Sunday, July 6, 2008

Someplace I haven't been in a while

I'm on the edge of real depression here. Once in college after a parting of company, I holed up in my apartment for two weeks and didn't go to class for a month. I spent most of the time sleeping and wondering why fate had done me so wrong. I can safely say that was bad semester.

Somebody once remarked that I wallow in my pain, instead of just letting it go. I say to them that if you can let it go that easy, then you really didn't feel anything when you did have it. Real emotion begets real pain. Sometimes physical. She made me feel shooting pains once.

Currently I haven't been able to look myself in the eye since Tuesday. Which has made shaving kinda hard, so I just went ahead and shaved it clean.

The last time I haven't had a mustache or a beard since I was able to get a mustache or a beard was the object of a drunken bet I made while living in New Jersey in 1992. I still remember getting up and finding out my two roommates had dutifully shaved as we'd agreed, much to my chagrin, and then the reaction, a single scream directed at me that came when when the girls arrived. That was the last time I didn't have hair on my face. There is a funny story there, but I'll have to tell it later. So shaving the face bald is kinda big.

I haven't been able to look myself in the eye because I'm ashamed that it came to this. That I let her..note, my underlying belief that I has some control here...that I let her get away. That there was no movie moment that changed everything. That I may not be all I think I am. Damn Hollywood. I think that's kinda big.

I haven't really been out, haven't seen anyone, haven't done anything. I visited my brother two days in a row (that rarely happens), and he noticed something was "listless" about me, but then we don't really talk about things like this. I put it down to job dissatisfaction and other upcoming changes. When I talked to Shade on the phone she said she noticed I wasn't myself either.

I'm going to need more makeup.

I'm having to remember to eat. Sometimes I've gone as late at 4pm before it strikes me that I haven't eaten, simply because I'm not hungry. Today I'm gorging myself on cereal, then a steak, and then something else. Or I was supposed to, because it's almost evening and I still haven't eaten. I went to the store and everything.

It's also amazing how often marriage imagery and romance dominates the modern television storytelling as well. I find myself switching off commercials, flipping away from shows I've watched all because they're not helping. It evens seeps into your normal action movie. Damn Hollywood.

Last night I had a dream about Sporty. She, I, and I guess him were on a couch all watching television. I don't remember the show, but we were all focused. I wanted to leave but my hand was trapped under her thigh. Then the show ended and they got up, but I was still there. I'm fairly certain it couldn't mean anything, other than my subconscious needs some heavy medication.

I can feel my emotions rippling like exercised muscles.

If people with what I imagine to be real emotional issues feel like this all the time (I'm hoping this is just temporary, really I don't want to join your club) then I understand medication. Cause this sucks. Like for real.

So I'm not looking at myself. Not eating. Listless. We're not even going to discuss my lack of interest in sex...or porn. Feeling worthless, maybe a little used. On the verge of emotional collapse.

And since I'm starting Law School in a month (Yay me!), have I job that I cannot stand whose circumstances are about to change, a new venture I wanted to start before that but now I'm getting lambasted over and feel that in the midpoint of my life I haven't accomplished that one thing that I really wanted to accomplish....

...oh yeah, good times.

Barkeep...Golden Grain. Dirty Glass. No ice.

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