whatever man/life problem she was currently "suffering" through during previous calls. I just knew once she found a guy who lived in the code? area code? Oh, wait, in the same state! ... she'd settle down. And since her new beau now is talking rings, it's sounding kinda serious.

Funny, I don't think Scoop is gonna take that one too well.

In any case, since we didn't have her issues to to talk about, we talked about mine. But since her issues are usually concrete - do this, feel this, come to a conclusion and embrace it - and my issues are a lot more esoteric, it wasn't a long conversation. She had no answers. Not one. My current issue is dealing with who I am to become.

At my last weigh in, I had lost 47 pounds. I'd slimmed down, gut was on it's last legs, sucking in my stomach actually resulted in something akin to a six pack, face looked thinner and it suddenly occurred to me I wasn't the same person. Now I just might be becoming "the Star". Let me explain.

In the story of our lives, we should each be "the Star". Although the star doesn't have to be in every shot, dominate every scene, they are the reason the story continues. This is where self confidence is bred. In my own life, I've usually considered myself more as ...comedy relief. Or at best, Daffy Duck to someone else's Bugs Bunny. It's an odd concept, where you keep putting others first, but its who I am in a large part. Although I've been like that for as long as I can remember, a great deal of that kind of thinking lately I attributed to my weight. By lately, I mean the last two decades or so. By the way, it's a great cop-out for why things aren't going your way.

Now the weight is going away. So ...who is left?

Think about it like this: My knee hurts, and the doctor said that as you lose weight, fat the formerly stabilized the tendon is diminishing, so my knee has to adjust. Well, to some degree a great deal of fat used to stabilize a number of my own social shortcomings[ex: Women like aggressive, I'm not aggressive, I was fat...I didn't have to be]. Now that the fat is going, I'll have to adjust other things. Mental things. And what if the weight wasn't the actual reason for a number of personal social inadequacies? Then what?

As I told Shade, the consideration of such a life change when I started this process was not an element of the planning. I'd lose a few pounds, get some new clothes, poof, done. I joked I would suddenly be sexy, and all that, but it all looks a little different somehow at this point. One of my great skills is adaptability, which I am good at in small doses, but this is a fundamental shift. Its one thing to talk "big shit" from the bench - where I mentally had placed myself, but now it looks like I might get in the game. And what if it turns out, I should have stayed on the bench? Considering all the other things in flux in my life, now is not the optimal time for ethereal truths to come to light.

Or what if get to where I'm going, and it's just the same as where I was? Questions like I shouldn't have sprung on someone fresh from vacay. I should call her and apologize.

Life is funny. I hope.

Barkeep. What I really want is a Vanilla shake with Caramel and Chocolate sauce, but I'll take a Crystal Light Green Tea.

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