Friday, April 10, 2009

Too Independent?

Internet Fodder Post #2
You ever see something on the internet while you're just browsing and have something to say about it, but realize that you don't have the vast forum that whoever you read has, so that you can put your word to the people's ear in such a like fashion? Well, I do. But I do have a forum, maybe not as vast or as neatly kept, and I'm going to spout off like the last person. Well, maybe not spout off, but at least say something....

A message board I frequent (for almost 8 years now) had a member ask the question recently: When is a woman "too independent"?

The resounding chorus of answers from the small but diverse group of board members was a answer that I think fits the times: When she feels the need to inform you that she's independent, then she's too independent. The abrasive attitude kills it every time.

There was some further debate, some more questions and the usual juvenile interplay that happens between people you've conversed with for years but have never met, but nothing was resolved. As usual. But it got me thinking...When is a woman "too independent"?

A few comments thought Beyonce had messed it up. I'm still trying to figure out how she went from "Cater to you" all the way to "Put a Ring on it" so fast. What got her knickers in a twist? Didn't she get married? Others thought it was it was another song "Independent" (google: Webby Independent) which put a bad taste in some other people's mouth. I didn't think that the particular song was all that popular...but I've been in school, I might have missed something. Some people went all the way back to TLC's "No Scrubs"... which I think set the stage..

In any case what they were all saying is the popular black media is and has portrayed the black woman as strong and independent for years, (see: Oprah, Whoopi, etc), so when did they hit a limit?

In my personal opinion, it was the minute the phrase "I don't need you" became not the end of an argument thrown out in exasperation, or the even more popular "I don't need this," but the beginning of heated discussion, almost like a warning. A fight takes two people, and that already has the overtones of someone prepared to leave.

Everybody likes to feel wanted, to feel needed...especially men for whom moments of attractiveness are oasis-like in there frequency. It's one thing to start a disagreement about things that can be fixed...cleanliness, punctuality, demonstration of care and concern...but to (and here's where I use that education) to declare from the outset that only the capriciousness of an individual nature is what's maintaining the relationship is starting with the heavy artillery, the nuclear bombs. There's no fight after that.

It's domestic abuse of the soul.

Men like to be needed. I loved being needed. And a good woman makes a man WANT to be better. Telling someone the problem in relationship is something they can't fix is know.

Now I like independent women. All the women in this blog: Schmoopy, Shade, Sporty, Serve, Spanky, Slim and even others mentioned in passing...all are independent. Heck, I think all of them make more than me. But none of them feels the need to announce their independence, or use it as a defense, or use it as weapon. They just are independent. I like to believe that when a woman needs me, me being a modern man, I hope it's not for tangible items I can provide but for emotional and spiritual support.

Or sex. (I'm still me)

So can a woman be "too independent"? Yeah...

Barkeep....I would like a mango, orange and banana smoothie.


Mrs. B said...

Where in the world have you been going for your fights??

I've been married nearly 30 years and never.. not once.. have the words "I don't need you" or "I don't need this" ever been uttered during one of our disagreements. Of course we need each other. If we didn't, if we weren't ALWAYS conscience of that fact we'd have sunk this boat years ago. Instead, we are and remain each others best friends- and that is how it should be. I didn't lessen my independence to gain a successful marriage.

Anonymous said...

Im loving this post mario!

Independence to me is a theory that's been coined to describe certain behavior....just like globalization etc.

Having more money than most might be independence to 1 while to another standing up to her abusive husband might be independence.

Wanting and needing our spouses should never be leveraged off this 'independence'....tho in real life it plays out different.