The "Friendly Confines" of JerryWorld...

Ramblings Post #379
Where I been? I want to say I've been writing. I started the sequel to my alt-1960's tale The Grand Berber Most Divine, only this time the protagonist has a new challenge: family. It's tentatively titled The African Riviera Most Resplendent. But that's stalled for other reasons. And I did actually go to see Sporty. But that's a post I keep re-hashing in my head. And I'm leaving the Ranch. But that's also a whole other deal. So what I'm going to do is go with the familiar. No, not politics, although whenever I run into whoever is running the DNC some words will be spoken, believe that! No, I'm going to do football. It's just so soothing. Or at least it's supposed to be. 

Ron Rivera is out at Carolina because the Panther's owner David Tepper has stated clearly that he will not accept the idea of mediocrity for his team. Ron Rivera and Jason Garrett started at roughly the same time, 2011 and have similar resumes of just above a .500 record and three division titles. Neither one's team is playing that well this season either.  The one notable exception is that Ron actually took the Panthers to a Superbowl. We're still waiting. 

As I was pondering this, it hit me. Kids, I hate to say it, but the Dallas Cowboys are apparently the Chicago Cubs of the NFL.

Allow me explain. The Cubs play baseball in the Windy city of Chicago at 1060 West Addison, the venerable Wrigley Field. (Elwood Blues does not live there). They went 108 years without winning at the championship level until three years ago in 2016. But Wrigley Field stayed a hot ticket all those years the Cubs cried about about that epic drought. The games broadcast on WGN, the merch sold like hot cakes and with no need to really improve the product because people came anyway, the owners were practically printing money in the dugouts. There were valiant efforts, of course, and on more than few occasions the team had a loaded roster and won many games but just couldn't bring it home, which only endeared them to their audience more.

Sound familiar?

The Dallas Cowboys are the number one brand in the NFL, far and away. The next three in order are : The Steelers, the Packers, and whoever is winning this season. Seriously. And like the Cubs, the fans are still talking about the last championship twenty five years ago and every flash of brilliance is met with the phrase "We're going to the Super Bowl!" They win just enough to make you mad. The team seems to keep a loaded roster, draw more primetime eyes than any other team in the league and JerryWorld may as well be a cathedral to the sport. It also stays packed. To the rafters.   

Sound familiar?

But for the Cubs it wasn't until they changed coaches in 2014 that things started to fall their way. With Ron's departure in Carolina, and Garrett's contract up at the end of the season, will the Jones boys get the hint? The players are frustrated, as are the fans. We lost to the Jets. I mean damn. (Okay, Philly lost to the Dolphins, but we can't count on that every week. LOL.) The Cowboys lucked into a season where everyone in their division but them are rebuilding or (also) struggling, so they're still driving the bus of their own destiny. And with the pieces they've assembled, they've got a shot at doing something great in the next few years. But not with their current head coach, who may get the un-coveted Marvin Lewis designation this off-season if things go wrong...for the fans.  

Dallas Fans waiting on the Jones Boys to get it right.

And this choke-hold on that branding spot and all the associated perks means the incentive to win a championship boils down to ego on the part of the owner.

Barkeep. If you could put a bottle of the Pappy Van Winkle aside for later, that would be swell. For now, vodka and OJ, two cubes.

So, We're doing this AGAIN? AGAIN! Ugh, whatever...

Ramblings Post #349
I don't follow the NBA like I used to. I used to know squads, coaches, and who could beat who based on which player had the advantage or whatever. Now I'm just like ugh, this again. I can watch a game or five, I know who the players are but I don't follow it follow it. And the Finals used to mean something. Before it got into reruns. 

First, let me say that the entire NBA Eastern conference should be ashamed that the Cavs are back in the Finals. It basically says that you can put together a team in mid-season, add in one or two top tier players and beat that whole half of the league. A half with theoretically at this point, good teams. A few assembled teams of potential hall of famers. Seriously. I mean, damn...the Celtics were so close. But the NBA Eastern conference needs wake-up call.

Don't be mad at me, it ain't like I made this.

And on the other side, the Rockets damn sure didn't make it easy. I kind of figured they might have catch the Warriors a bit overconfident or on a down night, and as such they came with it. That was good basketball. Right this moment however, there is just too much horsepower in that Golden State line-up that if there is the slightest misstep, that's all she wrote. Hey Rockets! Almost, but you gotta be quicker than that.

Which leaves us with this. Again. Warriors vs. Cavs. Like damn. I mean the sports journalists have to be pissed about this shit. Content-wise you know that they're scraping the bottom of the barrel here looking for those fresh puff pieces to pad out the series hype. They're about to start talking about second cousins and high school friends. I at one point hoped for a completely fresh Rockets-Celtics match-up, just to keep things interesting, but would have settled for a Warriors-Celtics battle. Anybody but the Cavs.

No, I'm not a fan of LeBron now that you mention it. But if you've been here before I think you know that. 

Now to be clear, off the court I understand he's an exemplary individual. Charitable, happily married, good to his kids, invests wisely, not a gambler, doesn't eat pizza with a fork, not a horrible actor, all those things that might make one remark that hey, he's okay fella if asked to comment. Let me not impugn the man's character or savvy. On the court however, if you took a drink every-time he looked at the ref for a call you'd be blitzed midway through the second quarter. It's that he's one of the best, if not the best, on the court right now but he still needs even more an advantage outlook that just irks me. I don't think any ref in the game who values his ability to blow a whistle would let anything bad happen to Bron-bron. He is entirely too valuable to the league as a whole. So knowing this, and you know he knows it, why ask for even more?  

I guess the big question is if this particular cast of background players can support the King while he tries for glory against the NBA's best current super-team? I guess it could be a question. I mean TV is going to need an angle. Not to disparage the abilities of people who get paid huge sums of money to play basketball (Yes, that is a touch of jealousy in my voice.) And while Finals parties are a thing of yesteryear at least for my age bracket, something new would have been interesting.

Hey, at least the undercards all got to seven games.

Yes, Bartender, I am grasping at straws here, work with me. Beer. What kind? Um, cold. 

Ayesha NO!

Ramblings Post #315
I'm not one to to try and go parent anyone, especially not anyone grown. If you're old enough to drink and get a light bill, then you're old enough to realize that actions have consequences. Consequences and Repercussions. A lot of people younger than me want to act like this is no longer true, like the idea of freedom means being free from the results of your actions. It doesn't. You reap what you sow. Unless you're a superstar athlete, in which case I'm sure we can work something out.

I still think the Warriors can win it all in a ONE game Championship.

Somebody get Ayesha's phone right now. Please. She about to eff' up the church money!

Look I'm not saying that some very improbable coincidental coincidences, if you will, appear to have taken place during this year's NBA finals. And I'm not saying that the league has no interest in seeing a seven game series between what is now it's old phenom versus its new phenom. And I'm not saying a little drama isn't good for the series ratings. I'm not saying a lot of things. But I AM saying that her making a statement about a league approved "fix" doesn't really play out well for anyone. Not her, not the hubs, nobody I can get an eye on.

 At the start of the series, Golden State was head and shoulders above the Cavaliers, and a sweep looked highly possible. The two stars were coasting, wait, they weren't even coasting they were on the bench resting, and the Cavs were getting run up and down the floor like the middle school kids playing at the Rucker. Adjustments were made and nothing changed. The Cavs won their home game, but then we kind of expect you win ONE at home. Then it looked like it was over. Only....the Warriors had just come back from three down in the previous series. So it is possible. So, never before, but now twice in one season? That Tyronn Lue, Cleveland's coach puppet, somehow has crafted something magical?

Um...

Look, LeBron is a great basketball player. Physically gifted, good hands, a sweet shot and with an eye and head for the game. But... for the most part when pressed he plays the game in real life like I play on 2K : How many fouls can I get called on the other team so I can play the scrubs? Maybe it's strategic, they used to call it "working the refs," so I understand it. In theory. But if every time LeBron looked over to the ref hoping for a foul, you had to take a shot of vodka, you wouldn't make it past the first quarter. It's become excessive and annoying if not a defining trait. It looks like whining. And it's irritating to watch someone skilled try to manipulate their way to even more of an advantage. Watching the game this less than sporting sportsmanship seems to have infected the rest of his teammates as well. We already don't have hand checking, like damn. I'm not saying that it maybe one of the reasons ratings are down, but then I'm not saying a lot of things.

The Cavs have hung around long enough to get their groove back. They're a good team, no doubt. But they shouldn't have had the opportunity. And now that they're rolling again, it's a one game championship, which is what the league tries avoid by having a series.

And someone tell Ayesha to relax. The Warriors look like the Showtime Lakers out there. Let Bron-Bron get his last little shot at this. The Warriors will be back in this "isht" for seasons to come if nobody gets the big head. 

Barkeep, let me get some beer. No, I'm serious. Just one though. Gotta watch my figure.

The NEW National Championship

Ramblings Post #279
Some things always work. Basic stuff, like gravity, something hot buring you if you touch it, everything you've never tasted before tasting like chicken and that the really attractive girl has a boyfriend. Never fails. And in the south, sports work a certain way as well. And then they didn't. So I'm confused.

I would be broke right now. Like, right now.

Because if you had told me that a third string quarterback in his second or third start would lead a team that would beat Alabama, even in a scrimmage, I would have bet everything I own against it. Everything. House, car, 401k, comic books, and I just realized I don't own much else. Wow. But I'm not alone if the guys in the barbershop are any indication. To someone steeped in the dominance of Bible Belt football the very idea of Alabama losing in this situation doesn't make any sense. It tilts the universe just a little bit.

An Oregon v. Ohio State championship invalidates the entire idea of the BCS. Under the old system, neither team would have even been considered. It would a been a game between what we all assumed was the best team in college football against what we assumed was the second best. This is why I've preferred the NFL over college, in that it's selection of champions is much more rigorous, it's scheduling much less biased in filling the stands with victories over creme-puff foes. What happened to the Cardinals in the Wild Card round was what was supposed to happen to Ohio State. A third stringer against starters is supposed to do poorly. Get beat down. Worn out. That's why he's third string.

This upsetting of the apple cart, coupled with the highest rating for the bowls ever, means that not only is the BCS dead, even the wistful nostalgia for it just got kicked in the teeth. One almost wonders if TCU's whipping of Ole Miss can start the conversation for an even larger playoff bracket. I realize this means the end of a lot of fan started opinion arguments nationwide, but I think the country will survive. Heck, this year, I might even watch the game.

Barkeep, I need to order a pilsner of the Sweetwater 420, twenty buffalo wings with fries, a roast beef dip, and I'll need to reserve the end stall in your lavatory. Not going anywhere for a while.   

How To Put Together Your Bracket

Ramblings Post #259
March. Wasn't it supposed to warm about now? Hello? Can I get a little heat up in here. I'd like to thank that California station for their bold musical effort to end winter, but I'll guess we'll just have to move on. Basketball! This used to mean the start of the Atlanta Pro Party Circuit. Ah, the good old days.

My brother is not a sports fan, not really. For years he seemed amazed that I would devote time and attention to following my favorite football team. Only recently has he started following a team of his own, the exact rationale of which I'm not sure, although at one point he articulated his interest as the game being a small metaphor for life: No matter what happened on the last play, you have to line for the next play, etc. He may have another motivation now, but I don't know what it is.

This life long attitude is why I wasn't surprised when he asked me about NCAA brackets a week or so ago. I think he's doing this because in his office, much like in every other office in America, it's a thing you do. Print a bracket, put in $5 bucks, and comment on it going forward. Realizing the truth of the matter, that the lottery has better odds, I've taken a few moments to put together a little primer to get him and all the rest of you interested in donating to office pool started.

Step 1. Watch every college basketball game, keeping track of who did what.

I realize that this step is long and tedious, and at this point will require a time machine, two cases of red bull, a unlimited pizza account and a cray supercomputer. Since this particular step may prove a bit pricey and difficult for most, so let's chuck this one and start over. But, if you can afford it, get the time machine with XM, you're gonna be in there a while.

New Step 1.  Print out a bracket.

If you can't find a printable bracket online, you might want to just go ahead and let this go now. Just donate that $5 to the office pool and tell everyone you'll submit it later, then pretend to get busy and forgot. Yeesh, everybody has one. ESPN, CBS Sports, NCAA, Slate, everybody. Okay, I don't have one on here, but I know everyone else does. Just type "printable bracket" into Google. You may need to just type "printable br" and auto fill in will get it.

Step 2. Pretend to do some research.

Traipsing about I found this wonderful tool on HuffPost, which also has a printable bracket. It's a research thing type bracket dealie whatsits that lets you decide how much weight to give to all the pertinent factors - experts, seeding, defense, rebounding - and to all the non-pertinent factors - tuition, graduation rates, etc. Play with it, it's kinda fun.

Or you could read through an ESPN, USA Today or Sporting News article to see who is hurt on which team, who looks hot for the tourney and who is off their game right now. Expert opinions are crucial in pretending to know what you don't know. It won't matter, but do it anyway. Reading is fundamental.

Step 3. Fill in your bracket.

Yes, just fill it in. Let your pretend research guide your hand. Just remember that #1 seeds always beat #16 seeds. Well, there is always a first time they might lose, but what are the odds? And #2 seeds almost always beat #15 seeds. Almost always. After that it gets, well, I want to say tricky but I'm gonna say easy. Pick the higher seed unless you know the team, in which case pick the team you know, unless you know one of the coaches, then pick the coach. Unless of course you know which team has the more prominent shoe contract, or if you read an article about them, in which case flip a coin. Not rock paper scissors, that would be unscientific. If you know a player or a water-boy, pick that team, unless it's Wednesday and you had fries with lunch, then pick the team with dark colored jerseys. Unless the coach has a G in his name. Now, if it's Tuesday and you use a Mac, pick the team whose mascot comes first in the alphabet, otherwise, you'll need some soup bones, some chicken blood and then draw a circle on the ground with 64 numbers around it. Let me look up the spell you'll need.

Your pretend research should have also revealed a few "bracket busters", teams which nobody expected to win and which ruins cumulative wins by removing a team everyone thought would go far. Actually it won't, I'm just playing. You won't see them either, heck, half their fans won't, but it's nice to pretend you did see it, so claim you meant to pick them, but hedged your pick.

Step #4. Relax. 

If anyone asks how you're doing, you always have to "Go check your brackets." Never have it handy. In reality, the only person paying that close attention after day one is the person running the pool. If it's online, he's not even doing that. Feel free to use the phrase, "I think I got that one" after a victory or loss if anyone asks. No one expects you know all the teams or all your picks.

The weird part is I've actually won my office pool in the past. I don't know how, I was told that I did and I accepted my winnings. Just so you know, the odds of picking a perfect bracket, getting all the teams right, are 1 in 9.2 quintillion. I was nowhere near perfect. You see, you don't have to beat those odds, you have to only get luckier than anyone in your pool. As the tourney proceeds, few of the expected winners are going to have off nights and lose. There will be a Cinderella story that will fizzle out before its all over. But in the end we'll all get to see some pretty good basketball, and that's what counts.  

Barkeep, I'll need a bucket of beers, a thing of nachos, a bowl of peanuts, the wing appetizer, and double order of ribs. I don't know if anyone else wants anything. And no, I'm not leaving for a while.

Bracketology 103 - The Final Four

Using one sport term to explain another, I believe I shanked that one. March Madness is over and thanks to a last second Sportcenter worthy moment shot to get to OT, I won my office pool. Yay me! I also said prior to going in that the whole thing would be a waste (the first two games were), with all the games decided well before halftime in this heavyweight bout that would resemble a Rocky movie.

Only I apparently haven't seen a Rocky movie in ages.

There is a reason there are six of them. The first one, from thirty years ago (Damn, how old is Stallone?) ended with Rocky getting his ass beat. It wasn't until the second that he started the long series of improbable victories that became the signature of the series. That and Cousin Paulie. And last night in the Alamo dome, they shot a Rocky movie. Complete with comeback and everything.

When was the last time a Championship game went to overtime? (I'm certain somebody on ESPN has already said) With two minutes left and leading by nine, the rims shrank by six inches at free throw time on the Memphis end of the court. Is Shaq their free throw coach? True the scrappy freshman Rose, whose three that became a two is the story of the game (when did basketball get instant replay?) balled out of control, but in the clinch you got to knock down the gimmes. And Memphis couldn't. Seriously, is Shaq their free throw coach?

So Kansas, with seconds ticking in regulation hits a three to send it to OT (Rocky makes it to the last round on a prayer) then pulls away after getting soundly played the whole rest of the game (Rocky finds the strength/Mick cuts him/he finds the eye of the Tiger/Paulie gets his head rubbed/something) and wins it all.

Sounds like somebody should make a movie about something like this. Oh wait, somebody already did.

Barkeep...water, splash of lime.

Here we go again

On January 8 in Glendale Arizona in the We Can Make a Whole Lotta Money College Championship Bowl as presented by Somebody who Paid a lot of Money (I really wasn't paying attention), the SEC's Florida Gators ripped the Ohio State Buckeyes a new one, beyotch slapping them up and down the field and beating the consensus #1 college football team in the country 41-14. This after some speculated that they shouldn't even be there.

(Sidenote - I'll have you know I missed what had to have been one hell of a Gator party cause I really didn't think they'd have a chance.)

Urban Meyer's trashtalking team spanked the more staid Buckeyes, starting what maybe a new rivalry in sports. Of course a new rivalry in sports is hardly a good concept, most of us prefer the old rivalry rife with stories of shenanigans that get people prison terms in today's litgious society. A NEW rivalry is concept that I have a hard time wrapping my mind around. (In this story I'm the old man that the put the what where?) But I digress.

This weekend the Final Four looms, and the possibility of a rematch of the NCAA Football championship teams is a possible for the NCAA Basketball championship game. Somewhere an NCAA marketing exec has ejactulated for the third time today and it still won't go down. A final four with all one or two seeds; the Big Ten, SEC, Pac-10 and Big East fans all have a reason to tune in; and one of the semi-final games is a repeat of last year's Championship.

There he goes again.

Now that pony tailed (technically) brother and the rest of them might be about line up against Ohio State. True Florida won it last year, and became the first team to win both the Football and Basketball championships at the same time, but Ohio State was #1 in this sport too. Unlike the winter meeting though, if this happens it will be clear that the two teams that faced off should be there. All that voting foolishness aside.

NCAA Football...pay attention!