"What I want...is to go to sleep in the arms of someone who loves me. Is that too much to ask?"
In college, after a particularly painful ending of a situation I thought might become something more (and with my imagination the things I can dream up are boundless) I went to my apartment and didn't leave for two weeks. I lived off potatoes, ramen noodles and water. I didn't go to class for a month, ultimately blowing off the semester. I was at less than my best with that whole episode.
I'm trying not to repeat that situation here.
Last night Sporty and I went out and got Japanese at this little spot in Midtown. She called unexpectedly, I thought she'd left already but I can always make time for her. At the end of dinner as we sat there half looking at each and talking around things on a small patio with the sound of Peachtree street behind me, she told me she'd found that she was "going to get but what she hadn't already gotten." That's how she phrased it. Like she didn't want to say it either. We just looked at each other.
Why did she tell me this?
It was a quiet few more minutes at the table, as I tried my best to not a] ask her marry me right then, which was my first instinct (but like she needs more pressure) or b] collapse into weak man jelly (which is never attractive) or c] turn it into an explosion of pent up feelings which I'm fairly certain wasn't going to end well. My stomach tightened and I think most of the rest of whatever conversation occured with my eyes closed. A good bit of it was a blur.
When we fianlly got up to go I told her I was going home and going to bed. She said "yeah, my stomach hurts too."
In the parking lot we shared one of our little moments where I think we really are in sync, then I got in my car, drove home and got into bed. It was 8:20pm. I didn't get up except to go the bathroom. I didn't turn on any lights. I did a lot of thinking. A lot of praying.
This morning I made myself go to work. Two hours early. The longer I stayed in the house, the more likely I wasn't going to go. And if I didn't go the first day...I might not go back.
....and the band played on.
We chatted to today on the BBerry, which i purchased specifically for this purpose. We have these heartfelt conversations then whoosh, it's like we're 2 years ago and nothing's changed. I'm so confused. She knows how I feel about the whole thing. I still just want her to be happy.
I would be a schmuck.