Ramblings Post #82
All things considered, I rather be Detroit. Which considering the state of Detroit is a pretty bad thing to say. Life is as it always was, fraught with uncertainty and shaded with doubt. Sometimes I wish the world really did come with a rewind button. Or a least a pause.
I'm about to go back to all classical music. I'm currently trying music "of the world"...something upbeat but due to my lack of languages I don't quite understand the words. It has a certain soothing to it that makes me think of running away from it all.
I believe I have let my imagination run wild again.
Okay, I've spent to last two or three months perhaps deluding myself that that Sporty and I just might end up together. And if you aren't aware, I've got a very vivid imagination. Like Avatar detail vivid. Occasionally Hustler vivid. In HD with surround sound vivid. Just because we talk all the time lately and I send bits of encouragement, job listings she might have missed in Atlanta and in Texas and other "helpful" bits of help. And because I don't ask direct questions where my emotions are involved - really old bad habit - I'm going to end up the lonely old man at the end of the street whose house has a thousand books in it and an old photo in a frame of love that only existed in a dream.
I suddenly don't really see the point of going to law school.
Which is kinda fucked up when you consider how far in the hole I've put myself to get here. What did that mean you might ask? Well, I've never really worked with myself in mind for the future, I need, for lack of a better term, a muse. She was that. (Even when she moved to Texas to marry the other guy...no, this makes absolutely no sense...I know, deal with it.)
I'm a fairly simple guy. I like what I like. And I like Sporty. A lot. She is cute, funny, emotionally strong, intellectually curious in real life and in my mind I have envisioned her....well, that's what got me in the mental mess in the first place, so strike that. But the ethos is "know thyself and to thine own self be true"...and I know that as long as know her, which is looking like a long long time, I'm not really gonna be interested in anyone else.
Which is kinda even more messed up, when you consider I'm such a nice guy, I don't have it in me to just use somebody. So I'm kinda stuck.
I'm getting too old for this shit.
Barkeep. Whatever. It won't matter. Just make sure it's cold.