Ramblings Post #159
I have dreams of the next chapter. Some of them are dreams of grandeur. Others just the idea of doing something else, something other than what I've been doing day in and day out for the past few years, my mind numbing slowly at the pace and growing lazy when facing the pedestrian challenges placed before it. Some are of failure. I run the full spectrum. I have to...it's part of studying for this "advanced degree".
This is the part of finals I hate.
As soon as the finals are done - the last word written, the last cite made, the last argument crafted....I instantly think of things I should have said or done differently.
A fact that I used but didn't reference properly or a argument I could have put together better, or ruling that might have made a point clearer. Sometimes I barely make it into the hallway before a thought strikes me. For all the stuff you did check, it suddenly hits you what you didn't. I hate this. And because of the verbose nature of the law school exam and the time it takes the instructor to wade through the same argument 40 times trying to gauge who hit all the high points, we won't get the results until mid January, a few weeks into our next classes. So for a month you just don't know.
The other thing I hate is when folks say "Well, you did the best you could, so put it behind you." Um, right. Call me crazy, but I look at previous mis-steps so that I don't repeat them. But for a month, you have no idea which step was the wrong step.
SPECIAL REMINDER NOTE: Just make the damn lasagna.
So this year, I made the lasagna. It's a metaphor. I made it plain with the cheese just like they asked. I hope. They asked for this and that and damned if I didn't make sure this and that was in there, and none of the other I've been so fond of tossing trying to make myself look good. Hubris and arrogance are bad things in law school. But did I learn soon enough?
I felt okay leaving or turning in the tests. I thought I covered everything, feel I was thorough, kept it all in front of me, so to speak. Until I woke up this morning the day after it was all over with a bad case of the "Shouldas".
It's a oddly hollow feeling in my chest. The same feeling I get when I feel like an one of those "moments" passes when I should have seized the day - made that speech, said those words, etc and so forth. Regret is never good, and I have a lot of it because I have way too much I want to do that I never get to because life or my ego get in the way. Most days it can be tamed, but there is a lot riding on this.
I've calculated it out and if all goes according to plan I should be able to get this wrapped up in 18 months. Provided I keep the lasagna to the recipe.
Barkeep, the suggested way to combat the "Shouldas" involves mild amounts of inebriant I understand.