Really Really?

Ramblings Post #162
There is a saying. Okay, there are a lot of sayings, but this one is particularly apt: One shouldn't have any regrets, because at one time that which you regret was exactly what you wanted. It's a pithy little saying, probably made up by someone who just wanted to stop somebody who was complaining way to much. Still, there are moments when you just need a regret or two, to keep you from making the same decision again.


A few weeks ago, Spanky's new man told her...point blank...that his "rotation" was good and she needed to bring more the to table. There is more to his actual statement, but civility and the fact that I couldn't' believe he even "went there" forbid me from going further. Seeing as how she brings quite a bit to the table under any circumstances - brains, looks, will support with time and energy, cooks, etc - I was at a loss to what else he might have expected. But he'd showed his hand, she said it was over, and I figured there would be the usual few weeks of moping before the next "temp" appeared on the scene.

To bring you up to speed, years ago when we first started hanging out in Atlanta, Spanky wouldn't hesitate to cut a guy off with a quickness. So, because learning their name wasn't worth the effort if they might be gone the next week, I started referring to all her potential man-friends as "temps".

Anyway, messing with Spanky last week I hit her up about some foolishness that occurred in her neighborhood. The kind of stuff you post on Facebook because if you just tell somebody about it, nobody will believe you. We text back and forth for a minute, then I suggest we "go get drunk", a way of saying lets go out have some food and drinks and BS for while. It had been a minute since we'd got together, finals and all, I needed a night out and since her incident I figured a night sippin' might brighten her spirits.

She can't. She's "busy".

I'm pretty, but I ain't slow. Well, not that slow. Slowish. So I'm like "that was a quick, a new temp already?"

"Nope. Same temp."

I think I'm about to have to stop talking the Spanky.

According to her, ole boy apologized and claims he was "just testing her loyalty". Which sounds way past childish as old as we are. In his apology, he brought up marriage to her again, something he did early on in the relationship. I think is part of what has her hooked. Spanky has been anxious to tie the knot for at least the last five or so years. Okay, anxious is a understatement.

This is way way bad though.

You kinda hate to see your people get played, but you can't body block folks off from living their lives either. I've told her I don't think this is the best idea, and she claims she's knows he ain't serious or worth a damn anymore, but she's gonna give him another chance. Maybe. Or maybe she's just lonely. I can tell you that I'm not looking forward to the aftermath of this.

Barkeep, set up the tequila. And just keep it coming.

Christmas is Family...

Ramblings Post #162
I've had a long childhood. I came to that realization when talking with some people I hadn't seen in ages over the holidays. People my age have kids in college, and I'm still trying to score free drinks. I've got, or at least been told, that I have a lot of potential. The notebooks and hard drives full of half finished projects are a testament to that. The failed relationships only underline it. I need to do better.




Historically, as a child, my holidays were spent in the car. We'd rise and open presents, eat, then load up and go visiting. Visiting was riding an hour to see my father's parents, my grandparents, where my aunts and uncles would have gathered at the farm they'd grown up on. There we'd spend a few hours before bundling back into the car and visit to my mother's family, where again aunts and uncles would gather to celebrate the season. We visited my father's family first because they were closer. Invariably we'd ride back home in the dark.

Because this ritual continued from childhood through college and onto adulthood, I now dread spending the holiday in the car. But as the younger generation, my people are long lived, you kinda don't really have a choice.

For this year's holiday, my brother and I rented a vehicle to ride home in. A first. This is at the suggestion of my psuedo cousin, who explained the benefits of a lack of wear and tear on our own cars and issues with insurance, all of which made sense. I reserved a economy something and started packing.

Note: Packing for me involved all electronics that might be attractive to unwanted visitors. The PS3, computer, monitor, etc. No need to take chances.

The good folks muffed my reservation, so we got I guess "upgraded" to a mini-van. Which turned out to be not bad, further indicating my advanced age. It turned out to be roomy, handle well and not that bad on gas, which surprised me and my brother. After the ritual running around that accompanies all trips of any distance, we made pretty good time.

The family was good. We only dropped in on my Grandparents, who are getting on into the advanced section of advanced age. It was quieting, calming and made me wish for days gone by. It's hard watching people you've known your whole life get old. I hope it means I've got good genes.

The end of the day came when, after we'd trundled back home, I took a quiet few minutes and opened up the box of gifts Sporty had shipped me.

So, I wrote all that to say that as I grow older, the holidays have come to mean different things to me. And although I loathe the riding around on Christmas, I understand its purpose. My family is important, and due to my educational efforts and the time commitment necessary to make that happen, I've seen little of them lately. It's not about the gifts, it's the thought. It's larger than just me. That and morning after Christmas we awoke to snow, which got us on the road earlier than expected...and proved the handling of that mini-van was nice.

The Maybees..

Ramblings Post #161
One day, you start to add it all up. Where you've been, what you did, what you've left behind, what your plans are, and its fairly certain that when you finish with all the figuration and guesstimating, you're gonna realize that the number is a whole hell of a lot smaller than you could possibly have imagined. Therefore, I would suggest, if at all possible, putting that day off for as long as you can.


I have the Christmas blehs. Or maybe just the general blehs, and it's Christmas time. I'm not quite sure what the "blehs" are, because I just made the term up, but right now I have them.

Maybe life's little pressures have started to catch up with me, now that I find myself with a moment to breathe and nothing left to distract me. Maybe it's that as I calculate up my personal life scoreboard, I suddenly realize I'm gonna need one hell of a second half. Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's age, maybe it's the diet, maybe it's the lack of structure, maybe it's the feng shui of my kitchen.

Maybe its the inevitable changes in my life that comes with time and making decisions...or in some cases, non-decisions. Maybe it's an awareness of my mortality, a certain degree of loneliness, or maybe I just need to clean up the house. Maybe it's that when I imagine all the possibilities for my future, the bad ones are starting to out number the good ones. Maybe it's that I've gotten into bad habits I know are bad, and haven't found the will to make them better.

Maybe I've been in the same place too long. Maybe I need a change of ...something. Maybe it's that my dreams are too large. Maybe its that I'm frustrated with too many things to list. Maybe it's that those things that made it all bearable are too few and far between now. Maybe I'm on the wrong path, maybe I'm headed in the wrong direction, or maybe I just need a nap.

Maybe I need a drink.

Maybe I need a salad.

Maybe I need a brownie.

Maybe I need a hug.

Barkeep, maybe something different.

Bar Chatter

Bar Chatter #18
Sometimes it just ain't enough to make a post, but it's still needs to go out....it's just bar chatter.

I've been getting a lot of traffic on here lately. Okay, I've been getting a lot of traffic on one particular page because it seems that a picture I posted now comes up in a Google search and its very, very popular.

Guess.

And since its the look I'm going for with my radical physical change, that would be a good thing, right? But in reality, all its really doing is screwing up my numbers. Oh, well, even bad publicity is still publicity, right?

What Now?

Ramblings Post #160
Sometimes you just need a kick in the ass. I've always been a slow starter. But I build momentum as I go, and by the end I'm running like a freight train down a track, all inertia and mass and no way to stop it immediately. I have slow down my focus gradually, pulling back slowly on the brakes as all that I am behind that impetus has to lose its direction. Which explains a lot.





I've been trying to get into a writing mood, but lately I've been so blah.

My original intent was to start on my new series The 5594, a science fiction epic, or possibly a story I started tentatively titled Low Wave, the characters of which have been having conversations in my head all week as I test out dialogue. They're relatively new to the Cross Mind Distillery process, but I was excited about them, heck, I was even looking into commissioning artwork for the sci-fi epic. Worst case, I'd start on the re-write of Bohemian Cooker, Evolution of a Dog or something.

Instead, I've spent the last few days since the end of the semester slouching about the house, gorging on whatever I want as I'm off my diet until Monday, NOT playing video games and avoiding Christmas parties. Bleh. I'm so out of party practice, so out of the party milieu, that although I know where the parties are, I'm still not going. But I do have a law school thing tonight I'm going to have to fall through, and a law career thing tomorrow I'll probably have to go to...and maybe a run by my old college roomie's function so I can meet and get formerly treated with a brazen indifference by Melyssa Ford (putting an end to that fantasy). So, work related stuff, socializing, getting rejected by SuperModels...the same ole' same ole.

Oh, and I'm having car issues, house issues and the afore mentioned general background concern regarding grades.

About that eating whatever I want again: The size, after the three weeks of off plan because of finals, surprisingly hasn't popped back. I do however miss the fruit and the vegetables and the structure. Which I guess was part of the program, to get you used to eating that stuff. Plus, since I've stopped that part...I feel fat, which is amazing because I'm still on the same belt loop! I refuse to believe that feeling skinny (-ier) is as good as chocolate brownies taste, but I will admit I like the thinner shape on my frame. So back we go.

And I should note them weight loss folk effectively tricked me. Off plan, I went out and for the first time in five months and ordered wings and fries, got a tall ice tea and fifteen minutes after eating was zonked. Knocked out. Done. Itis. Woke up on the couch with my book reading me. It turns out my body can't take it any more. So, what I'll be doing is going back to the basics, the fruit, the veggies, the schedule, but with a few minor additions.

But I will get started on something.

I got to.

Barkeep, something brown for inspiration.

After it's all said and done... this semester

Ramblings Post #159
I have dreams of the next chapter. Some of them are dreams of grandeur. Others just the idea of doing something else, something other than what I've been doing day in and day out for the past few years, my mind numbing slowly at the pace and growing lazy when facing the pedestrian challenges placed before it. Some are of failure. I run the full spectrum. I have to...it's part of studying for this "advanced degree".

This is the part of finals I hate.

As soon as the finals are done - the last word written, the last cite made, the last argument crafted....I instantly think of things I should have said or done differently.

A fact that I used but didn't reference properly or a argument I could have put together better, or ruling that might have made a point clearer. Sometimes I barely make it into the hallway before a thought strikes me. For all the stuff you did check, it suddenly hits you what you didn't. I hate this. And because of the verbose nature of the law school exam and the time it takes the instructor to wade through the same argument 40 times trying to gauge who hit all the high points, we won't get the results until mid January, a few weeks into our next classes. So for a month you just don't know.

The other thing I hate is when folks say "Well, you did the best you could, so put it behind you." Um, right. Call me crazy, but I look at previous mis-steps so that I don't repeat them. But for a month, you have no idea which step was the wrong step.

SPECIAL REMINDER NOTE: Just make the damn lasagna.

So this year, I made the lasagna. It's a metaphor. I made it plain with the cheese just like they asked. I hope. They asked for this and that and damned if I didn't make sure this and that was in there, and none of the other I've been so fond of tossing trying to make myself look good. Hubris and arrogance are bad things in law school. But did I learn soon enough?

I felt okay leaving or turning in the tests. I thought I covered everything, feel I was thorough, kept it all in front of me, so to speak. Until I woke up this morning the day after it was all over with a bad case of the "Shouldas".

It's a oddly hollow feeling in my chest. The same feeling I get when I feel like an one of those "moments" passes when I should have seized the day - made that speech, said those words, etc and so forth. Regret is never good, and I have a lot of it because I have way too much I want to do that I never get to because life or my ego get in the way. Most days it can be tamed, but there is a lot riding on this.

I've calculated it out and if all goes according to plan I should be able to get this wrapped up in 18 months. Provided I keep the lasagna to the recipe.

Barkeep, the suggested way to combat the "Shouldas" involves mild amounts of inebriant I understand.

Really?

Ramblings Post #158
Sometimes you think your situation is bad. Real bad. I remember a speaker one time who said that if everyone in the room brought him one problem...their mortgage, the divorce, their issue...he would make it go away. The deal however was that to get yours taken away, you had to then come down and blindly pick up someone elses. Their lives put in perspective, he got no takers.


Life popped my girl Spanky in the forehead. Again.

But she, like a lot of the women I know, is extremely resilient. I mean, Slim had her house broken into twelve times and still lives there. I've had two break ins and I'm halfway out the door already. Spanky has had her entire house pilfered and shrugged it off. Resilient.

Her relationship woes however, usually give me pause. The term "piece of work" was invented to describe some of the guys she's gone out with. But I think I'm glad I never met this last brother. After his previous declaration that he wasn't looking for a girl, but she wasn't going anywhere, he topped himself.

His statement to her last week: "I have a pretty good rotation right now, you need to bring more to the table..."

It's one thing to have it like that. It's another to just put it out there. Even I was like DAMN.

Now Atlanta, for those uninitiated, is the a city where, for all intents and purposes, men can act like women. And I don't mean in the mid-town Atlanta sort of way - pride flags, antiquing and man hugs - but where a reasonably attractive guy with a little bit going for him can treat women in a fashion that women usually treat men. It's just that thick, and there are more lonely attractive women than you believe. I've witnessed this "reversal" situation on more than one occasion.

Side Note: And for all my study I still haven't figured it out. I don't possess the swagger, or something with the eyes I can't do, or maybe there is a cologne I'm not buying. That, or I just don't have it in me to use somebody like that. I'm thinking of taking a class. Right now I'm really more of the reverse of a booty call, you know, where a guy who wants the sex but no relationship calls certain women. I'm the reverse, women who want the relationship without the sex call me. I apparently give GREAT relationship. Which is why I've hit yard sales, set mouse traps and learned to eat brunch. (By the way, I have come to love brunch).

So Spanky hit me today the BBchat with that info and she asked why her. Whereas I can think of a lot of women in Atlanta who might become better people after seeing the game from the other direction, she wasn't one of them. She was already pretty cool. As I've said before, she is a I was glad that she a) finally indicated she was dumping him, b) took the Christmas present she bought him back and c) finally didn't call me in the midst of the crisis.

That last part I liked the most. I've been on the end of too many crying jags I had nothing to do with.

And it's moments like that where I'm glad nobody I ever went out with did me like that. Or at least had the decency not to throw it in my face like that.

Except for them couple of times. Kinda.

Barkeep... tequila. Lime. Salt.

Cowboys...um, win?

Ramblings Post #157
Someone once said you should never have a regret about a something in the past. That's because at once point, that thing you regret is exactly what you wanted and got. Which makes the other statement, be careful what you wish for even more apt. One of the great problems with wanting something you don't have, and that in reality, you don't know what you're gonna do with it when you actually do get it. Makes you think.


For the first time I can remember, I am less than enthusiastic about a Cowboys win.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad they won. They went in there and held on, played good ball and took advantage of the opportunities afforded them. However I am less happy than normal.

My team is the Cowboys. But Sporty's team is the Colts.

You see there are a lot of great qualities about Sporty. After a few Cowboy losses she was nice enough to send a quick text telling me not to let it get to me. What can I say, I do love her. I also love and know that she is a fierce competitor, serious about her game (whatever the sport), always comes to play and even in a support role, will be there for her team. That said, she has a real problem with losing. Anything. At all.

To reiterate, losing does not sit well with her. Just doesn't.

Being a Colt fan living in Dallas doesn't help. At least not this week. On Mondays, she usually sends me a email or text to get the week started, a bit of encouragement because she knows where I work, and that I'm in school, and that the we're all up against it to some degree. A few kind words mean a lot.

I don't see me getting those words until Tuesday. Maybe Thursday.

In fact, I may just send her a few words instead. I mean, once Peyton pulls it together the Colts are still in the hunt, whereas the Cowboys are just playing playoff spoiler for somebody late in the season. And for Sporty's sake I'm hoping it wasn't the Colts.

Barkeep, my girl needs a pick me up and I need something to keep my mouth shut before I celebrate my ass into a corner.

Something is not right...

Ramblings post #156
The mighty beast that is law school rears its head once again, nipping at that those of us who have ventured into its valley. We are all warriors because we have no choice. And once again, the fiercest of battles is to be met. Because if we are to make it, we are to be forged in blessed fires of semester finals. And this only shows, I really need to get some sleep, I got a test coming up.


My first exam, Wills and Trusts is of all nights, Friday at 6pm. Our teacher has explained that she wrote a three hour exam, and we have roughly three and half hours to finish it.

I remember the last time a professor made a statement in that vein.

I was in an undergrad accounting class and the tests came back horribly. We'd not only failed, we'd crashed and left educational debris scattered for miles. Like many professors who've taught for a while, our professor couldn't understand why we weren't getting it. The idea that students change, and therefore the methodology has to change didn't sink in.

He said, and I believe even now almost twenty years later I can quote him, he said to the entire class "That you should have all done well on this test. I myself wouldn't have made a hundred, and some of your other professors might have had some problems, but you should have passed."

Other professors would have been stymied. People who study this and teach this would have had issues. The instructors would been stuck, and we who had only seen this material a few days ago should have been able to piece it all together? Yeah right.

Ever hear of Deja vu?

I write this from the library. My current outline for Wills is at nearly 60 pages. And I'm using 10-point fonts! Never mind that it is officially all over the place, because my notes are all over the place, because my professor was....well, you see where that's going. And sadly I'm not the only one here, doing the same thing, with the same comments!

Frustrated doesn't' even begin to describe this situation. And yet, the cold prickly feeling of dread, that nervous that feeds my energy to get moving and study harder hasn't materialized. At least not for this class. And that lack of nervous..makes me worry.

Barkeep, I need brain food, and brain drink, and brain brain if you got it.