Tuesday, August 23, 2011

So that's what happens....

Ramblings Post #155
There is only one thing constant: change. Rarely if ever are the we same person who awoke this morning as the person we take to bed that night. Life, sometimes in sudden swoops and sometimes incrementally, has a way of changing us, of making us other people. It's why sometimes people who haven't seen us in a while don't really know us anymore. We're changing. All the time. Scary, isn't it.

I been gone for a minute, but I feel the need to yell into the darkness.

I have pressed the shiny red button. It's ova.

I am no longer a chicken plucker. It's been a long strange trip but now it's onto the next phase. That spring of 2003 the job was supposed to be a way station to the next big thing, but after a while I just got used to it. It became routine and I let myself get mired in the client's issues, which in many cases were amplified by third parties really only interested in themselves. I got used to Sporty being there, having the ability to hang out with friends, to occasionally splurge on something for myself. I wish I could say now that I'm leaving I have to dial it back, but its been dialed back for a while. A lot of what this position initially gave me, I haven't had for a while. So now, in the middle of an economic downturn, I walk out the door? Buying low they call it.

My stomach is unsettled.

For the first time in a almost a decade, I'm not sure how I'm going to get to the next. Before now, there was always a next check, knowing that if I went in and did what I had to do, that money WOULD come. When it reality they could have eased me out the door at any time, for any reason and in hot skippy minute I could be scrambling for something. It's eerie to think I had convinced myself that that place was "my spot" when I never really knew for sure. At least the way I'm leaving, it's on my own terms. Still, "pushing away from the table" is mental struggle.

My stomach is unsettled.

This whole period is bad for my diet, as for the past two weeks while things have been working themselves out - the money, the classes, the job, my life - I've been over indulging like its going out of style: fried chicken, copious amounts of red meat, too much bread, not enough fruit. I've been sugared up and salted down. But I'm too tired of thinking about what comes next to take the time to make something healthy. But I'm going to have to tighten that back up as soon as I can. The sugar and salt are now just fleeting joy in the sun.

My stomach is unsettled.

There was time a long time ago when I lived off temp jobs and hook-ups, and what I'm about to do was the norm. But that was a long time ago, and like a pro athlete trying to regain his step, this is going to take a minute. I want to say that there is no fear...but I'd be lying. They say god watches out for drunks and babies...and I stopped drinking like that years ago. Let's hope I can get a toddler exemption.

My stomach is unsettled.

Someone once described my approach to life as metaphorically comparing me to a glacier. Slow, steady, but always moving forward, almost inevitable. I've thought of it more in term of a freight train. Slow to start, but once its rolling it is incredibly hard to stop. This experience right here, is more like an ejector seat. I was just doing this one thing...then bam! I'm 500 hundred feet up and rising.

My stomach is unsettled.

I'm in it for the full time this last year of law school. Now, I did jimmy it - five classes, three final exams, one paper so it's not completely ridiculous. And since the paper is due before the end of the semester, once I'm done with it I can focus on the exams - and only one of the three already has me nervous. It's more but it's not more, ya' know? But now the shenanigans leading up to taking the bar are about to start. It's gonna be a matter of my focus and my discipline. In the end you just want to get to the next part, but what happens when you actually get there?

I didn't think I would but I'm going to miss that spot. It was the outlet on the other side of law school. All I have now is me...and school.

Barkeep, something cheap. I got to make this little piece of change last...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Read your blog for a minute now. Wish you luck and God Bless.