Thursday, May 1, 2008
This a letter that I wrote to Sporty that is never gonna get sent. Every time we talk she sounds happy about the move, excited even, and so I don't want to dampen her enthusiasm, or even make her feel like her leaving is a issue. I told her I didn't want her to go when she first said it, but then her determination (read: hard head) is what makes her lovable. But this has become my little vent wall. So here it is:
I've spent the last four years terrified that if I said the wrong thing, made the wrong move, that you would walk away and never speak to me again. I had no idea why you'd taken the initiative, no idea why you might be interested in spending anytime with me, and so I did the best I could to give you what I thought were good reasons to hang around. But it wasn't enough. Now as you said, I didn't do anything wrong...but the moment I've dreaded most is going to happen anyway.
Everyday it seems I wake up with the execution date of my soul one day closer...and I put on my emotional makeup and pretend that everything is fine. Because as much as I want you stay here in Atlanta ...to love you...to share your life, I want more for you to be happy and successful in whatever it is you want to do. I just wish your plans would have included me.
But it's seems that is not to be.
And so I scream into the dark battling the nightmares now and the lonely that will come with your departure. Those nights out we laughed and talked gave me the patience to make through days filled with headaches and endless revolving deadlines, and I don't know if I can take the stress without you. We clicked on a level that left me warm and fuzzy and soon that will be no more. I wish I could have been more of whatever it is you feel that you needed.
And I dread that I'm going to stand alone in the space that once held an us, and that only I will miss our time together. My head aches when I think of it, my legs go numb when we talk of it and my mood darkens as the realization that my own personal living dreamtime will soon be coming to end.
And yet, it is your happiness that concerns me the most. Even in the face of what I know will be depression, my concern is that you are happy. That you succeed. You could tell something was troubling me and told me to put in God's hands. But I kept my troubles and asked him to take care of you. And so quietly, I'll sacrifice my hopes, my dreams, my plans in hopes that you are able to see yours through. And maybe I'm wrong, but that's what I do when I love someone.
love you...and I always will,