Thursday, June 10, 2010

The Self Shot

Ramblings Post #105
I don't ask for much. Usually. I've been blessed with relatively good health, a brain that functions and family that has lived a remarkably long time. I worked through the whole of this past recession, own a home and car, been able to pay my bills and have been able to give support to those I love when they needed it. So where did this sudden attack of vanity come from?

Apparently there is a trick to the self shot, or I am just very unattractive.

There used to be a little shop that made sandwiches where I worked, and used to joke with the guy there that if he ever went out of business, I wanted to buy the mirrors he had because in THOSE mirrors, I looked good. In fact in most of the mirrors in my house I'm fairly passable. So I have what is apparently the delusional impression that I'm not that bad looking. But I bought a new camera, and like every other person who has a digital camera that fits in your hand, I took a few snaps of myself in that arm extended just a cool angle kinda way.

I want to believe I was holding the camera wrong.

So I took a few more snaps, from chin level, from the side kinda, that three quarters look, you know, mixed it up a bit and see what falls out of the wash. Think of a black Shrek. On a completely different but semi-related tangent. I have an interesting theory: A woman plus a digital camera plus time equals naked pictures of said woman. Now they might only exist for a few seconds before she erases them, but they do exist at some point! It is my honest belief that every woman checks, because we all know that mirrors are dirty stinking liars. I bring up that only semi-related tangent to say that apparently the mirrors in my house are now dirty stinking liars or I really am that bloated tired looking middle aged black guy in that photo of me.

Actually, I think I look worse than Black Shrek.

Now that is depressing.

I have long been of the mental delusion that I'm a quick workout or two from being Olympic level shape, but passing my reflection in the windows at the job and now this incident are shifting my perception to something akin to me being three Krispy Kreme doughnuts from being in a size 4x shirt. Which as we can all assume, would not be good. This of course neatly segues into my next life theory, in that the modern woman is more visual than her predecessors and as such the degree of success you have to have before appearance becomes irrelevant is now much higher. Or in simpler terms, where I'm at now I have to have six pack abs or something very close. Gazing down, I'm starting to believe I'm heading back up to the"keg". Whereas I had gotten down to a "party ball", and had been flirting with a "case", I believe I've lost focus.

I'm considering a formal weight loss program. Like monitored.

Or maybe if I just hold the camera and shoot it from the other side with a different light. Or from that other way. Yeah. That will work.

Barkeep, do beer goggles work on oneself?

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