Ramblings Post #183
There are some words that when spoken chill the soul to the core. Although they aren't your basic "I didn't tell you I was allergic to nuts?", the sometimes funny "I need a spot to stay for a while" or the classic"Oh No!", they tend to invoke a specialized, personal kind of terror. Words such as "we need to talk" which never seems to bode well for the listener. Another is the oft repeated "I have something I need to tell you," the neon precursor to bad news that makes the wise suddenly start crawling through their memories for a warning sign they might have missed. Oh, it were only so simple.
I have a personal cringe inducing phrase comes from its repeated use, usually as code for world of issues that very shortly will weigh on my mind. It's use is supposed to be be disarming, and I know they're trying to put my mind at ease but those words carve a pit into my stomach. It's now almost a reflex action.
It's two words : I'm okay.
This is usually how Sporty will start off a sentence to tell me she's having problems. I got a short message last week that started with that. What kind of problems this time I'm not sure, because she's been keeping her cards close to her vest lately, which may mean the other shoe is about to drop. Well, not so much as drop as come down on my throat. Metaphorically speaking. But then I have a penchant for imagining the worst.
After all, its been four years since she packed and headed west, so the idea that the degree of emotional intimacy we once wouldn't have changed is at best a fallacy. There had been a point in our relationship where she'd give me her itinerary out of habit, explaining answers to questions I hadn't even asked. Well, most questions. I didn't ask much, I trusted her. Anyway, that trust she put in me felt good. That we will be that kind of close again still is something I hope for, but in either case the underlying feelings that got us there haven't faded. At least not for me.
Before my mind wanders too far down the hypothetical dark trail and into the land of fantastical hysteria, I'm going to start believing its just a natural state of depression that strikes us all from time to time. We have up and down days. For a young woman, she's been through a lot. And although she's on the upswing (overall), there is are still a lot of issues she's handling. And sometimes, when you wake up and the sky is gray, the outfit you meant to wear you forgot to wash, traffic is bad and it seems that everything is coming at you all at once, you get depressed. And then, the world turns just a touch... someone tells a funny joke, your song comes on the radio, that sandwich your made is just right ...and you're back.
Which means by the time I post this, this feeling will be in her rear view mirror and I can stop imagining dragons.
Yeah, I'm gonna run with that.
Barkeep, I think you know what I need.