Sunday, August 1, 2010

Clearing something up

Relapse Post #7
Occasionally we have misunderstandings. You said this and meant this, they heard that and assumed something else entirely. Which is how I assume Lindsay Lohan stays famous. Tangent. Forget that. But in the end, we all need to step back occasionally and ask questions then give slow, measured responses, the fully explain the how's and the why's in measured even tones. They will then of course, assume that we think they must be slow. I also think this is why bars stay in business.

After editing my last post, then admitting it, my girl Sporty is now concerned that I'm censoring myself for her benefit, and that I'm not being true to myself. Me having an outlet for myself is very important to her.

My God that is suddenly an amazing thought.

You see, there is a difference, at least to me, between censoring myself and being intellectually and emotionally honest by editing.

What I did here was editing. Let me explain.

I wanted to say, to those readers interested ( which by my estimation is probably three people ) that I'm scared of the day Sporty will, well, what I'm going to call "the beginning of her journey out of my life". I call it that because I realize two things here. One, that in a way much like when she gets into sports, she focuses. I realize now she went to great lengths to hang out with me during that long spring of 2008, but I'm an observant cuss and even when it was us chillin', it was still them. Her commitment to something like this is, just like my ole buddy Spanky, is simply a beautiful thing. One does not hinder ... *sigh* He is coming. At least I figure he is. I would like to be him, but let's just say those are long odds. He's gonna get the focus. So there's that. And two, I would have to go.

I just realized I'm going to have to explain #2. That's a little later.

Now, what I wrote that eventually ended upon the cutting room floor, because I realized it was something I didn't need, was an overly dramatic retelling of something I'd already written about on this very blog. And in my humble opinion, a fresh memory is usually better than a revisionist version, the guts of which incidentally was shaping up to include phrases along the lines of "sound of the end of the world", "dreams burning into nothing" and "ache in my tortured soul"...and other ridiculous phrases specifically designed to be seen by Sporty.

Stuck for a word, I read back through it and realized I only wrote it like that because I was trying to elicit a certain response, not because it was accurate. It read like I was trying to get back at her for something that wasn't her fault, a situation long past. She knows I was hurt, so why more? What I was doing was taking my dramatic license and driving all up on the curb, trying to clip somebody. I tried to create a mental picture of feeling hurt and suddenly I had the story in the middle of a horror movie happening in a disaster film. It wasn't true, even worse I was writing for reasons that confused me. I love her, why was trying to do this?

So I edited it. I pared it down to the what it was: a very emotionally painful day, so i could talk about the next day like it this in the future. Like the opening words of "Since I lost my baby", the birds were still singing, the sun was still shining... but I was hurt in that moment, but I'm willing to stand there until the next time it happens because, ...well love doesn't always have to give logical reasons, now does it? That's what I wanted to say.

The bare essence: I had a very bad day. And one day I'm gonna have another. And it hurts already.

And then instead of just editing it and moving on...I wrote about editing it, because that's being true to this blog. In the end I think I got a better post, a more honest post, without turning on the sad music and the drama machine.

It's not like she did it on purpose then, and its not like it will be on purpose in the future. It will simply happen. Life goes on, and these things happen. And I will not love her one bit less.

But then I'll have to go. Because me hanging around, still in love with her, would be creepy. And a little stalker-ish. And delusional. Add a couple of other words that just suggest uncomfortable to round that out. And in the interest of his peace of mind, and their eventual continued happiness, it would be just be better if I wandered off into the sunset. No need for the drama when one person can just move on. And I still would not love her one bit less.

Eventually, I'll learn to cope. It won't go away, I'll just be... able to deal with it.

I was confusing then, as it is confusing now, why the words even came out.

Um...I just realized the link to Luther is kinda the sad music. Well, at least I didn't turn on a drama machine.

Right now, I just hopes she keeps reading. It just feels right. My plan for the uncut funk as it were was just my way of ensuring I was sticking to her expectation of uncensored thought. Perhaps I didn't explain that right before.

The plan - No censorship. She keeps reading. World keeps spinning. Life gets better.

Barkeep. No...I am not so giddy or so sad that I'm going to buy a round for the house, are you crazy?

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